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10:12 am - Sat 3/16/02
I bore myself. I also fascinate myself.
(Just got back from getting groceries. It was a nice contrast to last week's fight-to-the-death; $16 spent, three lightweight bags, and home without any fuss-and-bother. And aside from the Diet Coke, all good stuff too; Guess I was feeling guilty about all the crap I've been eating lately.)

Since I haven't written since Wednesday morning, I'm going to feel free to drone on at great length. Just a warning...

(But how to proceed...?)

WEDNESDAY:

I didn't do much of anything during the day that bears repeating (Or that apparently even bears REMEMBERING, since I can't really recall HOW I spent the day), but in the evening, I took the metro to the North Hollywood station, where I met up with Cary.

We had a Coke and talked about this and that, while waiting for Kay to get out of work and meet us. Then we walked to The Circle Theater, where we met up with Kiersten and Jonathan (Friends of Cary's, who coincidentally happen to be actors), and saw a very entertaining production of "Picasso at the Lapin Agile".

(The show started off slow, with the least interesting character/actors, but by the end, I was very impressed with the energy and pace of the production. I KNEW I was really impressed, because I had that anxious feeling I get when I see something good--"Could I have kept UP with these guys...?"--and now I'm wondering how I might INFILTRATE their little rep company. But anyway...)

After the show, we went out for pizza, and I had a chance to "talk shop" for a bit with Cary's actor friends.

I don't know if I learned much that I didn't already know--or at least already have a SENSE of--but it was fun just to be talking with "peers" (I was happy to be conversant enough with the issues that I could talk intelligently with them).

One thing I already knew intellectually, but have been having a hard time dealing with emotionally, is that there is no A-B-C, clear-cut path to success (I guess if there WERE, then EVERYONE would be doing it, huh?). You can get advice and counsel from other people, and maybe learn something that might HELP, but basically, you just have to scramble till you find what works for YOU (Even the two of them are pursuing different paths to success; Kiersten has extensive training and does lots of theater, while Jonathan has no training, does little or no theater, and supports himself with magic gigs and a computer website business).

Since I was cast in "Crossing the Line" (More on the show in a bit), I've been thinking about the necessity of getting postcards (You send them to agents and casting directors, to try and get them to actually SEE you in something, to just remind them you're still out there, and most importantly, let them know you're WORKING).

I'd kinda hoped I could just get some basic thing with my picture on it, that I could write a note on as needed, but when I saw Kiersten's post-card, I realized my thinking might still be a little too "amateur-hour"; Her picture was on the left half of the card, and her "news" (She had been cast as a guest-star on "First Monday") was professionally printed on the right.

She had ANOTHER postcard that I thought might defitely be the way for me to go in the future; On one side were two pictures of her in different "modes" (One more dressy/businesswoman, the other more casual/sexy), and on the back was her resume in miniature.

(I'm in a pretty major quandry about whether I should send anything out for MY show; On the one hand, it's me doing SOMETHING, but on the other, is it the first impression I want to MAKE? I just don't know...)

I really enjoyed my evening out, and meeting other honest-to-goodness ACTORS. They were very nice to me, very helpful, and tremendously entertaining to watch together; I would have been jealous of Jonathan--Kiersten is tremendously appealing, very attractive and a real live-wire--but he was such a good guy, and they were obviously such a good FIT, that all I could do is hope I should get so lucky someday (Happily, they apparently enjoyed meeting me TOO; They e-mailed Cary to that effect, saying that we should all get together again sometime).

THURSDAY:

I think this was the morning I got up and read my "Crossing the Line" script before logging onto the computer (Or was that Wednesday? Anyway...).

Prompted by Kathy B., I looked through my Aetna PPO book, and called the number for an ear, nose, and throat guy, to get the whole CPAP thing up-and-running again (It's interesting that someone can say ONE particular thing one particular WAY that sort of "turns the key"; In this case, Kathy said in an e-mail, regarding my sleeping problem, that "Sleep deprivation is a recognized form of torture". And it's TRUE; I can't just keep being tortured by sleeplessness, going through most of my days in a depressed, dopey fog. Life's too short--getting shorter by the minute--and I've got too much to do).

In the evening, I had rehearsal for "Crossing the Line".

