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10:15 PM - Thurs 9.10.20 Probably starting this too late, especially considering I need to get to bed earlier (I've been staying up till 2 or 3 am most nights, often to watch old reruns of NYPD Blue). I imagine I'm in for some early call times in the coming week. Anyway... While I wouldn't exactly say I'm "bi-polar" these days - My "highs" and "lows" are not that high and low - my moods have definitely been "mercurial". I have days where I'm fine...but at least as many where I'm...not. And I don't know why. I don't even know if there is a "why". Though I did theorize with Jane R. earlier this evening that part of my recurring dis-ease might be due to Shameless starting back up. Not "butterflies" because it's been a while, or some fear of COVID - though both those things are somewhat in the mix - but because Shameless "starting up" means the clock is now ticking till the time Shameless "finishes up". And what the fuck happens then? But I hope that's not what's going on. I don't want to be stealing happiness I might experience in the present with my worries of an unknown and unknowable post-Shameless future. Speaking of Shameless, I know one thing was a definite buzzkill - Having to email Wardrobe back after giving them my sizes, to tell them I was not actually a size 42" waist like I'd reported (I'd recently bought two pair of Dickies work-pants, size 42", that I thought would accommodate my current girth...and when I finally decided to try them on, I could barely get them closed. And I'd been horrified at the thought I'd let myself go till I was a size 42" (To clarify: I haven't worn actual pants since mid-March. Since then, it's all been sweatpants and gym shorts). Wardrobe doesn't give a shit, of course - They just want to get me in whatever size pants will fit my fat ass - but to realize how far I've really let things go, and just how much delusion has been involved in the process...well, it's disheartening. (Turns out, it's maybe more than "disheartening" - As I write this I'm feeling a powerful desire to literally beat the crap out of myself. I'm not going to...but I really, really want to.) I start shooting next week. I'm working this Monday and Tues, then I'm back on Friday, then again the following Monday and Tuesday, which gets me through the first three episodes of the show (I'm not in #4 and I don't know about anything after that). But while I'll be done with the first three episodes, shooting on them will go on through almost the end of next month - Then, as I said, I'm not in episode #4, so I'm looking at a good long layoff between episode #3 and...whatever the next episode I'll be in. So it'll be nice to have Jane rolling into town that second Tuesday. The timing will be good in two respects - There won't be any conflict with Shameless in terms of doing our thing, and it will distract me from worrying about "the ticking clock", about how many more episodes I'll be in before it's all over, etc. Do I sound depressed? I have a lot of perfectly fine days these days. I do. And even though I'm never doing "enough" - whatever that means - this period of time probably represents me being more creative than...well, more creative than any other time I can think of, what with drawing, podcasting, playing my instruments, doing TikTok videos, and of course, writing in here. But I get lonely sometimes, and feel isolated (Short of getting groceries, these days I can go for long periods of time not talking to anyone in the real world. - While I wasn't having deeply meaningful conversations before the pandemic, at least there were "conversations") And a surefire way to bum myself out? Think about the future. I wish it were not so. But anyway, my bedtime rapidly approaches - "Sipowicz" and Company will have to do without me this evening (The H&I channel on Antenna TV runs old episodes from 1:00-5:00 am). Till next time...
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