11:08 PM - 08.01.14
Exercise Tip: Epic Walks SUCK

Tues 7/29/14 (7:15 am)

(Listening to my friend Howard, being interviewed online about his work as a screenplay reader�)

Lately I seem to be thinking a lot about what other people think about my journal.

It got back to me recently that someone, reading my last entry about my trip back to Lansing, was a little grossed-out that I joked about �getting laid� (Specifically, I joked about wanting to �get laid�, but it not happening�just like every other time I�ve gone back to Lansing). Which lends validity to my belief that no one wants to think about me having sex, or even desiring sex (And believe me, I kind of understand that).

More recently, when I wrote my last entry (About being recognized by the bus driver, and being �pinned� for an episode of Shameless), a friend on Facebook, noting the �positive� nature of the entry, basically made the old �Who are you, and what have you done with Jim?� joke, suggesting my entries are generally �depressing� or �negative� in tone.

I don�t have a very big �readership�, and I don�t get direct feedback to what I write very often, but comments like the aforementioned really make me keenly feel the tension between my desire to be �honest� and my desire to please people.

Then I remember: This is my journal.

It�s not a novel, or a comic essay, or what-have-you. If I just want to �entertain� people, and be liked for it, then I should stick with acting, and/or work on writing things outside of Diaryland.

My journal is my journal; I hope there�s stuff there of interest to people - otherwise, why bother? - and I hope I write it well, but if I want to write about my desire for/anxieties about sex, or just be the depressed/anxious person I am much of the time, or anything else, well, that�s the way it�s gotta be.

(A few times, I have, half-jokingly, posted a little �Parental Advisory� beforehand, when I thought I might be venturing into territory not everyone would be comfortable with. I was thinking, after these recent comments, that I should maybe make that a regular �thing�, but another part of me thought, �Just write what you want to write Jim � while making sure to maintain �plausible deniability� � and let the chips fall where they may�.)

Thurs 7/31/14 (3:02 am)

Got a call from my agent earlier (I kind of have two theatrical agents now, but in the interest of simplicity, unless it�s important to specify, I�m going to make the two of them a singular entity) � Shameless called, and invited me to the table read on Monday.

That�s fun on a couple levels; it�s nice to just have something to do (And I particularly like this �something to do�; it�s cool seeing other actors on the show I don�t typically work with�and to have them seeing me), it further confirms the gig is actually happening, and it at least suggests I�ll have something relatively substantive to do in the episode.

(The last time I was invited to a table read � which I believe was also the first time I was invited to a table read � was last year, for the episode where I officiated Frank and Sheila�s �wedding�. So I�m hoping the same thing will apply this time out, and I�ve got something particularly good to do, because that�s both more fun, and more lucrative, since that means �guest star� billing.)

Today�s happy news went some way toward getting the bad taste of yesterday out of my mouth�

My car died on the freeway, on the way to work (My water pump had crapped out, which then somehow damaged my recently-replaced radiator), so instead of working and making at least a little money, the day ended up �costing� probably around $250, between the water-pump and missing work.

I was pretty bummed about the whole thing (have I mentioned, in the past few minutes or so, how stressed I am about money?), but by the same token, I�ve noticed I �bounce back� fairly quickly when it�s �something that just has to happen� � I can�t not have a car, after all � and it�s not too big a bite on the credit card (Though it would be nice if I could pay my fucking credit cards off at some point, and not be doing this �one step forward, two steps back� dance of trying to pay the cards off, then getting hit with another car repair bill every other month or so).

Fri 8/1/14 (10:25 pm)

I was very frustrated with myself earlier today, for pretty much the same reason I�m frustrated with myself every day where I�m not working and have no specific plans � I couldn�t get myself to do anything �productive� (At one point, I just wanted to figure out some way to get myself out of the house, and was struggling even with that.

Finally, I did figure out something �productive� to do that would �get me out of the house� � I would walk to the credit union and deposit the couple of small residual checks I�d meant to deposit on Tuesday (The �walking� part is important because I am getting less and less exercise these days, as I continue to do as little as possible because I�m so tired all the time).

Gotta be honest � It really sucked (I thought it was �maybe two miles�, one-way, but it�s actually closer to three-and-a-half). But I did it, and I didn�t die, so��yay!�.

It was the second time I�ve had an epic walk this week � �epic� for me, anyway � since I walked home from the mechanic, then back to pick the car up, on Wednesday. And it make me realize something � I have a tendency to not-do-a-given-thing (clean my house, practice an instrument, walk places, etc) for a very long time, then be surprised and unhappy when I finally do-the-thing, and find it tremendously hard.

Cause I�m an idiot.

But the thing got done (Oh, and this was nice � right before I left, I checked my mail, and there were a bunch of little Shameless residual checks in my box, so they ended up going along for the ride), and I got some exercise, quite a bit more than I was comfortable with, really (Why did I not ride my bike, you wonder? Partly because I don�t think �riding my bike� is sufficient exercise, and � if I�m honest � partly because I wanted to punish myself for how �lazy� I�ve been for�a long time now).

So as George Bush Jr once famously said, �Mission Accomplished�

And on the way home, I checked my email, and saw that, 1) They�d sent my Shameless script (I�m in two scenes, which is very cool), and, 2) I have a commercial audition for GE tomorrow � On a Saturday, which is pretty unusual.

So, in the face of an upcoming Shameless shoot, and a shot at a national commercial, angst-ridden worries about my future, existential crises, etc, are temporarily on the back-burner (I keep telling myself �You can�t live or die on what is or isn�t happening with acting��but nevertheless, here we are).

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