10:06 AM - Sun 6.07.20
And I have indeed struggled with it, partly because of NYPD Blue (A show I used to watch regularly "back in the day") - they run four episodes back-to-back on the H&I channel every weeknight starting at 1:00 a.m.- and partly because, once unemployment got squared away, what now constitutes "working" has felt a little vague.
As I've said before, while applying for unemployment "pushed some buttons" - "buttons" of anxiety, frustration, and low self-esteem -, I was highly motivated to get it done. And it felt fairly straightforward - In a sense, I was simply exchanging one money-making activity (Working at Weight Watchers) for another (Applying for Unemployment).
But now nothing I do leads to money - at least not directly - so that rather powerful motivator goes away.
In a post-Weight Watchers world, (eventually) a post-Shameless world, and (hopefully) a post day-job world, where I'll be looking to make income off who I am and what I can do creatively (both with acting and beyond), the effort to try new things (ex podcasting), to work on my talents, and to promote myself online are all potential "money-making activities"
(And I don't want to focus on this - because I'm looking at more "active" pursuits here - but even things like reading and - to a much lesser extent - watching TV and being online could be "money-making activities", in a roundabout way, if I funnel them into things to write and/or podcast about online. But again, not the focus here.)
But beyond the - admittedly important - goal of figuring out what I might do to earn a more meaningful and enjoyable living, I think I'm just better off if I am more "actively engaged" with myself emotionally/mentally/creatively (And probably physically - But that last bit also feels like "not the focus" of this entry. Let's just say "Getting exercise in some way I will enjoy and stick with" is part of the picture).).
It's not going to be easy - I struggle with a great deal of lethargy (Largely, though not entirely, sleep-apnea based), along with a crazily low tolerance for frustration, and an unhealthy fear of failure - but I really feel there will be rewards for the effort, both practical and emotional.
So, I'm working on making money "at some point" doing something (or things, plural) that I enjoy...but I'm also just..working on myself.
I don't like the person I've been for quite a while now - physically, mentally, or creatively - and it's occurred to me (As it seems to have for many people) that the pandemic we've been going through, while terrible, has also provided an opportunity for growth.
Ditto for being fired by Weight Watchers - It didn't feel good (Still doesn't, really), but with unemployment (And, hopefully, the last season of Shameless) I've now got the opportunity to see, "Given a lot of time-on-my-hands,what positive changes can I make in my life?".
I'd like to spend whatever productive years I have left doing things that feel worth doing.
And feeling good about myself.
And whenever I consider what it would take to "feel good about myself", "self-actualization" always seems to be front-and-center.
It kind of boils down to "Doing a better job of doing my best" (And "doing my best" means more than what I'm writing about here - it doesn't really address "loving other people", for instance. Or "loving myself" for that matter) but I'm particularly focused on having been "given enough time", particularly in the current set-of-circumstances, to actively, fully pursue my interests and talents).
I just think I'm really going to regret it if, at some point, I have to say, "Well, I had ___ months where I had nothing but time to myself...and I didn't do shit with it".
And I don't want that regret.
I have enough regrets.
Till next time...
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