1:00 PM - 02.02.23
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Well...crap.

As an actor, if I audition really well but still don't get the role, it can be hard to hold onto the fact that I did indeed "do a good job". I want to believe that, if I do my best, I'll get the job.

So if I don't get the gig, if I don't win the big prize, "something must have gone wrong".

But as I suggested in my last entry, it ain't necessarily so.

Sometimes you do your best...and you still lose.

I rocked that commercial callback...but they chose someone else.

I was "pinned" for that co-star bit...but someone else won the big prize.

It sucks, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I got a callback off my first commercial audition of the year, and in my first couple theatrical self-tapes, got "pinned" for a co-star.

But I've been struggling so far this week - feeling unmotivated, depressed, and anxious - and I think those near-misses are part of the reason why.

And there's not much to do about it but trust that, if I keep "doing my best", before too much longer, I will win some of the big prizes.

But in the meantime?

It sucks.

One reason I was hoping to book that co-star was that it would have gotten me out of jury duty, which starts next week (The co-star would have shot sometime in the following week or so, which means I would have needed to postpone jury duty, so as not to have a potential conflict).

But no gig means no reason to postpone (And really, I'd rather do it and get it over with than have it hanging over my head).

One reason I don't want to do it makes sense to me - I just don't want to be unavailable for potentially the next week or two (Or possibly longer). I'd rather be available to win one of those "big prizes" I was talking about earlier (As opposed to the $15 a day you get for jury duty).

But beyond that, I'm just a big ball of anxiety and annoyance about the whole thing.

But who knows?

Maybe I don't end up having to go in.

Maybe I go in, but don't get called to a jury.

Maybe I am on a jury, but then I get excused by the Defense or the Prosecution.

Maybe I have to serve, but it ends up being some huge, newsworthy case that I'll have the fun of saying I worked on after-the-fact.

Or maybe it's just a pain-in-the-ass but I get through it and life goes on.

(In any case, I have to call in for Monday sometime over the weekend.)

It had two good-sized showings on Friday and Saturday (Two of the three days that Jane R. was there), then fell off pretty radically on Sunday and Monday.

(After that, Jane left for Santa Fe, so I don't know what the numbers were like for Tuesday or Wednesday. And tonight's show hasn't started yet. But I can't imagine we sold out any more houses.)

Surprised that I felt kinda sad after Jane left - Even though I'd opted not to attend myself, I guess I was enjoying vicariously participating when Jane would "de-brief" me after each showing.

(I have to say, I was dubious that the movie would get any kind of audience during this week-long run, so to have Friday and Saturday be as well-attended as they were was a nice surprise.)

So now, I basically feel like I'm back where I was at the start of the year, "waiting for something to happen" - Waiting for auditions, waiting for gigs, waiting for film festivals.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

At least one nice thing that will be happening soon is Jane is coming back to LA in about two weeks (Hopefully, my jury duty stint will have come and gone by that point).

It's nice when she's around - We eat out, usually go to Blicks at some point, maybe catch a movie, hang out a lot at her place (And this time out, we'll need to do some work around the IndieGoGo she put together on my behalf, to raise money so I can go to film festivals this year without it breaking the bank. It's gone much better than I would ever have imagined, so now we have to work out getting the various incentives to my generous sponsors).

In short, I like when she's here better than when she's not.

So far, I've seen Tar (Great),The Whale (Problematic), Women Talking (Great), Babylon (Kind of a mess), and Living (Great), and watched the second season of "The White Lotus" (Big fan of Aubrey Plaza...but Jennifer Coolidge had the performance that broke my heart).

What's left movie-wise are things I've either seen (ex. Everything Everywhere All At Once, The Fabelmans, The Banshees of Inersherin, Elvis, The Batman, etc), or things I don't care about seeing (The Good Nurse, The Woman King, Blonde).

(The TV shows, with the exception of "George and Tammy" on Showtime, are things I can see either on my streaming channels or Jane's. Though that said, it was nice not to have to schlep to Jane's place to watch The White Lotus...though I do still have to go there to finish off Season One, since the screener was just for the current season.)

So with what remains of the day, I'll probably watch one of the movies I've seen already that I really liked (Like "Everything Everywhere" or "Fabelmans"), while feeling lightly guilty for not watching one of the ones I haven't seen. Or doing chores. Or drawing pictures (I'm good at feeling guilty for whatever it is that I'm not doing).

Who knows? The evening lies before me, and I can do anything with it I choose.

(Even laundry, if I get really crazy.)

(Till next time...)

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