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12:35 pm - SAT 2/23/02 Just spent the better part of the last two hours writing in Diaryland, only to first have Explorer start to shut down, then when I tried to quickly cut and paste to work offline, have my computer crash altogether (Interestingly enough, back in the day when I journalled in a book, the book NEVER "crashed"). So I kind of want to rewrite what I wrote, but I'm also feeling tired and like I need to move on with my day. What to do? (Maybe I can just "hit the highlights"...) Had an interesting talk with Robert the other day (Robert is one of the supervisors at work). He used to be a stockbroker or some such thing, and basically was rolling in dough. It's a position I have never been in, but he said something that provided me an interesting perspective; He said he got into this thing where, since the only "perk" of the job was that he was making huge amounts of money, he felt he HAD to spend outrageously, or else, "What was I KILLING myself for?". But eventually he got out, because it wasn't satisfying and he WAS killing himself, for a job that didn't mean anything to him, and a "perk"--being able to spend $100 on lunch, or $500 on a pair of pants--that started to seem kind of empty, and more than a little insane. Anyway, it got me considering how I feel about money. I don't perceive myself as wanting more money in order to have more STUFF, though I'm sure if I DID have money, I'd probably HAVE more stuff. I also don't think I have any interest in having money as an end in itself, to feel successful or boost my shaky self-esteem. When I think about having money, I DO feel a little bit (Okay, maybe a LOT bit) as if I am a lesser person because I'm poor (I think the society I live in views me that way, and it's a battle not to view MYSELF that way).. But more than anything, I just feel FRUSTRATED. I don't want money to MATTER the way it feels like it does (I can't think of a single aspect of my life that doesn't feel negatively impacted by my perpetual lack of funds. And I feel that NOW more than ever). My thoughts of having money center around being able to do what I want to do without feeling limited by money, and being less FEARFUL about the future (Often, I wonder who I'd BE with money. So many of my thoughts involve fears/ frustrations about money, that I don't know what my mental landscape would be LIKE without that concern). I know my thoughts about money are simplistic, and I know that having money creates NEW problems of its own, but I still believe that having money would be better than not having money. (I'd forgotten how I started this entry originally. But what I just said reminded me of it. ) But my feelings about money--My frustrations about my poverty, my fantasies of how life will be better if/when I have money, etc.--demonstrate a MAJOR problem in my thinking. I have a very hard time "being here now". I'm always in the future somewhere, usually WORRYING about it, but sometimes holding it out in my mind as the time when things will finally "start going the way they're SUPPOSED to". Very rarely am I right HERE, right NOW, appreciating what there is to appreciate in the present moment. Appreciating that I am ALIVE, and how that's basically a GOOD thing. Life is not "in the future". Life is right NOW (And it occurs to me, interestingly enough, that if I can't take that to heart, I'm probably not going to HAVE a future worth thinking about). ******************************************************************************** More stuff from "the pocket journal"... I was very excited about "The Dark Knight Strikes Back", Frank Miller's long awaited sequel to the "The Dark Knight Returns", a groundbreaking, four-part Batman "graphic novel" (The second installment of the three-part sequel recently hit the bookstore). But you know what? It SUCKS. There hasn't been a single moment in the sequel so far that's packed the visceral excitement of the original (I don't imagine there are any "Dark Knight" fans reading this, so I'll spare you a blow-by-blow critique of something you probably haven't read and could care less about ). I feel a little silly for EXPECTING so much...but I did. _____________________________________________________________________________ Why worry? Why worry right NOW? Why worry this very MOMENT? 1. Bills are getting paid. 2. I have a roof over my head. 3. I'm not going hungry. 4. I have a job. 5. I seem to be at least fairly healthy. Worry, if I can't do anything about it, or if I can do something about it and REFUSE to, is POINTLESS. Worse than "pointless"--It's DESTRUCTIVE. _____________________________________________________________________________ Simple things that have mattered to me lately... 