Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

7:30 pm - 08.14.2011
Changing Focus

Changing Focus

Not much to report since my last entry...

Nothing happened in terms of acting this week, other than my ordering more head-shots (Really just being pragmatic - I was down to my last four or five - but I told myself it was a sign of optimism about being ready for "the coming wave of auditions").

On the Weight Watchers front, I received my benefits packet, that I'm supposed to look over, sign, and return.

I've done the "looking over" part, but haven't gotten around to the "signing" and "returning" bits.

The "sticking point" is insurance; I don't understand if it's better, worse, or about the same as my current insurance (Numbers tend to confuse and upset me), and beyond that, I don't know how one goes from one health insurance plan to another without either paying double, or having a period of time where you're not insured.

(And of course, there's the issue of whether I can keep my current doctors or not, and how much that matters to me.)

Wishing I knew someone who knew about this stuff (I wish I had someone who could teach me how to deal with adult life, period).

But anyway, while I don't know exactly what to do about insurance yet, I'm pretty much "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" about the other stuff (The paid holidays, vacation, etc).

When my last entry posted on Facebook, Tom H. made some "Buddhist" reference about this development being a "moment" and "nothing lasts forever".

Not sure why he shared his fortune-cookie "wisdom" with me regarding this particular "moment", but being well-versed on "nothing lasting forever", I told him, "I don't need it to last 'forever' - Just till I book that 'Series Regular' role".

Sun 8/14/11 (7:27 am)

During last week's Monday night Group, Kit asked Lydia, the Leader, about the possibility of "change".

It's something I think about often, usually in the context of being frustrated because I'm not "changing".

I think at this stage of the game, I've got what I've got, in terms of basic personality.

And sometimes I've found that a pretty depressing notion...but I don't think it needs to be.

Part of the issue, for me, is that I've defined "who I am" by the personality traits I find least attractive and appealing, which of course, aren't the whole picture, and downplayed the ones that tell a different story.

And right there is the thing I feel positive about - I may be basically "Me" at this point, but I do believe, with practice, that I can choose which aspects of "Me" I play up and which I don't give a lot of mental/emotional energy to.

I do it "out in the world" every day - at Weight Watchers today, a member referred to me as being "such a positive guy", and it wasn't about me being "fake", I was just bringing that part of myself "to the fore" - so there's no reason I can't do it in my head as well.

I'm mentally connecting this to two different things - the idea I've had for awhile about "emotional pragmatism" (Simply starting to ask myself, regarding negative thoughts, "Is the way I'm thinking right now doing me any good? Is it getting me anything I really want?"), and something me and Jane have discussed a number of times, which is the idea of there being a "set-point" for happiness.

If you're not familiar with the "set-point for happiness" idea (There was a book on the subject some years back), it basically suggests that we all have our own "emotional thermostat"; I may have a greater capacity for depression and less of a capacity for happiness than you do, or vice-versa.

When I first came across that idea, I found it depressing, that there was possibly a limit to my capacity for happiness.

But now, the idea fits very well into my "You probably can't change who you are, but you can certainly change your focus" idea.

My "capacity for happiness" might be greater than yours or less than yours, it may burn more or less brightly, but that doesn't really matter; the important thing is to realize I have a "capacity for happiness", and I can, by what I choose to focus on, keep my "emotional thermostat" on "Happy" the majority of the time.

This probably sounds pretty basic to most of you, but for me, it's revolutionary stuff - It's definitely not the way I've lived my life most of the past 50 years.

And it's interesting - I started writing this stuff about how "You can't change, but you can change what you focus on", and come to the end wondering if that's what "changing" is - changing what you've "focused on" over the years once you realize how it doesn't work for you anymore.

To be continued...definitely.


previous - next

0 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!