1:32 pm - Sun 3/30/03
Stumble, Fumble, Bumble, Crumble

(Having another one of periods of time where I think "I should be writing in my journal", which is then followed by not writing in my journal. And now I've given myself about 15 mintues to do this...)

The Music Man audition went badly. The third audition for a theater thing, and the second musical audition, where that was the case (When I say "badly", I mean "As if I were someone who had never done this sort of thing before").

Basically, I didn't look at the "sheet music" I thought I had till the night before the audition (I already knew the song, and was "rehearsing" for it by singing along to the tape of the soundtrack. This seems like a good time to also say that I bought that new boombox I'd been thinking about, the deciding factor being the need to "rehearse" for this audition, though I also have, by my count, 117 cassette tapes, which is a lot of music that's going to waste if I have nothing to play them on. But anyway...). When I did look at the "music", I realized that it wasn't anything but the "vocal line" to the song, and that being the case, was pretty useless.

Sure enough, when I went to the Debbie Reynolds theater in North Hollywood the next day, and presented what I had to the accompanist--with much inappropriate bumbling and fumbling--he said "I don't know this song. I can't do anything with this".

And there I was.

And it actually kind of got worse. Instead of doing, in hindsight, what I should have done, which was to apologize for wasting their time and leave, I stumbled and bumbled and fumbled some more: "Ahhh...I could sing it a cappella, or...ummm...if you don't mind if I look at the words, I could sing something from the show...".

So I tried to sing something from the show ("Sadder but Wiser Girl"). And it should have been fine--I know the tune, and had the words right in front of me--but I was shaken, and in my effort to "perform", I looked up one time too many, got lost in the lyrics, and...well, I don't think the word "train wreck" is an exxaggeration here.

Often times, when I leave an audition feeling I've done really badly, it makes me very angry at myself. I want to hurt myself...and sometimes do.

This time out, somehow, was different. I didn't feel the urge to punch or slap myself, as I sometimes do, but it was all I could do not to dissolve into tears once I was out on the street again (And I don't mean a single, tasteful tear, sliding down my grizzled cheek. I'm talking wracking sobs of anguish here!).

But I'm afraid I'm out of time (Didn't plan on giving this sorry little episode this much space, but since I have, and the story isn't really done, I'll have to come back to it later).

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