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12:33 am - Tues 10/25/05 (I wrote this first bit a week ago Tuesday) My biological mother is an alcoholic. Her father�my grandfather--was also an alcoholic (After he ran off, my mother spent most of her childhood living with her grandparents). I didn�t know any of this growing up. I found out when I wrote the West Virginia Dept. Of Welfare, as an adult, some years back. Of course, when you find out that your mother is an alcoholic, and her father�your grandfather--was an alcoholic as well, it makes you wonder a bit about your own drinking history. The last time I got drunk was sometime back in the mid-90s (At a Halloween party, so we�re nearing some kind of anniversary here). I got loaded, had to be driven home by Mark N.-which I don�t remember-and passed out on my bathroom floor (I think I told someone once that I woke up in the bathtub, but I was actually wedged in between the bathtub and the toilet). Off the top of my head, I can�t remember the last time I drank (Maybe at Jane�s daughter Emily�s wedding...?). I never officially �resolved� to stop drinking (I�m sure if I had, I�d have a drink in my hand as I�m writing this--I�m not particularly good at �resolutions�). I just stopped. What happened, basically, was that the price of drinking, compared to whatever �reward� it offered, just became too high. There were too many drunken episodes where I regretted something I said or did, if I could even remember it, and advancing age and obstructive sleep apnea made hangovers less and less fun to deal with (Many mornings, I feel �hung over� anyway, without having had a drop, so I can hardly imagine what a real hangover would feel like these days). I don�t know if I�m an alcoholic or not. I never drank on a regular basis (Well actually I did for a time�After things ended with Beth II, I started going to The Green Door every Saturday night), drinking didn�t always mean drinking to excess, and it didn�t seem very hard for me to stop (I think in large part because drinking was usually a social thing with me, and I stopped having a social life, by and large, sometime in the mid-90s). But on the other hand, I had �blackouts� on more than one occasion, I drank to excess on a number of occasions, and maybe most tellingly, I sometimes drank to deal with my feelings (Or to be more accurate, to not deal with my feelings). I don�t know if I�m an alcoholic or not. But sometimes�not often, but sometimes--I really want to drink. And the reason I want to drink is why I ultimately stopped drinking�On some level, I want an excuse to lose my mind. I don�t know if I�m an alcoholic or not. But I could be. Thurs 10/13/05 (11:27 p.m.) Well, it wasn�t exactly a barn-burner of a �weekend��No commercial auditions, no casting workshops, no social engagements (I called John O. in the latter part of the morning to see if he wanted to have lunch, but he wasn�t home), and I didn�t even go to a movie�but I submitted myself for three things off of L.A. Casting and for an extra role on �Crossing Jordan� (off the Central Casting phone line), I signed off on Kay�s card design (It�s very nice. As I told her in an email, �It almost fooled ME into thinking I was a professional!�), I took a very long walk today, and maybe most importantly, I called a sleep specialist in Pasadena, and have an appointment for next Wednesday morning. I think I did myself a disservice in here recently by suggesting I�ve only made a token effort to help myself, regarding my sleep problem--Obviously, I haven�t done enough, because the problem isn�t solved, but it�s not like I tried the CPAP for one night, decided it wasn�t working for me, and threw it in the garbage. I�ve got to watch not giving myself enough credit in here. All you know, basically��You� being anyone reading this�is what I tell you. And while it�s okay for me to rip on myself for not doing enough regarding...whatever it is I�m not doing enough about, I�m not really nuts about other people performing that function. Fri 10/14/05 (12:04 p.m.) (I know I've already written about Tim F., but this is an earlier draft--I think--and I thought it was interesting enough to stick in here.) Recently, I've been emailing back-and-forth with Tim F., a friend from high school. Actually, we didn't make it all the way through high school; our friendship flamed out a couple years in, and while I've always taken responsibility for that--I remembered the problem being my jealousy when he started dating Tammy P.