7:38 am - FRI 3/01/02
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten
Something I've been meaning to get to in here, but have forgottten up till now--Two people at work have told me I've been in dreams they've had.

In Devin's dream, I was helping him plan a party for someone, I forget who.

In Anthony's dream, I was a "General Zod"-like villian to his "Superman"-like hero ("General Zod" was the leader of the Kryptonian bad guys in "Superman II").

Of the two dreams, I find Anthony's the more plausible (Anthony was recently fired, btw, I think for not showing up). I mean, it's hard to imagine ME planning a party...!

Speaking of dreams...I was dreaming just before I woke up this morning. I don't remember anything about it, but it must have been prompted by Steve and Mary's travails trying to adopt Austin, the foster child they'd been taking care of, because I woke up thinking, "They'd rather give him to one half-assed biological parent than two people who really LOVE him..." (Steve and Mary recently lost their battle to keep Austin. The court awarded custody to the biological father, who apparently hasn't been the most "stand up guy" up to this point. It's a sad state of affairs in my mind, to say the very least).

_________________________________________________

My grad student never called me back.

It was "my bad", as the kids say. If I'd either not gotten online when I'd gotten home Tuesday nite, or else checked my voice mail right AFTER, this would probably have worked out. I think the guy lost patience with me, and to be honest, I don't BLAME him.

But I forgive myself. I'm going to see this as just another step along the way, and get from it what I can.

There's no point in being angry at myself for being scared and/or resistant to things getting shaken up. That's a pretty natural reaction to change. And getting angry isn't a SOLUTION; It's part of the PROBLEM. I keep doing it, and it keeps not WORKING. It's just keeping me DOWN.

Instead, my job is to keep building myself UP. Pat myself on the back when I do well, and forgive myself when I screw up. Be a good "inner parent". Be "my own best friend". All that kind of good, positive stuff.

I don't have the time or the energy to waste with beating the crap out of myself. I'm 40 years old, I've got a lot to do, and the clock is ticking.

And I'm tired of not FEELING good. I don't think there's any REASON I have to feel this bad all the time.

But anyway...

Here's a tally of what I did for "my career" last month:

1. Sent out fifteen headshots

2. Went out on the "Crossing the Line" audition

3. Read "Acting As A Business"

4. Got new headshots.

There were other little dribs and drabs of things, but that's essentially it.

Yesterday, Michael Lerner was back in the store, and after a moment or two of trepidation, I approached him for advice. "What would you do if you were me?"-kind of stuff (Michael Lerner is an older character actor. One of those people that you'd probably recognize, but not remember what you'd seen him in).

The first thing he said to me was, "Are you taking classes?".

I told him I WANTED to, knew it was important, but was having a hard time figuring out how to do it on my tiny retail budget (He gave me his brother Ken's number, who teaches classes. It's $200 a month--cheaper than some I've seen, more expensive than others--and told me to give him a call).

Beyond that, he kinda just brought up the things that I'm doing, or TRYING to do--Doing theater, trying to get student films, and sending my headshot out (While I was embarrassed to have to admit I'm not taking classes, I was pleased to be able to say I was doing a show).

I was happy with myself just for asking. I was very polite and deferential, and he was very gracious.

Speaking of acting...

At work on Wednesday night, while I was at main info with Graham--Who I really LIKE, btw--I was entertaining him at one point by ripping on the show I'm in. I told him about my "black" dialect (And how even THAT'S inconsistent), about how nothing HAPPENS in the show, about how I'm "doublecast" with an actor who is WAY more "right" for the role than I am, etc and so forth.

I was, I have to admit, pretty damned FUNNY. And Graham was cracking up, which was fun for me.

But afterwards, something popped into my mind--I'm not being very "professional" about this experience.

What I'm doing--and Lauren called me on this when we chatted recently--is trying to DISTANCE myself from the experience, as if to say, "I'm really ABOVE this inferior situation".

But the fact is, I auditioned for this, I agreed to do it, and no one has a gun to my head, forcing me to go through with it. I've made the decision to be involved, and that decision should include treating the project with as much respect as I can muster.

While it may not be the best show ever written, there's nothing really OBJECTIONABLE about it. Its "heart is in the right place", I guess you'd say.

And forgetting about what I owe to the show, or to the people involved in it, or what-have-you, I think I need to work on "being here now"; This is the thing I'm doing, and my job is to do the best I can with the materials at hand. If I do that, I can mark the show as a "personal success", no matter HOW it turns out.

