4:05 pm - Thurs 3/11/04
Dysfunction Junction

(Watching the "commentary" for Terminator 3...)

Mark and Jane left for New Zealand last night.

Once again, I realized there's no point in getting stressed about things, because the thing you're stressing about probably won't happen, while you'll inevitably be blindsided by something you didn't see coming.

(It's happened to me over and over again, but I still just can't get over my need to fret.)

What I mean is that I wasn't looking forward to driving them to the airport last night, because I thought I'd have a really hard time finding someplace to park on my way back. But that didn't end up being much of a problem (I found a place to park fairly quickly, about four blocks down from my apartment).

The bigger issue was negotiating rush-hour traffic on the freeway. I don't often have to deal with rush hour, and I very rarely drive at night anymore, and here I was, doing both, while being concerned with getting them to the airport on time (All that said, we ended up getting there only six minutes late--Not a big deal, really, since their actual departure from LAX wasn't for hours).

I enjoyed having Mark and Jane here, because they're basically my family, but at the same time, having them here seemed to stir up some unhappy feelings as well.

It was nothing Mark and Jane did or didn't do--They were great--but rather, the way I feel about myself, and how I wish I could entertain people who come visit me here.

Basically, I felt upset and even angry about my poverty--I wanted to play "Tour Guide", but really couldn't, because I haven't seen much or been anyplace in my three years out here (I basically go to and from work, to and from auditions, and to and from the movies. That's pretty much all the "To and from"-ing I do out here).

And it would have been nice to be the "Big Spender", and pay for everything while they were here. But not only could I not pay for everything, they actually had to pay for me most of the time (I paid for the House of Pies. They paid for everything else).

Poor, impoverished me...

But I got to see them (And likewise, they got to see me). And that's the most important thing.

And they saved on a hotel.

I'm feeling kind of blue today.

Realizing that Mark and Jane are now going to be essentially incommunicado for the next couple weeks is a little depressing (They can't go on vacation or be unavailable in any way, cause after all, it's all about me here).

And for some reason, my excitement has curdled regarding the commercial "on avails" that are still, as of Tuesday, "outstanding".

A couple days back, I referred to myself as being "overstimulated" (I think I specifically referred to myself as "an overstimulated child").

I don't know if that's exactly what's going on, but I do know that I'm having a really hard time being on pins and needles (On the Nordea thing, it's been weeks now). I'm having a hard time dealing with my own rising and falling hopes, and the uncertainty of whether a gig will come of any of these "on avails". I'm getting so close, and I just want to actually get something.

I want someone to make a @#!! decision!

So basically, I'm unhappy because friends came to visit, and because so far this year, I've gotten commercial callbacks and "on avails" up the wazoo.

Your "normal" type might actually find those happy, exciting events. A sign that 1)People care about them, and 2)They're making progress in their career.

But as we've already determined, I am not "normal".

I seem to be able to find unhappiness just about anywhere I care to look...

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