1:21 pm - Thurs 5/20/04
Going into it, I'd thought yesterday was going to be a good day. I had an audition to look forward to in the afternoon, and the series finale of Angel to look forward to that evening.
But it ended up being kind of a sad day for Jimmy...
The audition, a promo for Nick at Nite, was something I should have hit out of the ballpark--sides were available on L.A. Casting.com beforehand, so I was coming in more prepared than usual--but I had the distinct feeling I'd left my best performance out in the lobby beforehand.
I hate that feeling, and I've had it often enough at commercial auditions that I need to really think about my "process" at these things--What do I sometimes do wrong before I go into the room, or what sometimes throws me once I'm in the room?
I don't want to be too "down on myself" here. Obviously, I don't botch every audition I go out on; I've booked two gigs so far this year, and had a number of callbacks and "avails". Pretty much any way you care to measure it, I'm doing better than last year. So some perspective might be in order.
But there's no room for "usually" doing a good job, for only "sometimes" blowing it. I need to "hit it out of the ballpark" every single time, or as close to that as humanly possible, if I want to book gigs with any kind of consistency.
So I was pretty bummed afterwards (To be honest, I wanted to book this gig mostly for the sense of accomplishment I'd feel from booking two gigs back-to-back).
Once again, it makes me realize that I have some pretty insatiable desires. However far I get out here, whatever my accomplishments, it's hard to imagine ever reaching a point where I say "I'm satisfied".
To quote whoever said it first, "All I want is a little more than I'll ever have".
I don't typically read online "spoilers" (For the uninitiated, "spoilers" are when someone has "inside info" on an upcoming episode of a tv show, and posts it on a website), but I did read a "spoiler" for the final episode of Angel.
I thought it was a good way to end the series (The last shot was of our four surviving heroes rushing into battle against, basically, an army from Hell). Whatever happens or doesn't happen--In terms of follow-up Angel "movies" or what-have-you--my take on the ending was that the good guys were going to go down, but they were going to go down swinging.
I think my sadness afterwards came from a couple different places...
As an actor, I was sorry to see the show go, because I've fantasized about going "through the looking glass" and actually being on the show. And now that's not gonna happen.
And the episode itself was inherently sad. I guess you could say it was elegiac; not all our heroes made it through the hour, and ultimately, nobody was going to survive (Well, actually one did, because he didn't show up for the final fight). And I've become very invested in these characters over the course of the series.
And the basic message of the episode, true though it might have been, was not the sort of thing to leave a song in your heart: As a hero, while you can't defeat evil, not in a "happily ever after" sort of way, you're obligated to fight it nevertheless (Winning is not what makes you a hero; "fighting the good fight", no matter the odds, is what makes you a hero).
That's a truism I would definitely not have been able to accept earlier in my life. And honestly, that's still a tough notion to accept--Certainly on a personal level, because as I think I suggested in here recently, I'm very much invested in overcoming the "evil" commited against me as a child; At some level, I feel that if I become a successful actor, if I find love, if I'm happy, etc and so forth, then I "win".
There's never been any room in that equation for feeling good about "doing my best", for "fighting the good fight".
I've always been more of an "If you can't win, why try?" kind-of-guy.
That's why it took me so long to do what I'm doing out here in L.A.; I was afraid I couldn't "win" out here, and wouldn't be able to handle failing.
I still worrry about that.
Anyway, the Angel finale has given me serious "food for thought" (So much for TV being a "waste of time"!); The point in life is to try, to be "in the game" for the entire game, no matter what the odds.
Cause if you are, you're a "winner" no matter what the scorecard says.
And with that "Life As A Sporting Event" analogy, I am outta here...
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