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8:36 pm - Wed 12/19/01 Tue 12/18/01 Thinking about the holidays... I had my first day recently where it occured to me, while at work, that "I'd really like this holiday season to be over". But on the whole, this Xmas retail season hasn't been that big a deal. After all, it's not as if I don't have a few under my belt ALREADY... Generally, the days where I feel the worst at work don't really have that much to do with work itself; it's more a matter of my feeling off physically--tired or queasy or what-have-you--which then makes the normal work activity more difficult and/or unpleasant. Outside of the rigors of retail, Xmas doesn't really mean very much to me. I'm not a religious man, and with no immediate or extended family, I'm neither overly stressed by Christmas obligations, nor am I overly warmed by familial holiday cheer. It's basically just a time of year where things get a lot busier at my job ( I DO like Xmas carols, though. And I never seem to get tired of the "Charlie Brown Xmas" cd ). I'm sending out some cards today ( I bought two boxes--I don't know why. I'm not the kind of guy who sends cards to everyone I've ever met--but it looks like I might not even use up one box ). And that's pretty much it for what I'm doing with the holiday ( In past years, I have "present-ed" people, but this year, I just don't have the money. And truth to tell, I wouldn't have a clue what to do for the handful of truly important people in my life anyway. That's always been a sore spot for me; The fact that I wouldn't know what to do for people even if I HAD money seems to be an uncomfortable comment on how little I know even the people I purport to be closest to). I've wondered if Cary and Kay were going to invite me to Xmas (Cary didn't say anything when we had breakfast Saturday, and I kind of think they aren't going to, because he's going back to Michigan to visit relatives the day after Xmas, so I imagine they've got enough to deal with). This may not sound nice, but to be honest? I don't really WANT them to ask me. I guess Xmas has enough residual meaning to me as "a family thing" that, no matter how well-meaning and sincere, I'm almost always uncomfortable when people invite me over for Xmas, and feel like I'm "horning in" on what is really a family celebration. The thing I AM going to miss is going over to Mark and Janes. It was my big "Christmas thing" for years back in Lansing; They would invite me over at some point around the holidays, we would exchange our presents, Jane would cook a really nice meal, and we'd watch tv or rent a video, and chat ( I always liked it best when circumstances let us do it on Xmas Eve or Xmas day, but that wasn't always possible ). ( I'm feeling a pull in two different directions here--I want to keep writing, but I'm feeling stressed over a couple chores I'm not getting done. ) (End) I've finished reading "Cymbeline". I've decided on my two monologues (One from "Twelth Night," one from "Julius Caesar"). I've done some work on the "Twelth Night" monologue. There's a lot of work to do between now and January 4th, but I'll get there. If I don't get offered something as a result of this audition, it will NOT be because I didn't do my best (I'm not sure about all the technical requirements of doing Shakespearean verse, but when I met with Cary, he said to think of it as the populist writing it is. So I'm basically going to do the pieces the way I think makes sense, pay attention to the verse without emphasizing it, skip the "faux English" accent, and hope for the best. I feel like the main idea behind each monologue is fairly clear For my song, I'm going to lay a little "Guv'ment" on them; Cary actually suggested that, and it's not a bad idea at all. I can sing it with a lot of confidence--I'm going to sing it a little "straighter" than I've done onstage, so they know I actually have a nice voice (And the rough "character voice" I used for the song onstage HURT)--and they'll see I can "sell a song" in character. I didn't work the "Twelth Night" monologue enough today, but the amount of time I did do it--Some time early this afternoon, briefly again about an hour ago--felt good. It's been very frustrating, very TIRING, feeling so helpless and uncertain all the time out here, so to have a relatively simple task in front of me, and a task I could DO, felt good. (In the "Encyclopedia of Casting Directors", more than one casting director suggests that actors often come in unprepared as a form of self-sabotage, a way to emotionally protect themselves from the fear of failure; If they don't get the part, they can always say, "Well, if I'd really been PREPARED...". I'm not going to BE that kind of actor.) Went to the Doctor today. Not much of anything really HAPPENED. They weighed me again--I've apparently lost 4 more pounds since my last visit--and when the doctor came in, he went over my test results again in slightly more detail (He referred to my blood sugar level as "slightly high". I don't think he used the word "slightly" the first time. He also mentioned that my cholesterol level was "very good"). He gave me a couple numbers for gastroenterologists (sp?), so I can call and schedule an endoscopy, I think he said. It doesn't sound like fun. I have to schedule another appointment sometime around the end of next month, to do another bloodtest, to see what the deal is with the blood sugar. So the fun goes on... But here's a nice thing; I asked about a prescription for Paxil, and when the Doctor asked me if my insurance covered prescriptions or a percentage of the cost or what, and I said I wasn't sure, but that I thought I probably had to pay for them myself then maybe get reimbursed, he gave me more samples (Enough till my next visit). He asked me if the Paxil had been helping. I wanted to say, "How do I know?". If I'm feeling a little less anxious at this point, is that the Paxil having kicked in, is it me doing a better job of managing my anxiety, both, or neither? How do I know? The Doctor doesn't know. I don't know. Nobody knows--It's a big SECRET. Regarding my morning sickness, I said, "What MIGHT it be? Any ideas?", and the doctor said, I think, maybe a hiatel hernia ("hiatel"? That doesn't look RIGHT...), or esophogeal reflux. OR... If I go and get an endoscopy, maybe an upper G.I., and that doesn't show anything, maybe it's--TA-DAH!