Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2:34 pm - Thurs 8.22.2013
The Void And The Comfort Zone

The Void And The Comfort Zone

"The void yawns. The hole in my life where two people I loved used to be. It cannot be filled."

That's from, of all things, a "Batman" comic.

When I read it sometime back (It was quoted in a review), it hit me hard, because it spoke to my own "void", the one I've come to realize "cannot be filled".

At a primal level, that's what acting has been, a lifelong, ongoing effort to "fill the void".

It doesn't mean I'm going to stop, now that I understand the effort was always doomed to failure, because I still get pleasure/satisfaction/some sense of "meaning" from it.

Besides, as I've said before, it's the only thing I can do that has any real/potential monetary value.

It's just not going to "make me whole".


(Thurs 8/22/13 8:17 am)

Up earlier than I would typically be on a Thursday - Stayed up till 2:00 am, then "made myself" go to bed...and just before I did, glanced at my calendar and realized I'd signed up to "fill" for the morning WW meeting in West LA.

I also worked Tuesday night, at the meeting I normally go to as a member. And I'm "filling" for Debbie, the 1st Receptionist, tomorrow morning, at the meeting I'm typically the #2 for.

So this week, I'm basically working a normal complement of hours, but for some time now, I've only worked on Friday or Sunday - which were two of my "regular meetings" - if I was "filling" for someone, because we haven't had the numbers to justify two receptionists.

So basically, I'm working one low-paying part time job with uncertain hours, and another well-paying, really part-time job, with tremendously uncertain hours.

No wonder I'm constantly feeling "under the gun" financially...

I think I have to find another job - I need a bigger, steadier stream of income than WW provides.

But "another job" doing what?


(11:14 am)

Back from WW, where someone - maybe Yours Truly - made a mistake; turns out I was not needed today.

So, got up early and drove there for nothing (But I did pick up some things at Ralphs on the way home, so there's that. But anyway...).

While I'm still on the subject...WW is in serious trouble these days.

There was an article in the WSJ a day or two ago, about how online weight-loss programs and cellphone diet-and-exercise apps - which are often free - are cutting into WW's profits.

Seems reasonable - Why pay for something you (at least think) you can get for free?

I would add to that some WW efforts at promotion that haven't really panned out - Jennifer Hudson, Charles Barkley, and Jessica Simpsons being been paid millions to be spokespeople (And of the three, only JH had any impact that I could see), and the latest iteration of the program (WW 360), rightly or wrongly, hasn't turned people on the way "Points" and "PointsPlus" did before it.

WW apparently lost some $500 million in value in the stock market recently, and the CEO recently "resigned" and was replaced by some guy whose previous company experience has been with - I'm not making this up - Oreos and Cadbury chocolate (And apparently - according to the same WSJ article - the whole national "front office" has been fired and replaced in the past year or so).

Add to all that rumblings of worker dissatisfaction with wages and (To a lesser extent) working conditions (Mostly to do with the technology they work with), and an economic "recovery" that doesn't seem to have done much for anyone but rich people, and it spells trouble with a capital "T" in WW-land.

And I say all this as, if not an "Apostle" of WW, at least a fan; I started at WW, about five years ago, weighing almost 270 lbs, and lost almost 75 lbs (And in spite of my current struggles, am still keeping off about 50 lbs). I never lost anything like that much weight on my own, and when I would lose, I never kept it off.

So the program works (Or it can work "if you work it", as they say in AA). And I like that WW works to "keep up with the science", and adjusts the program accordingly.

And I think the meetings are important - They certainly were for me - and that me and my coworkers offer a good, friendly, supportive environment.

All that said, I need to make money; I have to make a decent wage, and I have to have hours I can count on (And yes, it would be nice to have less "glitchy" technology that supported my efforts to help the member instead of hindered them...but if I had to choose, I'd rather have the money!).

I just would like to be able to meet my basic needs without a lot of fuss-and-bother and "The bottom could drop out any time now" terror.

It would just be nice to know I was going to be "okay" at a baseline level, so I can focus on other things (Like, for example, an acting career).

Is that so wrong...?


Well, this doesn't rise to the level of "exploring other income possibilities" - there's potentially some money involved, though I have a feeling it's nothing substantial - but I did finally send out that application to be an FCAA speaker (For the uninitiated, FCAA stands for "Foster Care Alumni Association").

On one level, it was no big deal - It was a very simple, one-page application, basically just saying "I want to do it" - but I was very proud of myself for getting it out there.

I don't think it was always such an issue, but it's very hard for me to "move out of my comfort zone" (Or maybe it has "always been an issue" - After all, it took me 20 years to get from "wanting to be a professional actor" to "actually going to LA and trying to make it happen"). The older and tired-er I get, the easier it is to convince myself I can't do anything more than I'm doing.

But I can't be the guy that's not happy with where he's at, and the guy that's too tired/lazy/scared to try new things. Those are not "two great tastes that go great together"...!

And on that note, I'd better conclude - I have to actually head out to work in a few minutes...


previous - next

0 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!