_________________________________________________

The "loss prevention" position at work continues to be problematic...

For a time, there were three loss prevention people--AJ, Devin, and Anthony. Then Devin took Ryan's old position (Managing the back room), Anthony got fired, and Sid, who had been hired as a replacement, lasted all of one day before heading back to Idaho or Illinois or wherever he was from (We also had a person who was hired in the cafe quit after a day. Actually, it might not EVEN have been a day--I think she went to lunch that first day and never came BACK).

Anyway, and this may seem pretty NUTTY in light of my whining about the position when I had it, but I THOUGHT, for just a SECOND...about offering to jump back into the position.

But I didn't say anything to anyone, because nothing has CHANGED; In my mind, the ONLY thing that recommends the position is the pay bump (Which is $1-an-hour... though with their difficulty in keeping the position FILLED, I find myself wondering if one could negotiate for MORE). And what kind of an IDIOT would I look like, if I signed on for this duty AGAIN only to back OUT of it AGAIN?

But recently, without my saying anything about it, John O. approached ME, wondering if I had any interest in going back.

(I don't remember exactly what I said to him, but the jist of it was, "I'll get back to you on that...". )

It's an interesting, odd position for me to be in; It's a dumb job, easy enough to do, pays better than I'm making right now, and the higher ups want me to do it (In my own mind, there's nothing special I "bring to the table" here, except for one thing I've largely dismissed up till now--I SHOW UP).

But it "failed to satisfy" the first time around, and I don't see how that's going to change if I go back to it again (Unless they want to pay me $20 an hour, which I somehow don't see HAPPENING).

There's nothing else in the bookstore I want to DO. There just isn't. And I feel an ongoing CONFLICT about that--In general, is it more important for me to have a satisfying day-to-day life, or is that part of the SACRIFICE I need to make in order to make acting happen?--but there it is.

And this business about the grad school film has re-ignited the whole thing about Borders perhaps not being the best FIT for me, in terms of making acting happen ( As I said in my last entry, if I were working temp/extra jobs right now, there would have been no ISSUE with me auditioning for the guy Wednesday night. And speaking of "the guy", I have to express a little ANNOYANCE here; He said he'd gotten my headshot "a couple weeks ago", so what the hell is he doing contacting me the night before he wants to see me? I can't believe I'm the only actor in all of LA who's working a day job. But anyway...).

I need to work out my ticket thing, get wheels, renew my relationship with AppleOne and Cenex, perhaps sign up with a couple OTHER agencies as well, and rev up the sending out of headshots and auditioning and what-have-you.

I know what I need to do. I just have to get myself to DO it, in spite of the fear, the frustration, the obstacles, etc.

(Here's another bit of ANNOYANCE, regarding the "ticket thing"; I KNOW I'm not the first person who's ever sold a car to Gustavo. He undoubtedly knows the drill FAR better than I do, but he let me leave without taking the license plates off my car. I didn't think about that till just recently, but I'm pretty bothered by the fact that he didn't say anything, but just let me walk out.)

Other than the money thing--A BIG other, mind you--I've become fairly comfortable at Borders. People know me, I know them, I know I can do the work, and I know, barring some big screwup on my part, that my job is pretty secure (Though that said, it will be INTERESTING to see what happens when the new Barnes and Noble opens up, about half a mile or so down 3rd ST. To be honest, I kinda see a brand-spanking-new B&N kicking our disheveled ass up and down the block ).

But there's nowhere for me to go in the job. And needing to give a week-and-a-half notice whenever I need to do something, in order for there not to be a problem, is going to become a BIG "issue", I can FEEL it (The further along I get, the MORE conflicts that are going to arise). And I have to try and figure out a way to make ENOUGH money to fund "real life" and my acting career, and that's not going to happen with Borders, particularly if I don't want to do anything there but answer the phone, wait on customers, and shelve the occasional book.

And "comfort", no matter how small, no matter how tenuous, is a real TRAP. I know that already.

I thought this the other day--I keep being afraid of the amount of uncertainty in my life right now, and frozen by panic and fear, but what I really need to do in order to succeed out here is throw my life into even MORE uncertainty. If I don't DO anything different, nothing different is going to HAPPEN. That seems evident.

But can I DO it? Stay tuned...

previous - next