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3:04 pm - Mon 4/18/05
Course Correction

Course Correction

Sat 4/16/05 (1:27 a.m.)

Cary's birthday was on Thursday.

I didn't send him a card. I didn't even call to say "Happy Birthday".

I thought about calling him, I thought I should call, but I was embarrassed to, for some reason.The mere idea made me feel uncomfortable and anxious. Can't quite figure that out...Maybe because if I acknowledge his birthday, it points out that I'm not in a position to really get him anything (What could I buy him that he couldn't just get for himself?). And I'm sure he doesn't really care, because he doesn't need anything from me, but I find it embarrassing, nevertheless.

And as we know, everything, in one way or another, ends up being about me.

I'm so stupid sometimes...

Anyway, happy belated birthday, Cary. I'm really glad you were born.

Sun 4/17/05 (2:25 p.m.)

Was thinking about the bookstore...

Between the old bookstore back in Michigan, and my current indentured servitude at Borders, I've done "the bookstore thing" for almost 15 years now.

That's a really long time to do something you're, in large part, not very good at.

That's a really long time to do something that, in large part, bores the crap out of you.

That's a really long time to take the easy route, to be lazy, to feel vaguely–and sometimes not so vaguely–dissatisfied with the course your life has taken.

That's a really long time to be doing something that's beneath you, something you should have moved past a decade least.

That's a really long time to pick up after people, to take their abuse, to be subservient to people who should really be taking orders from you (Except I don't really have that much interest in ordering people around).

That's a really long time to be poor, to have your entire life, from top to bottom, be dictated, in large part, by how little money you have.

I was just thinking about that...


A lot of nice little things to be grateful for lately...

Forgot to set my vcr for Desperate Housewives and Gray's Anatomy last week, but Nikki (One of the register people at work) didn't forget to set her vcr, and let me borrow her tape.

Speaking of tapes, somebody, or maybe a couple of somebodies, have left a number of tapes on the little "giveaway sconce" in the lobby of my building. In recent weeks, I've seen episodes of Buffy and My So-Called Life (Two of my favorite shows ever), along with movies like Tortilla Soup, The Red Shoes, Bubble Boy, and The Mask (There's another tape I haven't watched with Howard's End and Peter's Friends).

I also picked up–from the same "giveaway sconce"–two great pairs of sunglasses ("Ray-Ban" knockoffs) that fit perfectly (Which is not to be taken lightly when you're talking about a giant asymmetrical head like mine).

And at the bookstore, our "book loan" program is running again (I promptly borrowed Blink, the latest book by Malcolm Gladwell, and am finding it most interesting).
I had the urge to thank David, but 1) I haven't seen him since then, and 2) He's the same guy who took it away in the first place; I'm not going to say "Thanks for returning what you should never have taken from us anyway". Expressing gratitude in that circumstance is a little too "Stockholm Syndrome" for me.

Mon 4/18/05 (9:38 a.m.)

Could have had my first notary job recently...Tim G. asked if I had my notary stuff yet–For the record, I do not–because he has some insurance thing he needs notarized (Since he didn't go to the doctor, I assume it's something from the other guy's insurance company. Probably a release form, saying that since Tim opted not to seek medical treatment, if his head explodes or his legs fall off somewhere down the road, they aren't liable).

Just finished watching Desperate Housewives and Gray's Anatomy...

I agree with critics who are saying Gray's Anatomy is nothing we haven't seen before–It's basically early E.R.–but I also agree with the critics who say not everything needs to be "edgy". Just give me some likeable, relatable characters, some decent writing, and a situation that's inherently "dramatic", and I'm good.

And speaking of "inherently dramatic", my callback for "Under Milkwood" is in a few hours...

I'm going to drive this time. At their request, I'm going in a little "dressier" this time out–black khakis, herringbone sportscoat, blue button-down shirt–and don't want to risk getting all sweaty.

And unlike the initial audition, this time I have to go to work afterwards. Which, if I ride my bike, would mean getting to work hours early (If I went straight to work from the audition), or else riding 14 or 15 miles to and from the audition, then my normal 10 or 11 miles to and from work, and that would be a little much (Particularly when you add an additional six hours on my feet at work).

Looking on (On Friday, I think it was), I saw an "open call" for a summer season of theatre with Uptempo Productions.

They're doing The Music Man (Which is one of my favorite "old school" musicals), To Gillian On Her 37th Birthday (Which I've done once before, but would enjoy doing again), and Beyond Therapy (Which I've never done, but which I think would be good for me). There's stuff I could do in every show.

So I'm enthused about the season. But even more than that, I'm enthused about the "audition process": It's an open call, with callbacks in the evening, which I find very appealing. And you can opt to sing a song a cappella (As opposed to coming in with a recorded track; apparently there's no accompanist), and to"cold read" from the scripts (As opposed to coming in with a prepared monologue).

Now you might think singing a song a cappella and reading "cold" from the scripts would be more stressful than going in with something recorded, and doing a prepared monologue. But I don't know anyone out here who plays piano, wouldn't want to spend the money to hire someone, etc. And I've never liked having to work up a monologue; I always have a hard time finding something that "fits" me, and never feel like I picked the right thing for the audition (I feel like "What better way to know if I'm good for the part than to have me read the part?").
Got back from the Under Milkwood callback about an hour ago...

I think it went very well. The director was very nice, warm and agreeable, and after I did the thing I'd auditioned with, they asked me to look at something else, and I think I did pretty well with that also.

(Though the bit I read "cold" made me think "I might be in a bit over my head here..."; it was very "poetic", as you might imagine, with lots of words I never use in day-to-day life, and would be a serious bitch to memorize.)

So we'll see. I left with that "I could get this feeling", but it's pretty much out of my hands now.

It occurs to me that this conflicts, at least in part, with the Uptempo Productions stuff. But what's the likelihood that I get both things?

And if I do? Well, I've officially had worse problems...

I know that if I get one or the other of these things, there will be "challenges" involved, but the fact that I was pretty chipper at work this weekend, over the possibility of actually doing some acting again, suggests that I may be going in the right direction.


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