10:44 am - Thurs 8.15.2013
Does this count as "getting something done"...?
(The answer to that mostly rhetorical question is, in my mind, "kinda/sorta". But anyway...)
Clearly things could be worse - I could be a Morsi (Morsey?) supporter in Egypt, or a gay person in Russia - but that said, when it comes to issues of body and spirit, I'm continuing to have a (mostly) tough time of things.
(Okay - Just did the trash. So one "real thing" done.)
The big "stressor" is money - what else? - or to be more accurate, "the constant, grinding fear that I'm going to run out of money".
(I often think that, while money would not solve all my problems, there's no problem I have that it wouldn't help.)
At an audition yesterday for a new CBS sitcom, I heard two other actors talking about auditioning for co-star things (Like the thing we were auditioning for).
It was basically a discussion about whether or not they were at a point where they shouldn't be going out on co-star auditions; I think they'd had that discussion with their agents (Or their agents had had that discussion with them, I'm not sure), but nevertheless, there they were, at a co-star audition.
It shook down to a sentiment I'm very familiar with (In a nutshell, "I really want to move beyond co-star roles...but I also want to work/eat/pays bills/etc").
As for the audition itself - a one-line, one word co-star audition - it was tremendously depressing; the casting people were nice enough (It was an office I hadn't been to in a very long time), but it was one-and-done, and sadly, I wasn't at all happy with my "one".
(That's a strange thing I want to get past - It's very hard, in the room, in that situation, to say, "I wasn't happy with that. Can we do it one more time?", I guess because it doesn't feel like I'm in a position to ask. But you're always "in a position to ask" - You just have to be prepared to have them say "no".)
Afterward, I just felt the world crashing down on me, which suggests that how I was feeling was about more than just one shitty audition.
Part of it was that, after some mental debate, I'd decided to go home after working my first WW meeting (Laurie, the 2nd Receptionist that works with me on Wednesdays, worked the second meeting in my stead). I was worried about getting to the mid-afternoon audition in Hollywood on time if I was coming from the second meeting in Santa Monica (Particularly since I couldn't be sure when the meeting would wrap up - If you have new people, they have to have a "Powerstart" session with the leader after the meeting proper).
So I didn't just have a shitty audition for a tiny role - I had a shitty audition for a tiny role that cost me money.
(Not to mention I need to hit a certain threshold of hours to be "full-time" at WW, and get full-time benefits. So missing WW meetings for auditions has a little more potential "impact" on my situation than it used to - One thing I've had to remind myself recently is "You didn't come to LA to work at Weight Watchers, Jim". But it's a hard thing to say to yourself when it's your only "steady income" and not to mention your best shot at benefits like health insurance, paid vacations, paid holidays, a 401K, etc.)
(Just brought laundry up from the dryer, so two "real things" done today - They kind of don't "count", because they're things I have to do eventually anyway, but as I might say if I were playing a judge on tv, "I'll allow it.)
So, stress about money, not feeling like I'm "getting anywhere" in my career, worrying about the future (Because of the aforementioned worries about money and career), a general feeling of meaninglessness to much of my life, physically feeling like crap all the time...
I've got "a lot on my plate" right now.
Well this was fun...
I battled myself big-time not to drive to work this evening.
I really wanted to - I was tired, felt like crap, and I could even have given myself the excuse of "needing to get a few things at Ralphs on the way home" - but I did the virtuous thing, and rode my bike instead.
And got a flat tire on the way.
Luckily, I was only about three blocks or so from work, so it didn't really impact my getting there - I was only a few minutes late - just made getting home a comparative pain-in-the-ass (A long walk to the bus-stop, followed by a half-hour wait for the bus, followed by another walk from the bus stop to home).
When I'm feeling "off", and "off" things proceed to happen to me, I always wonder for a second, "Did I draw this thing to me?", but I think that's giving me and my emotions way too much power.
Fri 8/16/13 (10:43 am)
Want to wrap this up, because I want to get my bottles - which are starting to overwhelm my apartment - to the recycling place (Last night gave me the motivation to finally get that done, since it'll then give me the cash to get yesterday's flat tire replaced, and maybe buy a few groceries to boot.
I've strongly implied - if not stated outright - that "I'm not in a good place" right now.
But halfway through the month, I've had a callback and four auditions - Not a record-breaking pace, and no bookings yet, but as I often say when the auditions are happening, "I'm getting my chances" (And it's certainly better than when nothing's happening).
But beyond "acting stuff", there's also the fact that I am "dating someone".
That's pretty huge - I have spent decades alone, to the point where I just assumed that was how the rest of my life was going to go.
It's a big mental adjustment, and that brings up some anxiety all by itself, but we've both been out of the dating-and-relating game for a long time, so it seems like we're pretty "in-sync" in terms of slowly "feeling our way along" (Though at this point, I might be a little more prepared to just say "We're doing this" than she is).
But beyond the whole "putting a name to what we're doing" thing, and some of the nervousness involved in using "emotional muscles" I haven't used in a very long time, it's just been fun; she's smart and funny and attractive, and we laugh a lot when we're together.
That's not insignificant stuff.
One thing is kind of funny; it's pretty clear that each of us finds getting to the other to be annoying - She's in Santa Monica, while I'm in K-Town - because she's made a couple joking references to my moving to Santa Monica, and I know I've thought more than once how much easier it would be if she lived in Hollywood or Los Feliz or someplace like that.
But in the big scheme-of-things, that's a relatively minor inconvenience (Granted, a minor inconvenience that neither of us has had to deal with for years), when compared to the fun of meeting an attractive, like-minded person who's nice to spend time with.
Was in the middle of writing this, heating up some vegetables in the microwave, when I got a call from the lady herself.
We just got off the phone, after a long conversation about...well, in large part, about "Us".
I'm not going to give you the ins-and-outs here, but it's left me, as our long conversations about "Us" often do, feeling very uncertain about "the way forward", or if there really is "A way forward".
But as I was considering saying in here before, there's not really a "downside" in this situation, not really - As I've said, I like her, and she's fun to spend time with.
If we end up being "just friends", frankly, I'll be pretty disappointed, because she's the first person that's come into my life in years that's made me want more...but it won't be the-end-of-the-world (Though I do think it would be a shame if we "talked ourselves out of getting further involved" just in order to avoid potential anxiety or pain, or even just to maintain the status quo...though frankly, she seems more satisfied with her "status quo" than I do with mine).
Honestly, I was starting to sort of assume this was "going somewhere".
"And you know what you do when you 'assume'..."
But really, why does it have to "go somewhere"? What if it doesn't? What if it's just fun?
What if I don't "assume" anything here?
But anyway, now it's off to recycling...
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