10:36 pm - Thurs 3.03.2011
\"Crazy Looking\"?

The following is an excerpt from the "Television Without Pity" recap of my Shameless episode ("Frank Gallagher: Beloved Husband, Devoted Father"):

A funny-faced fellow name of Kermit shows up with several bags of Frank's mail, which he's been receiving for what seems like years. Kermit's girlfriend Cynthia (and I really can't stress enough how crazy-looking this Kermit actually is) has decreed that he can't get Frank's mail anymore, and gotten rid of both his 19th-century erotica ("That was hard") and Atari cartridges ("That was harder"), and Kermit is learning to compromise. "She's my last chance at happiness, and that's more important than video games and masturbation, right?"

Okay, I kind of get "funny-faced fellow".

But "crazy looking"?

Compared to who - Charlie Manson?

But I should be fair - since I haven't seen the scene in question yet, who knows? I could very well end up saying, "Gee, I shouldn't have been so hard on that 'Television Without Pity' writer, cause it turns out I am 'crazy looking'...".

So I was extremely disappointed when I started doing my taxes online, and found that, contrary to getting a refund, I actually owe, between state and federal, over $800.

Truthfully, I've been beyond "extremely disappointed" - It's been more a case of "fighting not to push the 'Panic Button'" ($800 is a sum of money I don't have just "lying around the house").

People have suggested I have a professional give things a second look, which I will probably do (In spite of my fear that I'll do that, then have that bill...and the $800 tax bill, to deal with).

This is only the second time I've made actual money out here - well, "actual money" compared to what I typically make in a year - and once again, it's caught me off-guard.

(Being a lifelong "poor person", I typically take the standard deduction, and it typically means I get a refund.)

Clearly, I need to become more of an adult about this shit, and 1) Be more aware of what's happening during the year, and 2) start keeping serious, detailed records of expenses (Mileage is the big one I never do that I really need to start doing).

(I thought about taking deductions in 2009 - or was it 2008? - and I did save my expense receipts...but they ended up just about the same as taking the standard deduction.)

Anyway, I'm going to try to put together what I can, deduction-wise, and see if it adds up.

While I tell myself, over and over, "It's all going to work out...somehow".

Talked to Cary earlier today...

Had a big laugh when, as soon as I started telling him about Googling for recaps of my Shameless episode, he said, "Oh no - You read the 'Television Without Pity' thing!" (Or words to that effect).

I told him I wished I could write Steve Buscemi, to ask if it still bothered him when people make unkind comments about his appearance in print (I think it might, but I also think he might be "crying all the way to the bank" at this point...which is the position I'd like to be in, hopefully in the not-too-distant future).

But lately, the Leaders I work with have been dropping like flies...

Lynda S., who I've worked with on Saturdays, worked her last meeting this past week, because she actually lives in the desert with her husband, and is burnt out on the commute (She's been staying in LA during the week, and going home on the weekends, for the past year-and-a-half. And I can see where that would wear on you after a time).

Miriam B., who I worked with on Wednesdays, gave notice two weeks ago because she passed the bar a couple months back, and is now shadowing a DA (In an internship thing she hopes will turn into an actual job).

Frustrated when she needed a "fill" for her two Wednesday meetings - the DA person needed her on a case - and no fills were to be had, she gave notice.

(The issue of finding "fills" is a problem I've also wrestled with on Wednesdays, which seem to be a prime day for auditions. Honestly, while I actually like working at WW, by and large, I'd quit in a heartbeat over this issue, if I could. It's that stressful and crazy-making).

Elaine B., who I work with on Thursday nights, broke her ankle recently (This in fairly close proximity to breaking a kneecap, and having hip replacement surgery, not to mention having other tough family situations she's had to deal since last year).

I have to go to bed pretty soon, so I haven't given myself the time I need to write about this in full - but suffice it to say, for now, that I like these three people, and am sorry to lose them in my life.

(I haven't "lost" Elaine at this point, but I worry - She's had a series of tough breaks at this point, no pun intended. And while she's in great shape for her age, and a fighter, this stuff has to take a toll.)

I find these changes upsetting, in part because I don't like change, and in part because I don't want to end up at WW for the next 25 years, while everyone else I know moves on.

Okay, I've got to wrap this entry up...!

Have an audition for a new Disney Show called Kickin' It on Monday - as "Adolfo", a children's photographer.

It's a cute bit, and would be fun to do.

But that said, I really wish it were a prime-time network show - Not so much for the "prestige factor" (Though there is that - given the choice, I'd rather act for adults), but because I just can't make it on what you get paid on a Aftra "Under Five" cable contract (I could book two or three of those jobs a month for the rest of the year, and it wouldn't be enough).

What I need are network shows (And "guest star" roles), national commercials (That actually run...unlike my @#!! Budweiser spot), and maybe a couple weeks on a real movie.

Last year's "success" - and I shouldn't put "success" in quotations, because it was a successful year - has kind of bit me in the ass; I'm having a hard time shaking feelings of discouragement & disappointment over "having my best year ever" (In terms of how many jobs I booked, if not in actual earnings), and having it not mean anything more than relief that "I made it through another year...!".

I'm almost 50 years old - I need more than "making it through another year".

I need to make enough money that I can pay the people I owe what I owe them; I don't like the fact that people have helped me when I needed it, and have gotten diddley-squat from me in return.

I want to make enough money that I can put money away; I don't plan to ever "retire" - what would I retire to? - but I need to have a nest egg that would at least let me live the very modest lifestyle I'm accustomed to (should the roles dry up, or should I become unable to work).

And I want to make enough money to have a life - It doesn't have to be a "fancy life" (Though I'd be okay with that), but I'd really like to have to enough money to keep myself afloat, get to enjoy some extras (Full cable tv would be nice, for example), and have enough money left over to know that I'm never going to end up homeless.

And finances (And fears of future homelessness) aside, there's my desire as an actor to do something more than say a line or two on a handful of tv shows each year.

Financially, creatively, I'm way-past-ready to climb another rung (or two) up "The Ladder Of Success".

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