2:48 PM - 08.28.17
What I'll Do With The Big Series-Regular Money

Having a hard time starting...

(1,2,3...GO!)

When I fantasize about having money these days, and I do a lot, it's mostly a fantasy of relief from anxiety - I'm afraid of homelessness, hunger, (lack of) healthcare, and probably a couple other H-words I can't think of at the moment.

It would be comforting to be able to say "I have enough money that I don't have to worry - I'm always going to be able to take care of myself". Because right now, I am profoundly un-comfortable when I think about my future.

After that is the simple desire "to have more" - nice things, fun toys, things that might make life more pleasant somehow - and "to do more" (To travel, see more movies/plays/concerts, get high more - more on that in a bit - etc).

(Even though I mentioned it first, over the years the desire "to do more" has overtaken the desire "to have more" - I realized some years back that I generally have everything I need and more. So while I still think it might be fun to have this thing or that, I generally think it would be more meaningful, in terms of being happier, to have more experiences rather than more stuff.

Bringing up the rear when I fantasize about having a lot of money is a wish to be more generous, to be able to give away money without fear (I made a donation to a Houston charity this morning, in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, and it feels terrible to admit it, but I was really uncomfortable giving up the money, because there's a real fear that "I might need that $50 down the road...").

So I'd like to have money to donate (in a more generous and open-hearted way)...but beyond that, I'd love to have enough money to be just really generous in general - I think it would be fun to "pick up the check" a lot, to not feel stymied-to-the-point of giving up on buying people presents (Because everyone I know has money money than I do), to be unexpectedly generous just because it can make someone's day.

I'm embarrassed to admit that "Being generous" is 3rd on my list of "Reasons being rich would be cool", but here's my dirty little secret - it didn't used to be on the list at all.

So "Yay!" for my having grown a (slightly) more generous heart over the years.

I joke a lot these days that my success would benefit America, because "I'd hire people to do all the shit I don't like to do"...but joking aside, there's a great appeal to the idea that my having money - after attending to my fairly modest needs and desires - could make people's lives better, in ways large and small.

I'd like to have a house with a dance studio, with full-length mirrors and a wooden floor.

In the movies White Nights and Taps, there are dance sequences where Hines is "working out" by doing this very physical, energetic tapping.

While Hines was a great dancer and looked amazing doing it, while I'm me and would look a lot more ungainly and comical, it's struck me at various points over the years that, while I haven't thought of myself as a "physical person", I have always liked to dance, have some talent for it, and don't find that type of physical activity totally unappealing.

As exercise, as therapy, as creative expression, even as maintenance of "a secret weapon" (It hasn't done much for me to date, but I still imagine getting some career play from being an old guy who can dance), I think it would be cool to have a dance studio all to myself, where I could play any music I want and move however I want, for as long as I want.

If nothing else, it would just be interesting to see what I have...and what I could have if I worked at it.

And I'm on for #809, a week or so after.

#808 is just a line - albeit a funny line - which is the least I've gotten to do in an episode so far this season.

But...

This is the longest run of episodes I've ever had.

It's another day on the set, which is never really a bad thing (Craft-service temptations notwithstanding).

And it's me getting paid (which is also never a bad thing).

And I've got #809 to look forward to, and maybe one or two more before we're all done for the season.

(Speaking of which, I know it's premature, but with five episodes of the show left, I'm already feeling some alarm over how fast the shooting season is flying by.)

And I've really liked it.

Really liked it.

I've never done it on a regular basis (I've rarely even paid for it, to be honest), but because of the position I'm currently in - where I live and who I know - it's emerging as a "recreational activity" I could do on a regular basis, if I wanted.

So do I want to?

And the answer is yes, yes I do.

But...

In a world where the rent goes up every year, where there's always someone who wants more money from me no matter how my income ebbs and flows, where I just expressed my fear of a future where I don't have enough money to maintain myself, do I need to add another "entertainment expense" to my life?

And...

In a world where I chronically-bordering-on-constantly feel as if I'm "not getting things done" (In both practical and creative terms) do I need something to make it that much harder for me to "get things done"?

(Though the question has to be asked, "Jim, if you're not getting any of those things done now, what's the difference?".)

Valid questions, I think, that bump up against the idea that life is challenging, I wrestle with depression, I'm an adult, and anything that gets me through life feeling a little happier and more at peace, at a reasonable price (While not harming anyone else) seems like a pretty sweet deal.

For now, I'm "splitting the difference" - I'll buy "a little something" here-and-there as the opportunities arise and let it be a "sometime thing" - but I tried vaping recently and really liked it, so that could definitely become a thing.

And on that note, I'm going back to bed (I told myself to do my recycling today, but this was apparently the priority, and now I feel the need to lay myself down prior to Zumba this evening)...

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