12:12 pm - Mon 11.29.2010
Really Wanted A Drama-Free Recovery

A short time ago, I was listening to a debate on religion between Tony Blair and Christopher Hitchens.

Typically, I enjoy watching Hitchens debate people on religion (He's pretty damned good at it), but this time, I stopped, mid-debate, and went about my business.

I realized I wasn't getting - and wasn't seeking out - any new information. I've read God Is Not Great, so I know Hitchens' views on religion, and it quickly became apparent Blair (A recent convert to Catholicism) was seriously out-of-his-depth debating the issue.

And I feel pretty comfortable with my own views on religion, making me realize that listening to yet another lopsided debate on the topic (Where my views "win") was really a waste of time.

This all struck me, in part, because I was already having a similar feeling about the book I'm currently reading (The posthumously-published George Carlin memoir Last Words).

I'm a Carlin fan, already know a great deal about him, certainly know why I enjoy his work, so at one point, I found myself wondering, "Why am I spending time reading about this guy?".

In other words, "What new information am I going to get out of this?".

Turns out, I have gotten some "new information" from the book - some biographical details I wasn't aware of, but more interestingly, an "inside view" of the ebb and flow of a very long creative career - but my nagging "Inner Voice" has a point; instead of just reinforcing what I already know, and what I already know I like, maybe I could/should spend at least some of my time exposing myself to new stuff.

Because you don't know what you can or can't "tolerate" until you're doing it...as I discovered yesterday when I decided I'd try to eat a couple hot dogs (Ouch!)

Still hurting, basically - the constant stiff neck has subsided (Though it return's at a moment's notice), and the sore throat is still pretty sore - more so than I would have hoped at this point - but I'm just taking Ibuprofen for it now (And I was starting to do that before I ran out of "the hard stuff").

It's still hard to swallow - I wouldn't want to eat in public at this point (It would be pretty gross for other people to hear me horking-up every mouthful for a second try on getting it down my throat) - but I'd say things are getting better, because I'm back to wrestling (a little) with impulse eating (Which suggests either my throat isn't that sore, or else I have a a serious "issue" with impulse eating).

I don't think we're at the point yet where I can pronounce the work a "success" or a "failure" - A week and a half after the surgery, things still feel very much "work-in-progress"-ish - but I am starting to have periods of time where I'm breathing fairly clearly through both nostrils (A pretty big thing for me), and while sleeping is as ragged as ever (If not more so), the fact that I'm not more exhausted than I am has me wondering if, when I do sleep, I'm sleeping more deeply.

Anyway...

I haven't had the most pleasant time since I last wrote...

Went to Group last night, and apparently I "talked too much" (Which wasn't something anyone told me would be a problem post-surgery); on the way home, I was gagging and retching, afraid I was going to throw up, spitting buckets of saliva, wondering if I was going to need to go to an emergency room to keep from choking to death on myself.

Today I had my Tuesday morning WW meeting, which was bigger than usual, because of the new program roll-out.

Again, I had to talk at some length, and my throat did not like it.

I called the Doctor's office, but there wasn't really much to do - I was at work (And had to go directly from work to an audition...which I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to do), and the Doctor was going to be in surgery in the afternoon.

(And tomorrow's the same deal, at least for me - two WW meetings, then another audition.)

And it's not just that talking at any length starts to make me cough and choke - My voice has felt very fragile and...undependable (i.e. I don't know if it's going to be there, the way I want it to be there, when I need it to be there).

Went to the audition, terrified I was going to lose it in the middle.

This was the one time I didn't want to have lines, so of course, I did. And we did at least four takes of the spot (I heard, and felt, things starting to go the last time - a fifth take would have been very embarrassing).

When I spoke to the Doctor about what's been going on, he brought up swelling, and also my acid reflux (Have I mentioned yet that I have acid reflux?). He told me to take two of the Omeprazole he'd prescribed me a day - instead of one - and to come in if I needed to).

It's all been very not fun. Very scary - Pretty tough going on an audition not knowing if you're going to start hacking in the middle of your line - and extremely frustrating; this was my biggest concern pre-surgery - having "vocal issues" of some kind - and here it is, coming to pass.

Hard not to be nervous about tomorrow, cause I'm going to have exactly the same "stressors" I had today (Actually, it'll be worse - I've got two WW meetings before my audition. Though at least this time I have a little time between the meetings and audition).

And the breakdown (where you get the details of the audition) had attachments for the lyrics and video for the Elton John song "Tiny Dancer"

(If this is the one-in-a-million time I'm going to be required to sing for an audition, and it ends up being the one-in-a-million time singing is the last thing I want to do, I'm going to lose my fucking shit - Hard not to feel cursed if my luck runs that bad tomorrow)

Well, I've gotta go to bed...It promises to be an interesting day tomorrow, and I supposed I ought to try and be awake for it.

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