Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

7:47 AM - Fri 11.20.15
The Universe Where I Don't Exist

The Universe Where I Don't Exist

A couple days ago, I had my first "time to stop hoping-for/obsessing-about auditions" thought of the season.

(Or as I posted on Twitter - "We're hitting that time of year - Where obsessively checking my phone for auditions is even more pointless than usual.")

I've said it often (Pretty much on a yearly basis, as I've already implied) - In terms of acting, "the year ends before it ends", and I'm never emotionally ready for it, even when I know it's coming (And this year might be especially tough, because much of the time, even when things were supposed to be happening, they weren't happening).

But while that end-of-the-year, business-slowing-to-a-dead-stop time is coming, it's not here yet - Yesterday morning, I got word I'm in the final Shameless of the season, and by mid-afternoon, had two commercial auditions scheduled for this afternoon.

I know in the "heat of the moment", after last Thursday's shoot, I said "If this is it for me this season, I'd be okay with that".

I was angry.

But of course, in time I snapped back to "I hope I'm in the last episode...". As I told my friend Mike M. when I got the news, having the season end for me when it ends for everyone else makes me feel more "a part of things" (Though unless "Kermit" has an exterior scene in the last episode, I won't be going to Chicago afterward).

But beyond just being upset last Thursday, I had the distinct feeling that - for better or worse - #10 was going to be "my big episode" for the season, and anything else would feel like an "afterthought"...but at this juncture, an "afterthought" where I get to do a fun bit of business or have a funny line or two is okay by me.

Besides, unlike most "afterthoughts", this one pays.

At the moment, the only residual effect of "The Shoot" is that the unhappy "twinge" I always feel when I look at myself naked in the mirror is decidedly more...pronounced (As I think "Jesus...! I showed this fucking mess to a roomful of women, and I'll be showing it to a whole lot more in a couple months? That just ain't right...").

But "life goes on"...

A possible "up side", beyond the huge surge of auditions and opportunities that undoubtedly awaits me once it's revealed just how "game" I am as an actor?

I'm down three pounds since my last weigh-in.

Granted, I haven't been to a meeting in a few weeks, but I guarantee that weight loss happened entirely since the shoot last week.

And yesterday evening, while walking around the neighborhood - significant all by itself - I did a tour of the local YMCA (Didn't realize I was going to do a "tour" - I popped-in just to get a flyer - but still, the Y's been there over a year now. So my deciding to "check it out" less than a week after the shoot? I'm thinking "not a coincidence").

So maybe all it takes to make me take better care of myself is a little public humiliation.

In which case, it might end up having totally been worth it.


Sat 11/21/15 (9:54 pm)

Just deleted everything I wrote last night, which was basically how, because I have all my emotional "eggs" in one acting "basket", a bad day with my career - be it auditioning, or actually working a job - can really bum me out, more than it really should.

I've had to tell myself that a lot lately - When it comes down to it, it's a job, and no one enjoys their job all the time.

(In other words, yesterday's commercial auditions, 1. were not much fun, and, 2. did not leave me feeling like anything had been accomplished.)

No one loves their job all the time.

I only want/need that because I've got nothing else.


Sun 11/22/15 (3:25 pm)

Started a couple new weekly routines about a month ago...

On Monday mornings, I've been reading for 1st graders. I enjoy it.

On the other hand, I'm not enjoying therapy on Tuesdays at noon, since, in the past couple weeks, it's become clear I'm going to feel significantly worse before I - maybe - feel any better.

But this week I'm not reading for the 1st graders, which I'm perfectly fine with, and I'm not going to therapy, which I'm quite upset about.

Life's funny that way.

As of now, the week ahead looks like it'll contain large swaths of free time, which are always (Okay, not "always", but often) a double-edged sword for me.

On the one hand, I'm tired all the time, and mostly don't feel like doing anything anyway. I often wish I didn't have to do even as much as I do, wishing I had the money to just keep myself fed and watered and pacified till the clock runs out (In this scenario, sometimes I only go out "when acting calls", but sometimes, it's about not having to do anything but "take care of myself", and I'm past needing to have acting "happen").

But on the other hand, I sometimes can't deal with the time-on-my-hands that already exists - given enough free time, my mind will always default to "the dark side" (And not in a cool, Star Wars-way).

Makes me wonder if there's any life-scenario that would basically satisfy me, let alone make me "happy".

That said, I still want to live, though I'm not sure why...

Maybe a week ago, I was on Facebook, and I read this post - I assumed it was anti-Christian, though it wasn't actually specific - that said, "I believe in an afterlife, because I can't imagine a Universe where I don't exist".

Something about this innocuous joke "turned a switch" in my head, because suddenly, a chill came over me, the hairs were standing up on my arms, and a terror swept over me, as if "the Universe where I don't exist" was about to commence.

When I eventually realized I wasn't going to die then-and-there, and was "myself" again, I thought, "Okay, so you're not going to kill yourself, and you really don't want to die - I guess that's good to know".

There's loads more on my mind, but I'm both tired and hungry, so it's off to the store - hoping the sale on Libbys canned pineapple is still in effect - then...I don't know what.

But, for now, I've got time to figure it out.


previous - next

0 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!