6:13 PM - 11.27.17
Doing Things Can Be FUN!

The last time I saw my Therapist - a week ago Tuesday - I said one of the biggest dilemmas I have these days ("These days" meaning "The past number of years") is I really don't want to do anything, but know I need to for anything to happen.

For the record, I'm not talking about things I have to do here...though let's be clear - I don't want to do those things either. I'm talking more along the lines of "fun" things that "get me out of the house". Things that might enrich my life and make it more enjoyable, but that require more expenditure of energy than staying home, playing on the Internet, and jerking off.

So in the past two weeks, I have "done things" - A week ago Tuesday, I saw a SAG screening of The Square, a week ago yesterday, I did some volunteer acting for the Young Storytellers "Big Show" at Bridges Academy in Studio City, on Saturday night I went to Antaeus Theatre to see Les Liasons Dangereuses with my friend Liz, this Tuesday I treated myself to a rare double-feature in Los Feliz (First Ladybird, then Thor: Ragnarok), and yesterday I did Thanksgiving in Santa Clarita with Cary and his family.

Mon 11/27/17 (9:20 pm)

(Hard to seriously contemplate being more active physically - To start some kind of weight-lifting regimen, for example - when I can hurt myself just turning my fucking head wrong, which happened about a half-hour ago. But anyway...)

Where was I...?

I'm prone to saying "I don't like doing things" (I joke about it, actually, as if it's an amusing personality quirk), but that's not strictly true - If I truly "didn't like doing things", I would be content living a life where I only do things I have to do. I could go to work/go on auditions/do acting jobs (Like Shameless), perform the minimum amount of tasks required to maintain myself, and hole up in my apartment the rest of the time.

Cause that's pretty what my life is...but I am dissatisfied with that state-of-affairs

I'm lonely. I'm bored. I struggle with a sense of having no "meaning" or "purpose" in life. I lack a feeling of connection with the world, and fear it's only going to get worse with age.

And while you could argue that some of those issues could be at least partially addressed within the confines of my apartment (ex. I talk to Mark and Jane on the phone on a weekly basis, I could conceivably pursue more fulfilling hobbies that would leave me feeling less bored, etc), to more fully engage with said issues, I would have to more fully engage with the world at large.

And I get that.

So I think what's more accurate than "I don't like doing things" is "I find not doing things way easier".

Because I'm always tired (And often depressed). So it always feels like it's gonna take more energy than I possess to go out and "do something".

Because I have a perpetually uncertain income (So spending money can make me feel stressed and guilty. That was driven home for me recently when I wrote - maybe in here, maybe in a text to a friend, I don't remember - that "I've survived in LA as long as I have, in part, because I don't go anywhere or do anything").

Because the process of going places and doing things in LA often sucks, because of distance and traffic (And even in an era of WAZE and Google Maps, I get stressed about getting to places I haven't been to before).

Because it's very disappointing when I either try to engage and can't make it happen (like when I call someone to have coffee or go to a movie and they can't do it), or I gear myself up to, say, go to a party, and have such a bad time I regret not just staying home.

But all the "doings" I listed earlier in the entry, while not of equal "value" or requiring the same expenditure of time, money, or energy, were better things to do than just staying home and doing nothing.

I enjoyed the movies I saw (And in some instances, I snuck in some exercise in getting there and/or get home), I had a good time with Liz at the theater (And got recognized on the street in Glendale by a family visiting from Colorado), and I had a great time with Cary and his family in Santa Clarita (I went in stressed about their decision to have Thanksgiving at a country-club buffet - after 8 years of working at Weight Watchers, I'm now ready to admit I have an "issue" with food - but overeating aside, on the way home I was struck once again by just how comfortable I am with Cary and his family. I don't feel "at home" most times, in most places, but I do with them).

Not sure what my big point is here ("Doing things can be FUN!"?) - I guess I just want to remind myself that overcoming my default inertia, as difficult as it is, can be a worthwhile endeavor.

Next up on the social calendar, at least as of this writing, will be a mixer hosted by my theatrical agency on the 8th (It's my very least-favorite kind-of-affair - a lot of awkward milling-about with strangers while I try not to over-eat - but it's something I should do, and it'll give me a chance to work on having these sort of things not feel so awkward).

(My neck and upper back still hurt...and I didn't fucking do anything...!)

Saw Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri this afternoon, which I thought was great.

I walked there and back, which put me over my 10,000 steps for the day (A daily goal I should get more serious about - Or as I told myself the other day, "Why do I have a fucking Fitbit if I'm not using it for anything but a wristwatch?).

Then, because I'd gotten in my steps and was tired - And have I mentioned I hurt my neck by simply turning my fucking head this morning? - I debated skipping Zumba in the evening.

But I decided to go, because I'm some kind of goddamn super-hero...and discovered that Thea wasn't there.

So after a few moments of indecision, I went back home, which made me feel more like a pussy than a super-hero...but on the other hand, walking to the movies and back, then to the Y and back, I logged more steps than I have on any one day in...I don't know how long, so I more than did my duty, in terms of exercise today.

(And because I am not a well person, I just got so frustrated over my neck and back pain, I started punching myself in the head...and if you're wondering, yes, that is a really stupid thing to do when your neck is already hurting. But looking on the bright side, at least I'll have something to talk with my therapist about tomorrow...)

As far as acting goes right now, I'm thinking it might be best for my mental health, such as it is, to assume the year is over, and be delightfully surprised if anything else happens, instead of continuing to hold out hope for "just one more gig..." before the end of the year.

Was thinking today how one downside of being an actor is that every good TV show or movie I watch will, at some point, leave me depressed over the fact that I'm not doing anything (And by "not doing anything", I don't just mean that I'm not working at the moment - I mean that I've been out here for 16-plus years now, and am still a bit player...albeit a bit player with a semi-regular gig on Shameless).

Well, I'm in a mood now, and if I continue, this won't be going anywhere good.

And it's almost time for bed anyway...

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