--ANXIETY. Patient, Heal Theyself... On the way to the Doctor's office, I saw that one of the movie theaters along the way was playing "No Man's Land", while the other was still playing "In The Bedroom", amongst other things, so I decided that I'd see one or the other, if the start times worked out. So I ended up seeing "In The Bedroom", because it was the first theater on my way back, and it had a showing that was just 25 minutes away (It was the movie I'd thought about seeing last week, but I decided I was really more in a mood for something "light", so I saw "Ocean's 11" instead). It was very, very good, but the most interesting part of the experience for me was actually the period of time before the movie. I bought a small diet coke and a small popcorn (Pretty indulgent on my part. $5.25, and the popcorn wasn't very good, and all the coke did was make me have to leave to take a piss during the middle of the movie). During the previews, I found myself starting to get very emotional. Teary-eyed, in fact. I don't know exactly what the deal was, but something in me was responding both to what was going on in the previews--the drama, the passion, the sex, what have you--and the fact that I wanted to be up THERE, and not down in the seats where I was. I want to help TELL those stories, I want to move people. I want to ACT. After the movie, I raced home on my bike, both because it was actually pretty COLD, and also because I wanted to write in here. I also wanted to watch "my stories", as it amuses me to call them ("Ed" and "The West Wing", which were both repeats anyway). It's been an interesting day. I feel like I've gone through more changes than even an average Jim Hoffmaster day. Lauren has helped me a lot lately, whether it's to give me perspective regarding the "blood sugar" business (Kevin similarly helped me get a little perspective on that), or to try and help me shake out of my helpless, hopeless feelings. I don't know why I get to have ANY friends, truth to tell. But I'm glad I do. I'm very, very grateful. When I was riding home from the movie on my bike, racing the cold, racing against the quenching of my "fire to write", racing against the start time of "my stories", one big thought popped into my mind. The thought? "I don't want to be this way anymore..." WHAT way, you ask? Or do you really NEED to ask? I don't want to be this small, fearful, frustrated, helpless, hapless, hopeless guy I've been (I did that last alliterative bit without even having to think about it. Impressive, huh?). I want to write my ass off in here. I want to forget what anyone thinks, and I want to just let FLY. And I want to be a whole lot closer to the guy I WANT to be than the guy I've BEEN, than the guy I'm AFRAID of being. I am frustrated. Unhappy. Afraid. Etc and so forth. The other thing I thought on the way home tonite is that it would be stupid to try and disown that stuff, and say to myself, or say in here, "That guy isn't really ME". It IS really me. But it's not the whole picture. It's not only not the whole picture, it's not even the MAIN picture. It's just me at my worst. I'm a whole hell of a lot funnier, more interesting, more profane, more honest, more EVERYTHING, than I've revealed in here. And I'm not just a guy who does a lot of talking about how he WANTS to be an actor when he grows up. I AM grown up. And I AM an actor. And a thought about Diaryland? (Man, am I THINKING a lot these days, or WHAT? ) I found myself thinking, in frustration, that if I can't really "be myself" in Diaryland, then maybe I needed to revive the "book journal". But you know what? That's not the way I work. I'm not going to do a "public journal" and a "private journal". I just don't have that kind of time, and I'm too fucking LAZY for that level of industry. And when I thought that, the next thing was, "Well, if you can't really write the way you think you want to in Diaryland, maybe you should quit". But I don't want to do that. I LIKE Diaryland. I like feeling like people are taking an interest. I like feeling like I'm "communicating", even if it's basically pretty one-sided, and I don't always know who I"m communicating WITH. So the time where I THREATEN to "cut loose" in here is over. I'm not going to write about how I WANT to write in here anymore. I'm just going to WRITE. However I feel like writing, whenever I feel like it. No asking for permission, no apologies, nothing. The clock is ticking. Ticking very, very LOUDLY. And however much time I have, I don't have time to be the 6'2", 210 lb timid little mouse I've been out here. Like with my upcoming audition, if I don't get what I want out of life from here on out, it's not going to be because I didn't do my best. I have enough. There is enough. I am enough.
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