1:52 am - Thurs 12/18/03
(I'm feeling like a number of things have been getting through my net in recent weeks. This is my effort to go back and scoop up at least a couple of those things.)
Some time back, after I'd written an entry about how afraid I was of this and that and the other thing, Jane wrote me an email; one of the things I was afraid of was that I didn't have the "juice" to make the acting thing happen, but there was nothing else for me to do, and Jane wrote, basically, that I could come back to Lansing (I could get a job at one of the two Schuler Books locations, there's actually more theatre being produced in town than when I was there, I have friends and well-wishers there, etc.).
She didn't say "Give up your acting aspirations and come back to Lansing", but emotionally, it hit me that way. It wasn't the reassurance I wanted. I felt, basically, like I was being given permission to fail (I was looking for sentiments more along the line of "You can do it, Tiger!").
(Before I get a half-dozen comments telling me to "Lay off Jane, why dontcha?", let me say this–I have recovered myself, I'm fine with Jane, and life is good. This is not a rip on Jane.)
After I wrote that entry, and after Jane's email, I had a bunch of auditions, and callbacks, and booked the Incubus video. And hope was revived--I have had some small successes out here, and if I can have small successes, there's no reason I can't have larger successes.
And now there's been nothing for the past couple weeks. In terms of commercial stuff, I think the year is pretty much over.
But whether I'm feeling discouraged because nothing's happening, or hopeful because I have a callback or booked a gig or whatever, I'm here for the duration. This is the one thing I can't give up on. I'm not going to go back to Lansing a failure. I'm not going back to the unsatisfying life I had, a life where the only thing that would be different is that I'd no longer have a dream.
As I told Jane in a subsequent email, as long as I'm physically able to go forward, I'm going forward.
After Thanksgiving, which I felt like I kind of screwed up, I was determined to handle Xmas differently.
So instead of waiting, I called Cary and Kay, assuming that they were probably going back to Michigan for Xmas–they are–to suggest a "post-Thanksgiving/pre-Xmas" gathering.
In the past, I've been uncomfortable with that sort of thing–My "Inner Child" knows that Xmas is Dec 25th, and not a week or two before–but my "Inner Adult" (I sort of have one now) knows I have to be realistic; the holidays are a busy time, and people have family obligations.
And I am not a "family obligation".
Anyway, I got together with them (And Kay's mom, Corinne, who's visiting) this past weekend, and we had a nice meal at Gordon Biersch (sp?) in North Hollywood.
It wasn't Xmas...but it was nice (Corinne, whom I've met before, is a "stitch", a "panic", and many other old-fashioned words meaning "Fun to hang out with").
When I wrote about Thanksgiving in here, some people suggested that one way to avoid the awkwardness of not knowing what I'm going to do for the holidays is to initiate something myself.
I thought it was a point well taken; I don't know that I'm going to ever be hosting any holiday potlucks at my chic K-town digs–though I wouldn't rule it out–but if I do want to have regular holiday "traditions", whatever they might be, it's really up to me to establish them for myself, and not spend the rest of my life as "The Poor Little Orphan Boy", hat in hand, waiting for someone to take pity on me.
But it turns out I am going to have something to do on Xmas; I recently asked John O. what he was doing for the holidays–whether he'd be "travelling" or not–and he's actually doing what people suggested I do, and hosting a get-together with friends (At a friend's borrowed apartment), and he invited me over (After a moment's pause–I was imagining me and a dozen gay men spending the day together–I realized I didn't have any particularly heterosexual plans for the day, and said "It sounds like fun. Count me in").
Some weeks back, I called Nick and Kyle, to see if they wanted to do a repeat of our I-Hop outing (We'd gone to the "fancy" I-Hop on Wilshire, a week or so before their son Ellison was born).
I had great fun–both times--and was happy with myself for making the overture, which is not something I've traditionally been very comfortable with (After they paid for me the first time, I paid for them this time. I'm thinking next time we can just go the "Dutch Treat" route).
Ellison slept through the outing, just stirring a bit as we were about to leave (I did see him with his eyes open a few weeks before, when Nick and Kyle popped into the store to pick up some insurance paperwork). It was pretty cute when he started to wake up, but had his cap pulled down over his eyes–he looked for all the world like a little baby hostage–but I still haven't gotten to play with him yet, which is really what I'm angling for here
I'm hoping we can make this at least a semi-regular experience.
Like with the holiday thing, I think I need to be more realistic about how things work–Get over my fear of rejection, and lose that lifelong expectation I've had that the world should come to me. I like Nick and Kyle, but realistically, they've got a lot on their plate right now, so if I want to maintain a connection, it's going to be mostly up to me.
I was thinking, some time back, about a purchase I made that I sort of regretted (I'm thinking specifically about buying the microphone and amp from Audra). It was something of a whim, and after the fact, I regretted it, feeling like the money could have been more sensibly spent.
But recently, it struck me that that purchase was spurred by completely positive impulses. And that impulse towards "expanding the possibilities", towards creativity and growth and all that kind of good stuff, is not really something I want to squash.
I think if something I'm considering doing, or buying, or whatever, comes from a place that is completely positive, and doesn't hurt anyone else, I should, whenever possible, give it a try. Not worry about the money–within reason–or the potential "waste of time", or anything like that.
Just give things a try. There's a good chance at least a few of those things will stick–Diaryland has, after all--and maybe life won't seem so pointless so much of the time.
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