11:35 am - Mon 4/19/04
Fragmenting

Weds 4/14/04 (8:01 p.m.)

(New episodes of Smallville and Angel tonite. I'm in "cult tv heaven".)

Another Wednesday blown, where I didn't have anything to do, so I didn't do anything.

I was hoping I'd get paged today about an audition, but nothing happened. But just as well�Since I couldn't drag myself out of the house today, I can make tomorrow my day to venture out amongst the "hu-mans".

A bit "piggish" of me to want an audition this "weekend"�I had auditions Saturday, Monday, and yesterday (For a total of five auditions and a callback so far this month)�but what can I say? I'm a simple man�A movie and an audition, and I've just about filled my quota of fun and productivity for the weekend (And if I don't have a movie to see and/or an audition to go to, I have a hard time getting myself out of the house).

Fri 4/16/04 (1:43 a.m.)

What the hell do beautiful people do for a living...?

It's not the first time I've wondered about this, but it was on my mind again yesterday�Not every fantastically good looking person can be an actor or a model, but I never see beautiful people doing regular jobs (I'm not talking about actors waiting tables till they get their "big break" here, but people who are just working nine-to-five).

Aside from being beautiful, what do beautiful people do?

Sun 4/18/04 (11:42 a.m.)

(Watching bull-riding on NBC. Thought I'd just watch till someone had a successful ride, but no one's made it yet. And some of the guys are wearing helmets, which is kind of surprising�I would have assumed there'd be some macho "Cowboy Code" against that, and all the other little cowboys would make fun of you. But anyway...)

Here's a little "health factoid" I can feel good about: Apparently, men who masturbate 20 times a month or more have less of a risk of prostate cancer (So at the rate I'm going, my prostate should be in great shape six months after I'm dead).

I'm thinking a lot these days in terms of a "consolation prize".

What I mean by that is that I've been thinking about all the stuff that's probably not going to happen for me�sex, love, a family of my own, etc.�and thinking "Well, if I'm not going to have that, I sure as shit want this..." ("This" basically boils down to freedom�freedom to have, freedom to do, etc. ).

I think I touched on this when I first talked about wanting a Mini-Cooper.

That car just makes me feel happy. It looks fun (And reviews in Consumer Reports and various car magazines agree�It's apparently a lot of fun to drive).

But in addition to being something I like, a car like the Mini makes sense�As a single guy, I don't need more car than that, it's perfect to tool around L.A in, it doesn't send the world a "mid-life crisis" message (You get to a certain age, and you look like an idiot driving a Porsche), and it's not so expensive it's beyond the realm of possibility.

Not to sound like I'm writing ad-copy here, but for me, a Mini isn't just a "car"�It's a "lifestyle choice".

I seem to be thinking a lot about "lifestyle choices" these days.

The "auditioning for things during the day/doing plays at night" is the centerpiece of the "lifestyle" I've been envisioning for myself (Not the "last stop", but rather, the "next step" from where I am now. Though I really need to get on a fucking "accelerated program" here!).

In terms of "things", I don't have extravagent tastes; there's nothing I want, nothing I think I might enjoy�A Mini, a lap-top, a gym membership, Tivo, action figures, porn, etc�that couldn't be had with a middle-class level income (Particularly considering that income wouldn't be paying for Junior's braces, or Susie's "college fund", or even Spot's obedience training).

What I think about, more than "things" these days, is simply this�Getting to do what I want to do. If I want to go to a couple movies over the weekend, being able to go. Eating out a lot because I want to. Trying a CD by an artist or group I'm not sure I like just to try it. Going to theatre, because I want to and I should. Going to concerts. Travelling.

And I think about at least some level of relief from fear. And by that, I mean "Having enough money to get through a crisis of some sort" (One such crisis being "Getting old").

Honestly? I don't think this is a life to be desired. I think I'd rather matter to someone. I think I'd rather be a husband and father than a "lifelong bachelor" (Odd to think about�Some people have come and gone from my life, in all that time never having seen me with a woman. I wonder if they think that's weird, or that I'm gay or something...?).

But the life I'm envisioning is better than what I got. And "better than what I got", but "not a life to be desired", is the reason I think of it as "a consolation prize".

Because the alternative is thinking "I've got nothing".

Mon 4/19/04 (3:00 a.m.)

At work today it hit me�My friends are my friends because they don't have to deal with me 24/7. Anyone who gets a full on dose of Jim eventually--inevitably--abandons ship.

That's not one of my happier thoughts...

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