10:48 pm - Sat 1.25.2014
Convalescing

While I'm never exactly a ball of fire in terms of getting things done, these days I don't seem to be up for doing anything, other than "watching stuff" (And even then, probably not if I have to go anywhere to do the watching).

For at least a week or more, I had an entry in here that was just about done, but couldn't seem to wrap it up, and it basically "rotted on the vine".

(A synopsis: I dropped my cable in 2013, which seemed like a really big deal before I did it, but turns out not to be that big a deal after all. And I used some Target gift certificates to buy a flat-screen tv. Which was fun, because I never get to buy myself nice things. And then, bitten by the "bug" - to acquire up-to-date technology - I bought a smartphone. Which I like, but feel guilty about, because even a cheap smartphone is a "big ticket item" in my world, and I already had a cell phone that worked. Like I said, "I never get to buy myself nice things", because I don't have the money for those sorts of things. But I did anyway.)

So what else is going on...?

I'm sick.

This is the third time I've been sick in recent months. Actually, I don't know if it's three separate bouts of illness, or one bout of something that just won't die, but I'm feeling more discouraged by the whole business than you might imagine (Having to do with feeling of mortality, since my ability to fend off illness is seemingly not what it used to be, meaning I'm getting older and will eventually die. And I'm still at the point where I find the idea that I'm going to die...disheartening).

Finding it hard to think about anything other than being sick, and how I can't breathe, and can't even get the shitty night's sleep I typically get, so am stuffed-up and sore and tired and depressed.

My cat Hamlet continues to be treated for the parasite Giardia, so far to no avail.

I'm a little discouraged about this ongoing situation, but what can I do? I can't just let him have diarrhea for the rest of his life, so we just have to press on, hopefully toward a solution in the not-too-distant future.

Starting to think I should have stuck with my previous "dead on the vine" draft. But anyway...

No auditions this past week, which was - you guessed it - discouraging.

On the other hand...

I'm not supposed to report it, because it's not a done deal, but it looks like I'm going to get one more episode of Shameless before the season's done.

Don't know the details yet - hence the "not a done deal, and I shouldn't be reporting it yet" bit - but it's cool to have gotten in so many episodes this season (Particularly gratifying because I was worried about my "utility" on the show going into this season. Also haven't always been happy with my recent efforts - But in purely pragmatic terms, it doesn't matter if I'm happy or not, just so long as they are).

Very much wishing I didn't feel so bad - Because it just sucks to be sick, for one thing, but also because I feel like I can't pull myself out of the corresponding depression I'm wrestling with. Having to tell myself, over and over, "You're just sick Jim - Beyond that, nothing's any worse than ever".

But I don't believe me.

Just stressing about all the things I usually stress about, amplified by feeling like shit physically.

I'll get it over it.

But for now...there have been better times to be me.

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