JR wasn't there, so the spotlight was on Yours Truly. And I DID get more direction than I have so far, though it was mostly just about technical stuff (I need to play more of my lines out to the audience was his biggest thing), and not much to do with my interpretation of the role.

But that said, one of his comments made me VERY nervous; He said that he could hear me doing the "Southern thing" with the dialogue, but that I was "leaving some stuff out". He kind of gave me an "out", suggesting that because I'm starting to get off-book that maybe I was paraphrasing, but I told him that I was concerned with the lines/dialect making me sound like I was trying to be black (I've been purposefully "toning down" the "blackest" dialect, so I don't sound like Morgan Freeman in "Driving Miss Daisy").

So now I've got to do the lines in front of him "as-is", and hope that when he hears them, he'll realize I'm right.

(And if he DOESN'T? I don't know WHERE we go from there...)

After rehearsal, Mark (The director) invited us to have dinner on him, and three of us accepted, (Me, Eric, and Ronnie. Michelle is in another of the one acts and had to rehearse--"Crossing the Line" is one of three one-acts on the upcoming bill-- while Chad never showed up for some reason, and JR had a "previous commitment").

We ended up at a Denny's on Sunset. I felt awkward. It seemed obvious we didn't really have much to say to each other beyond talking about acting, and even that felt kind of STRAINED.

Mark wants to TEACH. He seems very anxious to tell people what he KNOWS, to PONTIFICATE (Probably why he's directing this show and I'm acting in it). And I don't find it OVERBEARING or anything like that, but he hasn't said much yet that I haven't already thought about, and accepted or dismissed on my own (I'm not saying I know everything there is to know about acting--I certainly don't--but I feel fairly certain I know at LEAST as much as Mark does).

FRIDAY:

I had an appointment to see Dr. Montagano at 11:45 (The ear, nose, and throat guy).

I got there quite early--Mostly just by accident, but I also figured having some extra time to do the "first time patient" paperwork might be a good thing--but I wasn't seen by the doctor till a full HOUR after my appointment time (That kind of thing really BUGS me. It's not the first time I've felt that Doctors have you set up appointments for THEIR convenience, and not yours).

So we didn't get off to a great start (He threw off a casual "sorry about your wait" when my name was finally called, and while I knew what my line was SUPPOSED to be--"Oh, that's no problem"--I was too annoyed to actually SAY it. My response was noncommittal, leaning a bit towards "annoyed").

(A semi-interesting side note; Everyone in the waiting room but me seemed to be Russian.)

The doctor got the history of my problem, looked in my ears and up my nose and down my throat, and said that he thought the CPAP was still the best way to go (As I've heard before, surgery to correct the problem has about a 50% failure rate. And beyond that, I read that at least one of the surgeries--I forget which one--can have the side-effect of leaving you with a more "nasal" voice. And since I someday hope to make my LIVING with my voice, that doesn't seem like a risk I want to TAKE).

He gave me a decongestant, a "nasal douche" (I can't even WRITE that without wanting to laugh), and suggested that, since I told him I can't always seem to stay on the "wedge pillow" Jane gave me, that I find something to elevate my bed with (It would be easier if I had an actual BED--I sleep on a futon mattress on the floor--and if I had a vehicle, to carry home whatever material I'm elevating the bed WITH, but I'll have to work something out. Maybe Chris or Cary can help me with that).

When I was done with the doctor, the nurse/receptionist/whatever she was, said she'd call me with the number for the place I'd need to talk to about the CPAP, and to call her back early next week if she forgets.

Instead of feeling good about having done something to HELP myself, I felt absolutely MISERABLE when I left the doctor's office.

I screwed up in how I dealt with the doctor; He might have kept me waiting an hour, but nevertheless, it didn't serve my best interests to be surly with him. I needed to have him on my side, and I didn't leave feeling that was the case. I let my emotions cloud my good judgement, and I left feeling more alone in the world than when I'd went in.

And even though I KNOW this isn't the way I need to be thinking, I found myself feeling frustrated about having to start all this up again ("Why do I have to jump through all these hoops just to SLEEP?"), and pessimistic about it working out ("I've been fucking around with this for YEARS now. What's going to be so different THIS time out?").

