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11:35 am - Mon 4/19/04
Fragmenting

Fragmenting

Weds 4/14/04 (8:01 p.m.)

(New episodes of Smallville and Angel tonite. I'm in "cult tv heaven".)

Another Wednesday blown, where I didn't have anything to do, so I didn't do anything.

I was hoping I'd get paged today about an audition, but nothing happened. But just as well–Since I couldn't drag myself out of the house today, I can make tomorrow my day to venture out amongst the "hu-mans".

A bit "piggish" of me to want an audition this "weekend"–I had auditions Saturday, Monday, and yesterday (For a total of five auditions and a callback so far this month)–but what can I say? I'm a simple man–A movie and an audition, and I've just about filled my quota of fun and productivity for the weekend (And if I don't have a movie to see and/or an audition to go to, I have a hard time getting myself out of the house).

Fri 4/16/04 (1:43 a.m.)

What the hell do beautiful people do for a living...?

It's not the first time I've wondered about this, but it was on my mind again yesterday–Not every fantastically good looking person can be an actor or a model, but I never see beautiful people doing regular jobs (I'm not talking about actors waiting tables till they get their "big break" here, but people who are just working nine-to-five).

Aside from being beautiful, what do beautiful people do?

Sun 4/18/04 (11:42 a.m.)

(Watching bull-riding on NBC. Thought I'd just watch till someone had a successful ride, but no one's made it yet. And some of the guys are wearing helmets, which is kind of surprising–I would have assumed there'd be some macho "Cowboy Code" against that, and all the other little cowboys would make fun of you. But anyway...)

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Here's a little "health factoid" I can feel good about: Apparently, men who masturbate 20 times a month or more have less of a risk of prostate cancer (So at the rate I'm going, my prostate should be in great shape six months after I'm dead).

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I'm thinking a lot these days in terms of a "consolation prize".

What I mean by that is that I've been thinking about all the stuff that's probably not going to happen for me–sex, love, a family of my own, etc.–and thinking "Well, if I'm not going to have that, I sure as shit want this..." ("This" basically boils down to freedom–freedom to have, freedom to do, etc. ).

I think I touched on this when I first talked about wanting a Mini-Cooper.

That car just makes me feel happy. It looks fun (And reviews in Consumer Reports and various car magazines agree–It's apparently a lot of fun to drive).

But in addition to being something I like, a car like the Mini makes sense–As a single guy, I don't need more car than that, it's perfect to tool around L.A in, it doesn't send the world a "mid-life crisis" message (You get to a certain age, and you look like an idiot driving a Porsche), and it's not so expensive it's beyond the realm of possibility.

Not to sound like I'm writing ad-copy here, but for me, a Mini isn't just a "car"–It's a "lifestyle choice".

I seem to be thinking a lot about "lifestyle choices" these days.

The "auditioning for things during the day/doing plays at night" is the centerpiece of the "lifestyle" I've been envisioning for myself (Not the "last stop", but rather, the "next step" from where I am now. Though I really need to get on a fucking "accelerated program" here!).

In terms of "things", I don't have extravagent tastes; there's nothing I want, nothing I think I might enjoy–A Mini, a lap-top, a gym membership, Tivo, action figures, porn, etc–that couldn't be had with a middle-class level income (Particularly considering that income wouldn't be paying for Junior's braces, or Susie's "college fund", or even Spot's obedience training).

What I think about, more than "things" these days, is simply this–Getting to do what I want to do. If I want to go to a couple movies over the weekend, being able to go. Eating out a lot because I want to. Trying a CD by an artist or group I'm not sure I like just to try it. Going to theatre, because I want to and I should. Going to concerts. Travelling.

And I think about at least some level of relief from fear. And by that, I mean "Having enough money to get through a crisis of some sort" (One such crisis being "Getting old").

Honestly? I don't think this is a life to be desired. I think I'd rather matter to someone. I think I'd rather be a husband and father than a "lifelong bachelor" (Odd to think about–Some people have come and gone from my life, in all that time never having seen me with a woman. I wonder if they think that's weird, or that I'm gay or something...?).

But the life I'm envisioning is better than what I got. And "better than what I got", but "not a life to be desired", is the reason I think of it as "a consolation prize".

Because the alternative is thinking "I've got nothing".

Mon 4/19/04 (3:00 a.m.)

At work today it hit me–My friends are my friends because they don't have to deal with me 24/7. Anyone who gets a full on dose of Jim eventually--inevitably--abandons ship.

That's not one of my happier thoughts...

 

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