11:03 pm - Sat 1/20/07
Thurs 1/18/07 (4:33 p.m.)
I’m starting to think I won’t be shooting the Propel spot today...
But in honor of that glorious booking, I bought a bottle of Propel while shopping for groceries earlier this afternoon. And I have to say, it’s pretty darned refreshing :)
A couple of things got “pushed off the front page” with the good news about Propel...
Sat 1/20/07 (3:19 p.m.)
For example, as of this past Monday, I’m giving therapy another shot, for the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long.
I was very ambivalent about the whole thing–didn’t want to “waste my time”, didn’t want to spend the money, etc.–and was ready to bolt well into that first session.
And that impulse to “bolt” was, if this makes any sense, one of the reasons I actually decided to do it. The impulse to run was way out-of-proportion to any “reason” to run (A $32 a month bill, “wasting” 50 minutes a week, etc). And that made me wonder exactly what it is I’m trying to avoid.
After filling out some forms, and getting a little orientation by Javier (The therapist), I spent the rest of the time telling him all about the wonders of Jim–the childhood in foster care, the long-term lack of sex/romance, the frustration of a lifetime of crap jobs (And the attendant money woes), my acting aspirations (And the stresses and strains that’s entailed), the chronic loneliness/worry/depression I’ve experienced, and the interesting mix of fear and excitement I have about the future.
(Regarding “the future”: It’s hard for me to express the range of feelings I’m having, over coming out here to make a dream come true...and having it perhaps be coming true as I speak. It’s about 90% thrilling, to be sure, but that leaves 10% of scariness and uncertainty–“Is this really happening? And if it is, is it going to keep happening often enough to call it a career? And if it is, what’s life going to be like? I’ve been a failure all my life; what will it mean for me to finally be a success?”)
I guess I think I’m a pretty complex psychological package, cause one reason I was resistant to trying therapy again was that I knew, at a walk-in clinic like this, that I’d likely be dealing with a psych grad student, half my age, with minimal “life experience”, who probably wouldn’t know much more psychology than I do (I also have “abandonment issues”; in the past, I’ve had to deal with the “revolving door” nature of places like this, when I’ve built up trust in someone, forged a relationship, then had to start all over again when they left for bigger and better things).
And sure enough, Javier is a grad student (What can I say? I’ve gone down this road before).
But I was impressed with his demeanor, with what he had to say, and with what he thought we could “work on” together.
And basically–“abandonment issues” aside--what could it hurt?
I recently received an email from someone offended at how they were depicted in one of my Diaryland entries, who then “demanded” I delete the entry in question.
It’s the second time that’s happened since I went online (And in both instances, the offending entry was written years ago).
(Note to self: In the future, never use anyone’s full first and last names in an entry. Especially people who are so insecure they probably “Google” themselves daily...like I do.)
As with the first time this happened, I went back to check the entry in question, to see if I was, in fact, unfair to the individual in some way. And in this case, as in the last one, I clearly told the truth, then wrote how I felt about the truth. Simple as that.
So I’m not deleting a thing.
I received my first “Bahamavention” residual check from JS on Thursday.
Then on Thursday night, I got a bonus from ArcLight (One of the few decent “benefits” ArcLight offers is a “Care Bonus”, to anyone working a certain number of hours over a certain length of time).
And yesterday, I received a residual check I wasn’t expecting for Gilmore Girls.
So if we’re talking “feast or famine?” here, I’d say the pendulum has definitely swung to the “feast” side.
I feel “tacky” going on and on about money, but it’s hard for me to get over it; I’ve never made serious cash in my life, and now, between the “Bahamavention” spot and tomorrow’s Propel gig, I’m going to be making thousands of dollars for two days work.
I love it.
Even if it does raise a load of questions (Which will no doubt be the subject of future Diaryland entries).
But speaking of Propel, I’ve got a 7:00 a.m. call, and I’ll have to get there earlier than that if I want breakfast–which I do–so since I got the night off from ArcLight, I'm gong to try to hit the sack early.
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