--It seems Tim's memories of those times are not nearly as vague as mine (My memory, or lack of memory, makes it seem like I went through most of high school in a "fugue state"). In Tim's emails, he paints the portrait of a chronically depressed, emotionally needy basket-case, constantly needing comforting and reassurance to shore up his low self-esteem, and prone to scary fits of rage in the bargain. I "wore him down". He became "fed up". Eventually, he'd "had enough". And what he remembers as "the final straw" was how I flipped out over the casting of Death Of A Salesman (A play that ended up not getting produced, because the director--the Vice-Principal--left school under a cloud of financial scandal); Apparently, the role was double-cast, I wanted "Willy Loman" all to myself, and as Tim put it, I had a "fit". What do I remember of this? I remember we were going to do Death Of A Saleman, and I remember being cast in the lead. That's it. (I can �piece together� what must have been my problem: I remember feeling a rivalry--at least it was a rivalry on my end--with Keith H., who wasn�t anyway near as good an actor as I was, but who came from a wealthy family, was better looking, and more popular than me. And I�m guessing he must have been the other �Willy Loman�, and I didn�t like that too much�but I really don�t remember it.) Tim remembers another charming aspect of my behavior around that time�Apparently, I liked to throw things, sometimes at people. Again, I didn�t remember that, but spurred by his recollection, I vaguely remembered one such �episode�... I was somewhere�I don�t remember where--with Tim and Tammy. Tammy was in his lap, and either something was said that I didn�t like, or else I was just annoyed that they were together and I was �out in the cold�, and I threw a book at them (I think I hit Tammy in the head). That�s the only �throwing things� episode I remember�I don�t remember what, if any, repercussions there were, oddly enough--and it�s pretty unappetizing to remember it even now. But I have to assume that if I thought that was a reasonable way to deal with my anger/jealousy/whatever-it-was-I-was-feeling-at-the-time, I probably didn�t confine myself to one such �episode�. Not too pretty, is it? (But in my own defense, it's been years since I threw anything at anybody.) Weds 10/19/05 (7:01 p.m.) Went to the sleep specialist in Pasadena today. I guess I was disappointed in how things went, because as I drove away, I had a very hard time not bursting into tears. I was actually getting excited yesterday�I�ve never gone to a �sleep specialist� before (Just two garden-variety �throat doctors�), and was apparently hoping for some �magic bullet� that would instantly solve all my problems�but when I was there, I felt rushed, and in spite of myself, cowed by the fact he was (Cue impressive music here) an �expert�. And when he said I�d need another sleep test (Which I�ve done twice before), it almost cued �angry jim� to say �I already know I have sleep apnea, asshole! Just fix it, already!�. But my unhappiness aside, he said that CPAPs are better than they used to be (And he mentioned the possibility of a Bi-Pap as well: CPAP stands for �continuous positive airway pressure�, but a Bi-Pap actually adjusts the pressure as you inhale and exhale), and he brought up something the two previous doctors never did, which was the possibility of a dental �appliance� (I think it would be great if I were a candidate for that. Though when I�ve read about it, it seems most insurance companies think of it as a �cure for snoring� and not a treatment for sleep apnea, and won�t pay for it). I was very confused about the set-up there�The doctor told me to go upstairs, where what I guess is a different company schedules sleep tests and sells CPAP stuff, and if they didn�t accept my insurance, to come back down, and he�d arrange for me to do the test at Huntington Hospital, where he apparently works�and it turned out the other place didn�t accept my insurance, so I went back downstairs, and was told that �someone will call you to schedule an appointment�. (My appointment was at 9:30 this morning. No one called me today.) I think part of what left me feeling so deflated afterwards was seeing that, between my $150 deductible and $25 co-pay on doctor visits, I�ll be out $200 by the time I�m done with my follow-up visit. After that, hopefully, my insurance will pay 90% (90% of what, I don�t know. And that�s assuming anything the doctor prescribes will pass muster as �a treatment for sleep apnea�, which is covered by insurance, and not just as �a cure for snoring�, which is not. I�m not sure I understand the difference; I guess maybe sleep apnea sufferers snore, but not everyone who snores has sleep apnea. Otherwise, I don�t get it). In any case, I have to give it another try. And not just �give it another try��I have to try and try and keep trying until I can get some fucking sleep. And if the first thing doesn�t work, I have to bug this doctor till we find something that does work. And if I don�t have any money, if insurance doesn�t cover it...well, that�s what credit cards are for. I have to work this out. It�s not overstating things to say this is killing me. And I don�t want to be killed.
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