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11:03 pm - Sat 1/20/07 Thurs 1/18/07 (4:33 p.m.) I�m starting to think I won�t be shooting the Propel spot today... But in honor of that glorious booking, I bought a bottle of Propel while shopping for groceries earlier this afternoon. And I have to say, it�s pretty darned refreshing :) A couple of things got �pushed off the front page� with the good news about Propel... Sat 1/20/07 (3:19 p.m.) (To continue...) For example, as of this past Monday, I�m giving therapy another shot, for the first time in I-don�t-know-how-long. I was very ambivalent about the whole thing�didn�t want to �waste my time�, didn�t want to spend the money, etc.�and was ready to bolt well into that first session. And that impulse to �bolt� was, if this makes any sense, one of the reasons I actually decided to do it. The impulse to run was way out-of-proportion to any �reason� to run (A $32 a month bill, �wasting� 50 minutes a week, etc). And that made me wonder exactly what it is I�m trying to avoid. After filling out some forms, and getting a little orientation by Javier (The therapist), I spent the rest of the time telling him all about the wonders of Jim�the childhood in foster care, the long-term lack of sex/romance, the frustration of a lifetime of crap jobs (And the attendant money woes), my acting aspirations (And the stresses and strains that�s entailed), the chronic loneliness/worry/depression I�ve experienced, and the interesting mix of fear and excitement I have about the future. (Regarding �the future�: It�s hard for me to express the range of feelings I�m having, over coming out here to make a dream come true...and having it perhaps be coming true as I speak. It�s about 90% thrilling, to be sure, but that leaves 10% of scariness and uncertainty��Is this really happening? And if it is, is it going to keep happening often enough to call it a career? And if it is, what�s life going to be like? I�ve been a failure all my life; what will it mean for me to finally be a success?�) I guess I think I�m a pretty complex psychological package, cause one reason I was resistant to trying therapy again was that I knew, at a walk-in clinic like this, that I�d likely be dealing with a psych grad student, half my age, with minimal �life experience�, who probably wouldn�t know much more psychology than I do (I also have �abandonment issues�; in the past, I�ve had to deal with the �revolving door� nature of places like this, when I�ve built up trust in someone, forged a relationship, then had to start all over again when they left for bigger and better things). And sure enough, Javier is a grad student (What can I say? I�ve gone down this road before). But I was impressed with his demeanor, with what he had to say, and with what he thought we could �work on� together. And basically��abandonment issues� aside--what could it hurt? I recently received an email from someone offended at how they were depicted in one of my Diaryland entries, who then �demanded� I delete the entry in question. It�s the second time that�s happened since I went online (And in both instances, the offending entry was written years ago). (Note to self: In the future, never use anyone�s full first and last names in an entry. Especially people who are so insecure they probably �Google� themselves daily...like I do.) As with the first time this happened, I went back to check the entry in question, to see if I was, in fact, unfair to the individual in some way. And in this case, as in the last one, I clearly told the truth, then wrote how I felt about the truth. Simple as that. So I�m not deleting a thing. (10:24 p.m.) I received my first �Bahamavention� residual check from JS on Thursday. Then on Thursday night, I got a bonus from ArcLight (One of the few decent �benefits� ArcLight offers is a �Care Bonus�, to anyone working a certain number of hours over a certain length of time). And yesterday, I received a residual check I wasn�t expecting for Gilmore Girls. So if we�re talking �feast or famine?� here, I�d say the pendulum has definitely swung to the �feast� side. I feel �tacky� going on and on about money, but it�s hard for me to get over it; I�ve never made serious cash in my life, and now, between the �Bahamavention� spot and tomorrow�s Propel gig, I�m going to be making thousands of dollars for two days work. I love it. Even if it does raise a load of questions (Which will no doubt be the subject of future Diaryland entries). But speaking of Propel, I�ve got a 7:00 a.m. call, and I�ll have to get there earlier than that if I want breakfast�which I do�so since I got the night off from ArcLight, I'm gong to try to hit the sack early. Nitey-nite...
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