Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

8:11 am - Sunday, Dec. 26, 2004
Happy Freakin' Holidays

Happy Freakin' Holidays

Weds 12/22/04 (9:20 a.m.)

I have an appointment for my second root canal at 10:30.

Postponed this twice–Once because I was afraid I'd be missing out on auditions (I ended up getting four that day), then again because of the G.E. shoot–but I obviously had to do it at some point, so a week or so ago, I "booked out" with JS for today...and of course, got a call yesterday about an audition (A print ad for Microsoft).

Why do I even bother "booking out" when they obviously don't keep any record of it?

It annoys me, because I'm paranoid as it is about missing out on potential auditions when I have to "book out". So the last thing in the world I want is to get a call from JS, saying in effect, "Yes, you really are missing out on auditions whenever you 'book out'...".

Well, I gotta go (Telling myself that while the next couple hours are going to be somewhat less than fun, at least it's basically over after that. When I had the first root canal, it was the opposite of how I thought it would be, where the procedure itself would be no big deal, but I'd be hurtin' afterwards; It was a couple very unpleasant hours in the chair, but when I got home, I didn't really need the painkiller the dentist had prescribed).

Fri 12/24/04 (10:24 a.m.)

Letter to Pat:

Hi Pat--
That "No Whining" thing you're trying would be a tremendous challenge. I may just give it a try in '05 :)

I think "whining" is bad because it puts the focus on things we don't like, which makes us more unhappy, and suggests that we're powerless to change those things. It's as if someone or something else is making us unhappy, and we're just an unfortunate victim of circumstance (And maybe we used to be "unfortunate victims of circumstance" when we were children. But we're not children anymore).

It's really tough for me not to whimper and complain about things. It's "second nature". But I know it doesn't do me any good. And when I give it half a chance, I can see how much better things are when I try keeping a sunnier outlook.


Not a whole lot of news to report from here. Just "checking in" basically to wish you a Merry Xmas :)

Had a root canal Wednesday...and Thursday (They broke a file off in the tooth, so I had to go to a specialist the next day to have him fish it out, and finish the job). I would rather not have spent all that time on my days off in a dentist chair, and would rather not have spent the extra money (The specialist was $200 more expensive than if I'd been able to get it done at the other place, and I had to put it on a credit card), but in the middle of this unpleasantness, there were some bright spots: 1) Neither day was anywhere near as unpleasant as that first root canal I had some months back, and 2) In a conversation with the dentist--about dental appliances and braces and such--I mentioned I had sleep apnea, and he said the process of "opening things up" in my mouth that would occur with my getting braces would cure that.


So for the new year, I'm going to get that going, and just plan on the money coming from somewhere (I'll have the Jack-In-The-Box residuals coming in, but I don't know how much that's going to be).

When it was just about having straight teeth, it was an issue for debate–as to whether that was the best way to spend my money or not--but when it could mean straight teeth and sleeping at night, it's a serious no-brainer.

Sat 12/25/04 (9:38 p.m.)

Well, I hope everyone had a Merry Xmas.

My Xmas? Not particularly "merry", really, but what are ya gonna do?

(Watching White Xmas, which I've actually never seen. It doesn't really seem to have that much to do with Xmas, "white" or otherwise, beyond the title song, but that's fine by me.)

On Thursday, I got a package from Mark and Jane, the "practical part" of their double-barrelled Xmas present–A personal "mini-washer".

Initially, I was decidedly non-plussed by the gift.

(That was also my second and third reaction.)

But I did a little "test load" today–five pairs of undies, two t-shirts, and three pairs of socks--and I could actually see it coming in handy (I guess you can get a fold-up "clothesline" at places like Target or K-Mart, which would go a long ways towards making the washer a convenience--No more schlepping downstairs with a big load of wash--and an actual money-saving proposition).

Sun 12/26/04 (1:06 a.m.)

Well, I thought I was going to somehow "fly under the radar" this holiday season, and avoid the "Xmas Blues".

I didn't quite make it.

Actually, I knew I was in trouble as soon as auditions stopped for the year, and that was definitely the case; Without auditions, and the two gigs I had in December, all I had to think about was how bored I am at work (Have I mentioned the coming year will be my last in retail?), and how I was looking at yet another Xmas alone.

But you know what? Yes, I was bored and lonely yesterday. Yes, I would like to have had someone to spend Xmas with. But here I am, alive today to tell the tale; as always, I have faced down loneliness and boredom and survived.

And in terms of being alone on the holidays, I was thinking--When I've had the option of spending Xmas with people, I've often as not been uncomfortable and unhappy with that. It may not seem like it at times, but I'm uncomfortable with being pitied, with being somewhere I don't really belong just because someone feels sorry for me.

I used to enjoy going to Mark and Jane's on Xmas Eve or Xmas day (I'd be a little bummed if we couldn't do it one of those days, because then it just felt like "going to their place for dinner"). We'd exchange gifts, Jane would make a great meal (She's a very good cook), and we'd chat about this and that, maybe watch a video, and just hang out.

Sure, I imagine there was an element of pity there--they knew if I didn't have a family-like celebration with them, I wasn't going to have one at all--but the main thing was that it was fun, and "festive", and we enjoyed each other's company.

I miss that.

Something else I miss, concerning the holidays, is my old bookstore back in Michigan.

What I miss out on, having no family I come from and no family of my own, are "holiday traditions", and over the years at Schuler Books, we sort of became a little "family", with our own "traditions"--gifts in each other's mailboxes (and in later years, a week of "Secret Santa" presents), a potluck on Xmas Eve, a champagne toast once we ushered out the last customer. Fun stuff I didn't realize I'd grown dependent on till I left.

There was also a $100 Xmas bonus from the owners, which I always thought was a lovely holiday tradition (In contrast, the Borders corporate office sends the store a box of apples and oranges. Always makes me want to say "Thanks a bunch, but I can buy my own fucking apples and oranges, you cheap bastards").

Well, I can't really think of a natural "end point" here, but I want to read the email from Kathy B. I just received, and to go on to some year end "wrap-up" stuff I want to do would make this entry way too long, so I think I'm going to close now.

Merry Post-Xmas, Everyone...


previous - next

1 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!