1:16 pm - Tuesday, Feb. 06, 2007
\"Easy Comforts\"

Sun 2/4/07 (4:24 a.m.)

I�m troubled by the fact that I�ve become very boring (Alternate Theory: I've been boring all along, but just never realized it till now).

Get me off one of a very few subjects, mostly having to do with the wonder of me, and I really don�t have anything to say to anyone (And I�ve starting thinking that going on about �the wonder of me� is not nearly as interesting as I�ve sometimes imagined it to be).

But here�s the thing, and this just occurred to me a few minutes ago�No one ever seems to have anything very interesting to say to me either.

Which makes it difficult when I try to take the focus off me for a moment or two.

I used to be bored.

And now things have gotten worse; I�m bored, and boring.

(Editor�s note: I just realized I�ve written about this a number of times before; so apparently, I really don�t have anything interesting to say anymore.)

(I like having auditions at The Casting Studios. It's close enough that, in an emergency, I could walk there, so it's an easy bike ride, and right on a bus line to boot. But anyway...)

As I waited at the bus stop, I was looking in a nearby shop window, and saw a little toddler-sized vehicle in a box, with a Marvel comics theme (I remember there was a little Spiderman figure on the front of the car, that "jumps" up-and-down as the wheels turn).

And there was a picture of a little boy on the box, obviously having the time of his life tooling around in his snazzy new wheels.

As I looked at the picture�of what really was a not-especially-attractive kid�I started to �well up� a bit...

(I guess these little "emotional attacks" shouldn't surprise me anymore, but they still do.)

Obviously, I haven�t completely adjusted to the idea that I won�t be bringing any little Jims--or Jimettes--into the world.

I know I�ve said, more than once, that it�s probably for the best if I not breed, that I�m too selfish and fucked-up for it to be a good idea.

(What was it I said...? �My grandparents abandoned my mother, and my mother abandoned me, so perhaps it�s best if the madness ends here�? Something like that.)

But that doesn�t mean I�m always happy about it. It doesn�t mean I don�t sometimes feel I�m �missing out� in a pretty big way.

There are good reasons I shouldn�t be anyone�s parent, but be that as it may, a �biological imperative� to have children is a pretty tough fucking nut to crack.

After I got back, I was in the lobby of my apartment building, trying to keep out of the way of the handyman working in my apartment, when I picked up an �Easy Comforts� catalog someone had left on the table.

I�d never heard of it before, but it�s basically a catalog of old people products, things to help you deal with the fact that, now that you�re old, you can no longer get out of chairs, walk, feed yourself, clean yourself, or do anything, really, without the help of some labor-saving appliance.

I found it pretty depressing, in a �That�s what I have to look forward to?� way.

Though really, I have a feeling I�ll be damned lucky to get to that particular �stage of life��I�m tall, I�m single, I'm currently overweight (with high blood sugar), and I live in a big city, and in actuarial terms, none of that bodes well for my longevity (If I smoked, I probably would have died sometime last week).

Anyway, the catalog reminded me of something I�d said during my session with Javier--I want to lose weight, to do what I can to effect the kind of roles I get (I�m guessing sloppy-looking, overweight �Repulsive Dude� gets more �loser roles� than slim, well-kept �Less Repulsive Dude�), and to do what I can to be around longer, so the clock doesn�t run out on me before I succeed out here.

And if I can help it, if/when I do get old, I don't want to be "Easy Comforts" #1 customer.

previous - next