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8:51 pm - Weds 11/10/04
Be Careful What You Want

Be Careful What You Want

Tues 11/9/04 (9:43 a.m.)

Trying to put my thoughts in order here...

Something's been "in the back of my mind" since that unhappy business with Mandy a little while back, and since it doesn't seem to be going away, I think it bears further exploration.

It seems clear now that Mandy is, to put it plainly, not a very nice person. She obviously doesn't possess a kind heart, or a forgiving nature (Though exactly what she needed to "forgive" me for in the first place, I'm not sure).

When I came to a full realization of this fact, it made me think back to when she was first at the bookstore.
Why did I like her initially? Why did I think I wanted to be involved with this person?

Well, of course, there was the fact that she was attractive, though in a Mean Girls, "Alpha Bitch" kind-of-way that I don't typically go for (I was not surprised when she told me she'd been a cheerleader in high school). There was something about her "look" that, even if she wasn't actually doing it, made it seem like she had one eyebrow perpetually raised, as if to say "Oh really?" to any information presented to her (And I can't tell you why, exactly, but I found that kinda sexy).

But there were other, somewhat more substantial reasons I liked her–She was smart, she was funny, she was a writer (I admire writers, at least if they actually write stuff), and she liked Buffy The Vampire Slayer (And other "cool geek" things).

And certainly, the fact that she seemed to like me didn't hurt (That's probably the most confusing part of my history with women–Women have almost always liked me, and at the same time, have almost always never wanted to have sex with me).

But now, I realize that with Mandy, all I was really paying attention to was the surface–What she looked like, the way she chose to present herself to the world, etc–and I totally overlooked the most important thing, which was her cold, black heart.

I kid–sort of–but my point is that I really thought I wanted her, that it would somehow be fitting and appropriate and good for us to be together. That, in spite of the fact that she was too young and too attractive for the likes of me, we made some sort of sense.

And I obviously couldn't have been more wrong. Mandy, it turns out, is the kind of person that, should you cross her, would be likely to stab you in your sleep.

And that got me thinking, in general, about the things I want, how I feel I "deserve" them or they'd be "good for me" or what-have-you, and how "it ain't necessarily so".

Obviously, I'm not going to stop wanting things, no matter how much of a "Zen Master" I'd like to be.

But the lesson of Mandy might to "look closer" (To steal the tag line from American Beauty).

There's not much point in investing time and effort in things that would make you miserable were you to actually get them.


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