1:57 pm - Sun 11/16/03
Fear Factor

I wish I weren't afraid all the time.

All those "depressing thoughts" I'm afraid to explore, for fear I'll "give over to them" (Whatever the hell that means), center around fear.

I'm afraid I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I'm having a hard time even imagining a mutual attraction with someone anymore, let alone an ongoing, successful relationship. It's hard to imagine someone I want wanting me back, and even harder to imagine what I'd do if they did.

(There are lots of "corollary fears" there, but you get the idea.)

I'm afraid of the acting thing not panning out. I'm afraid I just don't have the juice, that I've waited too long, that the "big break" will never come.

And then what do I do? Work at Borders till I keel over one day at the info counter?

I'm afraid in my current circumstances. Basically, my job does absolutely nothing for me in terms of my future (It barely covers my present!). I'm afraid I'll be stuck at Borders forever, but at the same time, I'm afraid of bailing; bailing to what?, for one thing (I like working at a bookstore, even when I don't like it, more than I liked flipping burgers, or more than I'd like working at an office, or some other retail job), but I also have the lingering fear that any attempt to improve my standing in "the real world" (i.e. in a straight job) means giving up on acting. And that's all I've ever wanted to do, and it's still all I want to do.

I'm afraid of the future, in every way you can imagine; I'm afraid I'm going to be broke and homeless, I'm afraid of dying alone, I'm afraid of my life having amounted to nothing, etc and so forth.

And time marches on. Tick...tick...tick...

previous - next