9:55 pm - Thursday, Mar. 13, 2003
Mon 3/10/03 10:20 am
Lauren's due to arrive in about ten minutes (She's been in town for her niece's christening. She's going back to Seattle tomorrow afternoon). We're going to do a little breakfast/brunch thing, since my schedule was changed again recently, and I have to work at 3:30, instead of having the day off like I have for the past couple weeks. But scheduling issues aside, this certainly brightens my day, and helps with my outlook in general; I seem constantly in need of a reminder on this, but sometimes there's actual fun to be had in this little life of mine.
Auditioned for another student film yesterday. This one was at USC.
It's called Desert Fox, and I read for...ummmm...I forget the character's name, but he's the bartender. Like Missing Breath, it's just the one scene, basically, but that's enough at this point (As long as the character has enough screen time to make an impression, I'm happy. At least for now).
(Talking to Cary yesterday, I commented, with some chagrin, on how this is the third film audition--and there haven't been all that many-- where I'm playing someone behind a counter. It leaves me wondering exactly what vibe I'm giving off here!)
Wed 3/12/03 8:27 pm
The feeling I'm having lately, regarding my moods, is that I periodically--okay, change "periodically" to "frequently"-- just run out of gas, and then have a hard time figuring out where to go for "fuel".
But fortunately, I don't seem to need that much "fuel". A free thing here, a nice moment there, a thing or two to look forward to, and I'm good to go. It may not be a full tank, but it keeps me going another couple miles.
And beyond that, I have an inner "failsafe"; I only seem to get but so depressed about life before I snap back. Because when it comes down to it, what else am I going to do? Kill myself? Because I'm not a big famous actor? Because I'm not gettin' any? Because this is the last season of Buffy?
That would just be...silly.
All this said, of course I'd like to find something a little more fulfilling in life, something that would allow me to operate with a "full tank" more of the time (Anyone else getting tired of that car/gas analogy? Cause I kind of am). But I don't know what that fulfilling thing would be.
God? I think we've been down that "road to Damascus" before. I don't know that there's a god, I don't know who or what she/he/it is if there is a god, and I'm not all that clear on what difference it would make if God came down on a cloud, gave me a high-five, and said "This is my beloved Jimbo, and I think he's really cool".
The "love of a good woman"? I'm starting to think I've got a better shot at the "God-coming-down-on-a-cloud" thing.
My "acting career"? Well, if and when I get one, I'll let you know. But again, I'm feeling doubtful--There are just too many messed up artists in general/actors in particular for me to continue to delude myself on that front. When I get to be a successful actor, I'm sure I'll still figure out new and creative ways to be unhappy; I'll just be unhappy in a nicer place, with more expensive stuff.
No, I think if there's fulfillment to be had, some sense of general "I'm okay, you're okay"-ness, it'll have to come from within.
So basically, I'm screwed.
Made a decision recently, about a relationship that's "gone South". A decision to not argue, not attack, not defend, not do anything. And it makes sense, really; If nothing feels right, maybe that's what you should do--nothing (Of course, the flaw in that logic--"The monkey in the wrench", to quote Die Hard---is that "nothing feeling right" is the usual weather forecast in Jimlandia. But in this particular instance, I'm thinking I'm onto something).
There have been a number of things to be grateful about recently...
1. Still not getting tired of the weather, and I'm just not seeing the day coming when I'll go, "Another perfect, sunny day? I am so tired of this...".
And the big thing I've been grateful for this past week was Lauren's visit on Monday.
She was here to attend her niece's christening--she's the godmother--but was able to make a little time to see Yours Truly.
We went to Canter's, which is the first time I'd been there since New Year's Eve with Brad W.
She had a reuben--I don't know if it was turkey or roast beef--and a side of potato latkes (Or were they knishes? I'm not that up on my Jewish dishes), and I had eggs and a minute steak, and shared the latkes/knishes/whatever they were.
After our brunch/lunch, we came back to my place, and just hung out and chatted till it was time for me to go to work (She gave me a ride in). It was great fun, even though we were both obviously dead on our feet (And without my requisite "middle-aged-guy nap", my day at work later on was pretty challenging).
It was nice, but Lauren's visit played up the problem with basing your general mood on what is or isn't happening at a given time; I looked forward to her visit, I had a nice time while she was here...and then she was gone.
And I felt a distinct letdown afterwards.
(To be continued...)
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