1. Getting a taillight on my bike. Without a taillight on my bike, I've been limited to riding home on the sidewalk at night. Now, if I want to ride on the sidewalk I still CAN, but I can also ride on the street; I can ride down Wilshire, or go all the way down 3rd St, or go back the way I came (Going down 3rd, then cutting over to 4th, then over to 5th.). Riding on the street, I tend to get home a little faster, but mostly, it's just nice to feel like I can do something a little different if I WANT to. I can CHOOSE to be in a rut, but a rut is not being IMPOSED upon me. 2. I recently bought a toaster. I like toast. 3. I've started making a point of carrying my cell phone in my backpack. I bought a cell phone for the trip out here. I haven't had all that much USE for it since, which has been a source of frustration for me, but I've been stuck with the contract I signed, and also feel compelled to keep the service because, after all, I'm an ACTOR, and have to be as available as possible. I started carrying the cell phone, in small part, because of the new backpack I bought awhile back. I also feel more of a general sense of well-being, because if a tire falls off my bike or I have some other "issue" on the way to work, I can call them and let them know the deal. But the most important thing is purely "psychological" at this point; I feel like, by carrying the cell phone around with me more, I'm setting up in my mind that I AM a professional actor, and am PREPARED (Like some kind of Acting Boy-Scout). Maybe it's the idea of "faking it till I make it", but it makes me feel just a little BETTER somehow. 4. I've recently been invited--ENCOURAGED actually--to start parking my bike inside the store again. For quite awhile, I'd parked my bike in the back room at the store (Where the books come in). I started doing this after coming out to the bike racks one day and finding one of my tires totally flat ( I was paranoid that someone had vandalized it, though I had no way to be sure, and it was much more likely that I had just rode over some glass or something). Anyway, I started parking inside, until Padric told me I wouldn't be able to do that over the holidays. And Ryan, the inventory manager, had always given me the stink-eye over parking in the back room anyway (Ryan, btw, was recently fired over one too many "occurences" ). Well, apparently there have been some THEFTS of bicycles from the lot, and Robert recently put a note in our mailboxes, saying that if we ride to work, we can park inside (I had been parking in a little shed-like area off to the side of the loading dock. Better than parking in the open--more hidden, certainly--but still available to any bike thief who took the time to check it out). I'm happy about this development. I feel safer, for sure. I've also been unhappy at the idea of having to leave my bike out in the rain, so that's good too. But there's something else that's a little harder to define...I guess I feel happy to have that "perk". When you feel like you have a job that doesn't really DO that much for you, little things count. It may sound dumb, but I feel SPECIAL that I'm able to bring my bike inside and park it in the back room. And it feels like one less thing to worry about. _____________________________________________________________________________ Being positive--It's not just about putting the best positive "spin" on bad events, but about genuinely BELIEVING that you're capable of meeting life's challenges. Believing that life can be more fun, more joyful, more meaningful, not just in some fantasy future, but right NOW. _____________________________________________________________________________ I think a lot about reading at the bookstore. We are not supposed to read. Not at the information counter, not at the register, not at the cafe counter. No where (Even in the break room, we're not supposed to have any unpurchased merchandise). Sometimes it drives me crazy. And I, like many other people, "sneak read" whenever I can get away with it. Obviously, I "get" that you can't have your employees reading all the time, when there are customers to be waiting on or what-have-you. But by the same token, it's rough to be so bored sometimes, have relief right at hand, and not be able to take advantage (It's like someone saying, "I know you're in the desert and you're dying of thirst, but that water is not for YOU, okay?"). I could make all kind of arguments about it being ADVANTAGEOUS to the company that we be better informed about books, about current events, about popular culture, etc, and I really think that's VALID, but let's be honest--It's mostly just about me wanting to READ. Well, what was taking half the morning has now taken the entire morning. I don't feel GREAT about it, but what can I SAY? Sometimes that's just how it goes... P.S. Do you ever wonder why you get so furious when things don't go the way you want them to, but give no thought at all to all the times things go right? I do.
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