1:36 pm - Thurs 1.08.2009
Feel The Fear...And Spend The Money Anyway

I was thinking about my last entry earlier today, wondering, "If 'talk is cheap, and writing not much more expensive', why do I keep a journal?".

A complete answer to that question would be more involved than I want to get into right now.

But a partial answer is - I keep a journal, not so much to tell myself (Or you) what I want to do, or plan to do, or wish I could do "if only" I had _____ (the time, the money, the energy, the guts); I keep a journal to process my feelings, share them with you, and talk about what's going on in my life.

So - I ask myself - what's going on in my life...?

And how do I feel about it?

Well, a couple hours ago, I went to Paragon Photo on LaBrea, to get new headshots printed up.

I opted to print 60 copies each of the first and third photos at the top of the page- it was more expensive (Than to just do one), but I felt I needed the two different "looks".

And at this point, barring an insane up-tick in auditions - which I don't want to rule out - 120 hard-copy headshots is going to cover me for the coming year...and then some (I opted to get photos instead of lithos, in part because they look a little nicer, but mostly because I don't want to spend money on a bunch of lithos that'll just end up wallpapering my apartment).

This is something that had to be done (The #1 rule in the headshot game is "You have to look like your headshot", and I no longer look like the 4 or 5-year-old headshot I've been using), so I'm glad I got off my ass and did it.

But that said, it still made me anxious; mentally, I'm back in a place where every big outlay of money makes me nervous (Since a lot's going out, and not much is coming in).

And beyond that, I worry that the pictures don't look good/that the "new me" isn't going to be "marketable" (A worry I'll have until/unless I start getting some audition calls).

But "worry" isn't really the point here - I can worry all I want...as long as I go ahead and do whatever it is I need to do anyway.

("Feel the fear and do it anyway" is my motto for 2009.)

Last night, I did something else I've been meaning to do for awhile - I checked the IO West website, about taking an improv class.

Their first round of beginning classes ($325 for eight weeks of a once-a-week, three hour class) is already filled up, so I kind of snoozed there.

So I wouldn't be able to start until March (And online sign-up for those classes won't be available for another two weeks).

A friend who's taken classes there told me you could "intern" for them and get credit towards classes, which is something I was definitely interested in (Have I mentioned I'm feeling a wave of financial anxiety lately...?).

But according to their website, you have to enroll in classes first, then apply for the internship. Which seems backwards to me, but it is what it is - I'm going to sign up, apply for the internship thing, and see what happens (If I get it, cool. If not...well, that's what credit cards are for, right? Or maybe I'll luck out and book some tasty gig by then that'll cover the cost of classes).

One of the things I realized I was going to have to do this year was to spend money when the idea of spending money would make me very uncomfortable and afraid.

I just have to believe that the Universe makes sense, and has rules, and that if I take these leaps of faith, "mighty forces" really will "come to my aid".

I do believe that you have to "invest in yourself" for things to happen. And I don't think I've been very good at that in the past.

And I need to figure out ways to "enhance my brand" - through performance, through education, through making connections, etc. - and that isn't going to happen by staying at home, and being afraid to move.

But right now, I'm going to lie down for a bit, so I can be rested, and appropriately cheerful, when the members come in to my Weight Watchers meeting this evening...

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