11:08 PM - 08.01.14
Tues 7/29/14 (7:15 am)
Lately I seem to be thinking a lot about what other people think about my journal.
It got back to me recently that someone, reading my last entry about my trip back to Lansing, was a little grossed-out that I joked about “getting laid” (Specifically, I joked about wanting to “get laid”, but it not happening…just like every other time I’ve gone back to Lansing). Which lends validity to my belief that no one wants to think about me having sex, or even desiring sex (And believe me, I kind of understand that).
More recently, when I wrote my last entry (About being recognized by the bus driver, and being “pinned” for an episode of Shameless), a friend on Facebook, noting the “positive” nature of the entry, basically made the old “Who are you, and what have you done with Jim?” joke, suggesting my entries are generally “depressing” or “negative” in tone.
I don’t have a very big “readership”, and I don’t get direct feedback to what I write very often, but comments like the aforementioned really make me keenly feel the tension between my desire to be “honest” and my desire to please people.
Then I remember: This is my journal.
It’s not a novel, or a comic essay, or what-have-you. If I just want to “entertain” people, and be liked for it, then I should stick with acting, and/or work on writing things outside of Diaryland.
My journal is my journal; I hope there’s stuff there of interest to people - otherwise, why bother? - and I hope I write it well, but if I want to write about my desire for/anxieties about sex, or just be the depressed/anxious person I am much of the time, or anything else, well, that’s the way it’s gotta be.
(A few times, I have, half-jokingly, posted a little “Parental Advisory” beforehand, when I thought I might be venturing into territory not everyone would be comfortable with. I was thinking, after these recent comments, that I should maybe make that a regular “thing”, but another part of me thought, “Just write what you want to write Jim – while making sure to maintain ‘plausible deniability’ – and let the chips fall where they may”.)
Thurs 7/31/14 (3:02 am)
Got a call from my agent earlier (I kind of have two theatrical agents now, but in the interest of simplicity, unless it’s important to specify, I’m going to make the two of them a singular entity) – Shameless called, and invited me to the table read on Monday.
That’s fun on a couple levels; it’s nice to just have something to do (And I particularly like this “something to do”; it’s cool seeing other actors on the show I don’t typically work with…and to have them seeing me), it further confirms the gig is actually happening, and it at least suggests I’ll have something relatively substantive to do in the episode.
(The last time I was invited to a table read – which I believe was also the first time I was invited to a table read – was last year, for the episode where I officiated Frank and Sheila’s “wedding”. So I’m hoping the same thing will apply this time out, and I’ve got something particularly good to do, because that’s both more fun, and more lucrative, since that means “guest star” billing.)
Today’s happy news went some way toward getting the bad taste of yesterday out of my mouth…
My car died on the freeway, on the way to work (My water pump had crapped out, which then somehow damaged my recently-replaced radiator), so instead of working and making at least a little money, the day ended up “costing” probably around $250, between the water-pump and missing work.
I was pretty bummed about the whole thing (have I mentioned, in the past few minutes or so, how stressed I am about money?), but by the same token, I’ve noticed I “bounce back” fairly quickly when it’s “something that just has to happen” – I can’t not have a car, after all – and it’s not too big a bite on the credit card (Though it would be nice if I could pay my fucking credit cards off at some point, and not be doing this “one step forward, two steps back” dance of trying to pay the cards off, then getting hit with another car repair bill every other month or so).
Fri 8/1/14 (10:25 pm)
I was very frustrated with myself earlier today, for pretty much the same reason I’m frustrated with myself every day where I’m not working and have no specific plans – I couldn’t get myself to do anything “productive” (At one point, I just wanted to figure out some way to get myself out of the house, and was struggling even with that.
Finally, I did figure out something “productive” to do that would “get me out of the house” – I would walk to the credit union and deposit the couple of small residual checks I’d meant to deposit on Tuesday (The “walking” part is important because I am getting less and less exercise these days, as I continue to do as little as possible because I’m so tired all the time).
Gotta be honest – It really sucked (I thought it was “maybe two miles”, one-way, but it’s actually closer to three-and-a-half). But I did it, and I didn’t die, so…”yay!”.
It was the second time I’ve had an epic walk this week – “epic” for me, anyway – since I walked home from the mechanic, then back to pick the car up, on Wednesday. And it make me realize something – I have a tendency to not-do-a-given-thing (clean my house, practice an instrument, walk places, etc) for a very long time, then be surprised and unhappy when I finally do-the-thing, and find it tremendously hard.
Cause I’m an idiot.
But the thing got done (Oh, and this was nice – right before I left, I checked my mail, and there were a bunch of little Shameless residual checks in my box, so they ended up going along for the ride), and I got some exercise, quite a bit more than I was comfortable with, really (Why did I not ride my bike, you wonder? Partly because I don’t think “riding my bike” is sufficient exercise, and – if I’m honest – partly because I wanted to punish myself for how “lazy” I’ve been for…a long time now).
So as George Bush Jr once famously said, “Mission Accomplished”
And on the way home, I checked my email, and saw that, 1) They’d sent my Shameless script (I’m in two scenes, which is very cool), and, 2) I have a commercial audition for GE tomorrow – On a Saturday, which is pretty unusual.
So, in the face of an upcoming Shameless shoot, and a shot at a national commercial, angst-ridden worries about my future, existential crises, etc, are temporarily on the back-burner (I keep telling myself “You can’t live or die on what is or isn’t happening with acting”…but nevertheless, here we are).
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