7:45 am - Tues 6.11.2013
Conjunction Junction/Stagnation Nation

Just got up a short time ago...starting to "sleep in" on days/mornings off, which is a mistake - I don't feel any more rested, and that being the case, it's a waste of time...and I waste more-than-enough time as it is.

Seeing Now You See Me in a couple hours, at the Los Feliz; beyond that, it's another "open-ended" day - I have to get some groceries at some point, but that's about it.

A big thing that's been bothering me awhile now is something that bothered me for years in Lansing - My life has gotten stagnant.

At least the two biggest chunks of it are - My "day job" and my "career".

Weight Watchers is Weight Watchers, and since I don't want to "go up the corporate ladder", there's basically nowhere for it to go - Just "lather, rinse, repeat" until I quit or get fired. And though, most days, I basically like the job, there are aspects of it that are starting to chafe a bit.

And I haven't had anything feeling like "forward momentum" in acting since the two "recurrings" on Shameless and Austin & Ally (The Austin & Ally one feeling somewhat tarnished because it fizzled-out after three episodes in the first season. Even Shameless has me feeling like "I screwed up somehow..." - It doesn't feel like I've created a "successful character" when I barely got used this past season).

And I don't know exactly how to "un-stagnate" myself...

I feel stuck.

And this is the interesting thing about being me - I'm tremendously anxious and fearful about trying new things, therefore I mostly don't, and then eventually I'm bored and depressed because "nothing is happening".

Like my apartment, it's a small, dirty little box I live in.

I don't immediately have "answers" to this issue, but I'm guessing part of the "solution" involves telling myself I'm not "stuck", even if I feel stuck, telling myself there are "answers" to this problem I just haven't seen yet.

It doesn't feel like much - another problem of mine; when I do rouse myself to take some kind of positive action in my life, I have a hard time giving myself any credit for it -but I did start doing those little videos, after thinking about it for at least a year (I still don't think I'm very good at it yet...but I'll get there).

And even if I didn't make the initial "move", I did at least have the sense to take a "leap of faith" when Janet wanted to connect with me (And, three meetings later, that seems to have been a worthwhile "leap" to have made).

Literally no time to do this. Just wrapping up so I can post, because I don't think this entry is going to get any better with age...

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