9:50 AM - Thurs 3.14.19
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Well, after a very long day at LAX on Tuesday, Jane is back in Sante Fe, and I am back to my regular workaday life.

And I'm kinda bored.

And a little depressed.

And a touch anxious.

This would be an excellent time to have some auditions, since I both like that sort of thing, and actually need auditions in order to book gigs, to make money for food and rent and that sort of thing.

(As soon as Shameless finishes shooting for the year, I am immediately spending more than is coming in - I don't make enough at WW to pay rent, let alone anything else, and have no idea how much I'll make from residuals in any given year. And Shameless, the lions-share of my income for the past number of years, is closer to the end of its run than the beginning, so there's that to worry about - As anxious as I am when the Shameless money starts draining away, from the end of one season to the beginning of the next, how anxious will I be when there is no Shameless money? And no other acting jobs on the horizon?)

But it has been a dismal year thus far for acting, coming off a dismal 2018 (With few auditions, and no bookings) - four voiceover auditions, one commercial, and one (really shitty) theatrical, two-and-a-half months into the year, is not making me feel like a terribly hot commodity.

And it's hard for me not to worry/strongly suspect this is "the new normal" - Used to be I was just weird-looking and not "categorizable", but now I'm old and weird-looking and not "categorizable".(I didn't think "old" was going to happen as soon as it has...but here we are, "here" being Hollywood).

It's emotionally jarring to be feeling this "nobody wants me" depression and anxiety about acting, at the same time somebody finds me interesting enough to want to do a documentary about me.

The documentary, while not me "acting", does feel satisfying in what I see as some similar ways - I've got a "project" to think about, I'm a very meaningful part of its success, it involves me putting a great deal of myself into it, I'm enjoying the camaraderie of working together toward a common goal, and, with Jane R., I feel as if I've made a friend I will now have after the project is done.

But you don't get paid to be the subject of a documentary.

And the money matters - Not just in the practical, "I need money in order to buy goods and services" sense but in terms of identity. If it didn't, I would have stayed in Lansing, working at the bookstore and doing community theater at night.

But I wanted to be an "Actor".

And as much as I'm enjoying doing the documentary, I don't think there's a career in being a "Professional Documentary Subject".

I don't know exactly when we'll be getting together next on the documentary - Jane has some personal stuff to attend to in the interim that may impact that - but there's a fair amount left to shoot. There's at least another trip here to LA for Jane, at least another trip to Sante Fe for me (She wants to get me talking to - and playing music with - Wes Studi), a trip back to Lansing, and maybe a trip to West Virginia (Assuming I can get anyone there to talk to me. I've made an overture to Tony that has so far gotten no response, but I imagine Gregg might be up for it and he lives in nearby Virginia. And Brittany - A niece I have never met - seemed to perk up when Jane posted about our potential trip there).

We talked a little, when Jane was here, about film festivals - When the time comes, I think she would like me to attend as many as I can, and I would like to have the experience. But it's a pricey proposition, so she can't afford to get me to all of them and I know I won't be able to afford to go to all of them.

But that's a bridge to be crossed down the road - First, the film actually has to get done!

The other thing that feels strange to me about doing the documentary is that it feels like someone is "telling my story" at a time when my present-day "story" feels dead-in-the-water.

I'm "Acting Like Nothing Is Wrong" at a time when "acting" isn't happening at all.

And that is where things get weirdly "meta" - The big "story" in my life right now is that someone is telling my story (I.e. their "take" on my story).

And I'm hoping - In spite of telling myself not to hope for anything out of this experience beyond the pleasure of the experience itself - that the act of someone "telling my story" will actually get my "story" moving again.

I guess we'll see.

Till next time...

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