5:12 PM - FRI 11.22.19
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(Well, just glanced over my last entry and am more than a little embarrassed.
But "It is what it is", as they say...)

Since I last wrote, I've had two more commercial auditions, making this a banner month - I couldn't tell you how long it's been since I've had this many auditions in a month (Without checking, can't even tell you if it's happened this year before now).

And that's why I'm embarrassed; most people save their emotional crises for when things are going wrong, but apparently I prefer to wait until a time when most people would be jumping for joy over their good fortune.

Yesterday I had a super-secret audition for "Product X".

I went in assuming it was going to be something interesting and funny, probably with some celebrity spokesperson (If not, why all the secrecy?)...but it turned out to be a "face lottery", where they just wanted me to look up at the camera.

That was it.

I was in and out of the office in probably less than sixty seconds.

I was hugely disappointed. And not just because I'd built it up to be something cool when it wasn't, but because I'd desperately wanted the opportunity to "do something", to make up for my poor showing on Monday (It's not hard to feel I've got a shot when there's something to do and I do it well, but "face lottery" auditions, rightly or wrongly, just make me wish I'd stayed home and jerked off or something).

As I hit the street, first I had to stifle the urge to cry (for the second time in a week), then resist the urge to drown my sorrows in a couple doughnuts from the nearby 7/11.

In short, it wasn't a happy drive home.

But so the day wouldn't feel like a total loss, in the afternoon I took my keyboard in to get repaired (Since shortly after I got it, one of the keys - The "D" above middle "C" - was "off", making this vibrating/rattling noise when struck. And more recently the same thing had started happening with the "D" an octave down).

(Was afraid I'd waited too long to deal with it, but turns out I'm only five months into a three-year warranty.)

The guy at the repair place was super-weird, but in an entertaining way (Though he wasn't so entertaining I didn't start feeling anxious, after an endless monologue about how everyone had done everything wrong in the history of recorded sound - and recorded music in particular - to just say "Dude, I'm not an audiophile, so I don't give a shit - just fix my fucking keyboard, okay?").

But I have to go back and say one positive thing about that audition - I had just, a day or two previously, been wondering why this particular casting director hadn't brought me in in ages when she used to on a regular basis (You might call this "sychronicity"; I call it a "happy coincidence").

I assumed that three lackluster auditions were pretty much all I was gonna get this week...but happily, I was wrong.

Had a commercial audition this morning that rehabilitated Monday, in two respects - 1) There was an actual scene to play and I did it well, and, 2) It was for the same casting director and the same product (Suggesting the callback hadn't gone as badly as I'd imagined - I don't think they bring you back within days if you sucked).

But anyway...

I considered going to a movie today (Marriage Story, the latest Noah Baumbach film) but couldn't quite motivate myself to get there.

Probably should have gone. Should have done something, anyway; it's just too easy to slip into depression and lethargy otherwise.

But instead I opted to hole up in my apartment, not really doing much of anything (Right now, I'm fighting the urge to skip my dance class tonight, in part because I want to keep doing this...and in part because I'm a little headachy. But I'm going, because I think I'll feel worse if I don't. And this will be here when I get back).

Writing about auditions reminds me that I have a new "policy" about that - Seems like most actors don't talk about their auditions on social media (At least not the veteran ones), and I've decided I'm not going to either.

I know what you're thinking: This is a public journal, which is "social media".

But it feels different - This isn't me "shouting in the public square". This is something where you have to "opt-in".

The idea of not writing about auditions on Facebook or Twitter has stressed me out in the past, the feeling being that "If I don't write about the auditions I'm going out on, what am I going to write about?".

But I get why people don't do it - In this day and age, with everyone and their brother wanting NDAs, you're better off just not saying anything about anything. You don't want to lose a job because you blabbed "state secrets" about McDonald's or Coca-Cola (I've sometimes done the cutesy thing about how "I'm in an undisclosed location, doing something I can't tell you about", but in my book, that kind of "vaguebooking" gets old in a hurry).

But beyond the potential NDA legalities, I think there's something to be said for leading with your successes - Telling the world you're going out for this and that and the other thing ends up basically a giant list of all the "ones that got away" (Because they mostly do "get away").

Better that the general public doesn't hear anything until and unless you book (And some people don't say even then - I know some actors don't announce anything until they're telling you to watch them on this or that commercial or TV show or movie).

(Did end up going to my Hip-Hop class. It was fun.)

One problem I've been having lately is that it seems, without giving in to the urge to hit myself when I'm frustrated or angry (Or to drown my sorrows in pastries when I'm depressed or anxious) that I'm just rolling through my days frustrated and/or angry and/or depressed and/or anxious a good chunk of the time.

Turns out even if they aren't great stress-relief strategies and don't work as well as they used to...they still kinda work.

More than I realized

(Seriously - I've been rolling through my days feeling bad most of the time.)

So clearly that's going to be a major topic of discussion at therapy moving forward (Didn't have a session this past week. Could have used one too, in light of Monday's disappointments).

(It's weird...Had a headache before class, it subsided during class - thankfully - and now, after class, it's back. it's basically the reason I didn't start writing again till now. But anyway...)

Well, could swear I had more things to write about, but I'll be damned if I can think of them now.

And between my headache and a cat who just won't shut up - and coming off a shitty night's sleep (shitty even by my standards) - I don't think my thought processes are going to get any sharper.

So it's off to bed I go...

(As I begin, I'm wondering how a high-school acquaintance is doing with trying to book me on Cameo - She texted me last night to say she'd done it but nothing ever came through...)

I remembered at least one thing I wanted to write about last night...

It's not exactly the "nicest" strategy (Though better than punching myself in the head), but I've found something that, thus far, has helped me stay away from the doughnuts and pastries that are doing me no favors, and even slowed me down when it comes to using Amazon purchases as "retail therapy".

For now, I'm calling it "The Glengarry Glenn Ross Diet".

In that movie (Worth a look if you've never seen it), there's a scene where a fire-breathing real-estate company bigwig (Played by Alec Baldwin) is putting the fear of God into a stable of sad-sack salesmen.

At one point, Jack Lemmon's character (The saddest sad-sack of the bunch) goes over to get a cup of coffee, when he's called out by Baldwin:

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting a cup of coffee..."

"Put that coffee down! Coffee is for closers!"

It's struck me recently that I've been buying myself food treats all the time as if they're a reward for something.

Similarly, I buy rings and toys and shit off of Amazon like I did something that deserves a prize.

And once I thought, "I"m buying this shit like I earned a reward", I had another thought - "Hey, what if you held off on buying this shit until you've actually earned a reward? Like, for example, by booking a gig? ".

That thought was how I walked out of 7/11 without those doughuts on Thursday.

This is not a WW-approved strategy - You're not supposed to "reward yourself" with food - but better I reward myself for actually achieving something than for just feeling bad.

"Coffee is for closers."

So are doughnuts.

And discretionary Amazon purchases.

And on that note, this future "closer" is outta here...till next time...

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