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11:00 pm - 11.10.2012
Middle-Aged Character Actor In Existential Crisis - Film At 11:00

Middle-Aged Character Actor In Existential Crisis - Film At 11:00

Mon 10/29/12 (11:18 pm)

With Hurricane Sandy hitting the east coast today (Becoming“Non-Tropical Cyclone Sandy” shortly upon landfall), and killing 14 people (last I heard), this is one of those times where it’ll come off as I-don’t-know-what (Petty? Churlish? Solipsistic?) to complain about my own, storm-free existence.

I’m a little concerned about “my people” - in Virginia and West Virginia - but have basically told myself, without really knowing much of anything about it, that “they’re going to be okay”. Just because I want that to be the case.

With my mutant power to make everything about me - or at least mostly about me - I was looking outside at the beautiful sunny day we were having here in LA, thinking how “weird” it felt, the juxtaposition of that perfect day with what I was seeing on the news (from NYC, for example).

And then I thought, “Don’t worry, Jim - Your day’s coming” (We had a small earthquake yesterday morning, and it reminded me “The Big One” is due any day now. Then it’ll be someone else’s turn to feel “weird” about the beautiful day outside).

Thurs 11/8/12 (11:06 pm)

(Watching Last Resort, which I’ve been enjoying, but is apparently not doing too well in the ratings. But anyway...)

A lot of major goings-on going on...

The storm was huge, wreaking major devastation and pretty substantial loss of life - but since “my people” were all fine, and I made my small Red Cross donation early on, it’s quickly become “old news” to me (I feel a little guilty about that, but “it is what it is”, as they say).

The election, on the other hand, is still very much on my mind...

I don’t know if I was on Facebook when the previous election was going on - I don’t think I was - but this time out, Facebook played a pretty major role in how I processed/participated in this election season.

In fact, it was really the only thing I did regarding the election, other than actually voting on Tuesday (I applied relatively last-minute for a mail-in ballot, so decided to “play it safe” and “walk it into” my polling location instead of taking a chance on the mail); I didn’t donate money to anyone, I didn’t make calls or knock on doors or anything like that, I just posted a lot of liberal political stuff on my page.

I think it’s good that I cared - this election was worth caring about - but on the other hand, I don’t think I accomplished much; the majority of my Facebook friends fall on the “Liberal” side of the political spectrum, and the people I know on the other side were not going to be persuaded out of a lifetime of belief by my Facebook posts, any more than I’d be persuaded to suddenly join the GOP on the strength of their Facebook posts..

And even though we’re okay now, it still really bothers me that (my conservative brother) Tony and me were pissing each other off so bad over this stuff there was serious question whether we’d be able to even have a relationship going forward - And considering we just met each other this year, that’s flat-out insane, that we’d choose politics over having an honest-to-God brother (There were some other conservative “friends” that were upset over my views as well, but frankly, nobody who really mattered. Tony was the only person I wanted to work through this shit with. The rest I was pretty content to cut loose...or to have them cut me loose, whatever).

So I don’t know what the “takeaway” from this is, exactly...

...but I do think, when the next election rolls around, that I should do a lot less “Facebook-ing” about it, and more shit that might actually matter (Like making those calls and knocking on those doors that I didn’t get around to this year). Posting on a forum (mostly) just to have a lot of people agree with me and congratulate me on my beliefs...well, to use an old-fashioned word, it’s unseemly.

Particularly since I don’t really do much acting on those beliefs.

I am, of course, very glad the election went the way it did.

I’m not, when it comes down to it, a terribly deep political thinker. I would like to be able to claim encylopedic knowledge and intellectual rigor when it comes to the political issues of our day, but by and large, a lot of things, for me, come down to whether it seems “right” or not.

The policies of the GOP don’t seem “right” to me - They often don’t seem morally right, and just as often, during this election season, haven’t seemed to make intellectual sense either (While I’m not a “deep thinker” politically, I’m also no dummy).

I feel myself kind of getting “into the weeds” here...long story short, my beliefs line up pretty much on the liberal/progressive side of the spectrum, I am a lifelong Democrat, I tend to believe, or at least want to believe, the high-minded rhetoric of what this country is/can be. I want to be proud of the country I live in.

So I wanted to give the idea of “hope” and “change” another four years. And I’m glad the majority of the country did as well.

Fri 11/9/12 (9:31 pm)

Had a good, hopeful day yesterday, with an audition for Touch in the morning (As “Morgue Worker”), and a callback for a Wheat Thins commercial in the afternoon.

They both went all right, I thought; there wasn’t much to the Wheat Thins thing, so whatever, but at the Touch audition, the Director gave my second reading (after his “re-direct”) a distinctly interested-sounding, kind-of-speculative “Hmmm...” (I was disappointed the “re-direct” basically made the character another “dead inside” role like I’ve done many times now, because that’s not something I enjoy doing. And the fact that’s an “issue” for me - being asked to do something people have wanted me to do before, and a thing that’s gotten me work - seems like a serious problem...but more on that later).

I woke up this morning, for whatever reason, feeling like neither thing had “gone my way” (I joked on Facebook that I had to tell myself, “Jim, can you at least wait till the casting offices open before you reach that conclusion?”), so I decided to “give it the day” before assuming they, indeed, hadn’t “gone my way”.

Well, the business day ended...and I didn’t get any calls.

Which, of course, doesn’t mean they didn’t go my way - It’s just an artificial “demarcation” I feel I need to make because I can’t handle living in uncertainty (Cause if you don’t book, or at least get an “avail”, you never hear anything about a given audition) - but it seems fair to say they probably didn’t go my way.

I’m bummed that whatever positive feelings I get from auditions and bookings and such dissipate faster and faster these days (Or barely register in the first place). If I can’t get good feelings from auditions and gigs, which is why I’m out here in the first place, where the hell am I going to get my good feelings from?

But that said, it was nice yesterday that, while all this was going on, I got a call from Sharon for another audition this coming Wednesday, for Southland.

It’s a fun bit, and it would be nice to book Southland, which is another John Wells show (John Wells does Shameless); I had an audition awhile back for the show that I felt kinda “went South”, so to speak, so in addition to the credit and the money, it would be nice to get the bad taste of that audition out of my mouth.

I could dearly use a win or two before the year’s out - it would definitely help the finances, and I think it would help my mood as well - but I don’t think any one or two “wins” are going to be a panacea for what’s troubling me.

I don’t feel good physically - ever, really - I don’t feel good emotionally (Most of the time), and spiritually...well, it’s not like I’m going to shoot myself tomorrow, but if I’m totally honest with myself - and with you - there’s just no real reason for me to be here.

And that seems like a problem.

But for now, it’s time to (try unsuccessfully to) sleep...

 

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