But the fact is, I AM going to have to "jump through some hoops" to get the rest I desperately need. And this is really important stuff; it's undoubtedly a big part of my bad/sad moods, my lack of energy, and if I'm not careful, if I keep ignoring the problem, it's going to lead to SERIOUS health problems down the road. I can't ignore this just because I'm frustrated that I'm not "normal".

And the answer to "What's going to be different this time around?" is that I'm going to TRY HARDER; In the past, given the slightest opportunity, I've become depressed and frustrated and given up. This time out, I know I HAVE to make this work. I can't keep living this way, and feeling so bad all the time.

After the Doctor's office, I rode further down Wilshire, to see what movies were playing at the theaters down that way. Then I went down La Cienega, past work, to see what was playing at the Beverly Connection ("A Beautiful Mind" was the only thing I was kinda interested in seeing. It's the only one of the "Best Picture" nominees I HAVEN'T seen, but for some reason, I just haven't been really JAZZED to see it. Besides, matinees at that theater are $6, while matinees at the theater in Los Feliz are $4.50 ).

I ended up seeing "Monsoon Wedding" at the Los Feliz (It's a very entertaining Indian movie, about the events leading up to a big family wedding. Well worth the time if it's playing near you).

In the evening, I finally did something I haven't done in quite awhile; I checked "Backstage" (In addition to looking at the casting section, I also read some of the articles).

(I only sent out two headshots--One for a theater production of "Gillian", another for a movie--but that's two more than I've done so far this month, so I'm going to call it good.)

I've been reading "How to Sell Yourself As An Actor" by Kay Callan.

She's pretty hardnosed--there are lots of "If this scares you, maybe you're in the wrong business"-type of sentiments in the book--but she also says that if you have talent and the willingness to really put yourself OUT there, it can happen for you.

I've been "all over the map" the past couple days. I've had fun, been tremendously lonely, felt like I was walking around in a daze, felt tremendously energized and hopeful, and have had both moments of knowing something is happening, and moments where I feel like I'm just not going to make it.

(Just one example; After seeing "Picasso", I was feeling a little insecure about how I'd fare with the super-energized actors I'd just seen on stage. But then I went home, and watched part of "The West Wing", and found myself thinking, "If you put me opposite those actors, with those great lines to say, I'd do all right...". And I really BELIEVE that. I don't think it's that hard to make great material FLY. But anyway...)

I'm wrestling with all the same negative stuff I've gone over again and again in here. But I've also had moments recently where I've pulled away from saying something negative about somebody, where I was practically INVITED to say something negative about the show I'm in and didn't, where someone said something I could have taken offense at, but instead I just let myself THINK about what had been said.

It can be very hard not to be negative. In addition to my chronic fatigue and unfortunate background, and the bad mental habits I've acquired along the way, being negative is kind of a "bonding thing"; I don't know about you, but a lot of the time I spend talking to other people seems to be spent either complaining about my life and circumstances, or listening to them complain about theirs. If you don't have that to talk about, and you don't watch the same tv shows, it can be hard for me to know what to SAY to people.

I'm "thinking" a LOT these days. Maybe too much, I don't know.

I want to find a way to stop STRUGGLING. That jumped into my thoughts recently; I found myself thinking about how I'm "struggling" emotionally, then I thought, "...and maybe that's the PROBLEM" (I'm not 100% sure what the ANSWER is just yet, but there you go!).

Going back to work later this afternoon, after three days off. I feel the beginnings of wanting to feel BAD about having to go back to work, even though this "long weekend" has by no means been pure PLEASURE, but what is there to DO? I HAVE to work, and truth to tell, once I'm there, I'll probably enjoy hanging out with some of "my work friends" (The continual frustration I experience with time off is that it's never really LONG enough. There's always just enough time to relax, but by the time you feel like you're ready to be PRODUCTIVE, and get some things DONE, it's time to go back to the salt mines. Oh well...).

And THIS...

I was thinking earlier that I am both really TIRED of "hearing myself talk", but absolutely FULL of stuff I want to say, things I have to get OUT.

I'm only stopping now because 1)Even if I SAY I'm going to "go on and on" in here, I still get uncomfortable when I do, feeling that I'm boring people, and 2)I'm really tired, and feel the need to try and get a little shut-eye before having to start getting ready for work.

Take care, everybody. Talk to you soon.

 

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