Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

3:32 pm - Sunday, Sept. 03, 2006


Thurs 8/31/06 (1:28 p.m.)

Interesting day yesterday...

Before I went to bed Tuesday night, I made the mistake of checking my bank balance (I'd been avoiding it, since if I don't actually see a problem, it doesn't exist).

So of course, when I saw I was going to be about $80 short of even being able to pay rent--let alone eat, or pay any other bills--it made for an especially ragged night of pseudo-sleep.

(Let me say again--I already knew I was in trouble, I just hadn't wanted to face up to it.)

When I got up, groggy and depressed, I tried to think of what I was going to do; Suddenly my previous idea of charging everything I could, and borrowing money on a credit card for the rest, seemed pretty nutty (Then what would I do next month, when I'd have all the same bills, plus hundreds more dollars in credit-card debt?).

I couldn't ask Cary, cause he just helped me get through July.

I didn't want to ask Kevin, because...well, because I haven't crossed that line with him and I really don’t want to (I’m on the hook to enough people at this point).

I even considered asking JS for some money--he knows I've got money coming, after all--but decided that 1) He'd probably say no, and it would be embarrassing for both of us, and 2) talk about a "line being crossed"...! I want to be his “client”, not his “debtor”.

But the idea that I do actually have money coming my way made me feel kinda-sorta-but-not-really okay about calling Mark and Jane; at least this time out, I can actually get the money they're lending me back to them in a couple weeks.

(They Western-Union'ed me $300, which I picked up in the late afternoon.)
Sun 9/3/06 (1:41 p.m.)

Now where was I...?

Of course, the very next day after borrowing the money from Mark and Jane, what should come in the mail?

Well, my Gilmore Girls check, of course (I didn’t think I’d get be getting it in time to save me from this month’s bills). I wanted to kick myself–now I was out the $40 it cost M&J to send me the money–but how could I have known?

Anyway, back to Wednesday...

After talking with Mark and Jane, I went to the QueensCare clinic on 8th street, for my first doctor’s appointment (This was my third attempt to get in–the first time, they had to call me to re-schedule, then I went in, and the doctor I was supposed to see didn’t actually work there anymore. But anyway...).

My appointment time was 9:15 (And I’d gotten there shortly before 9:00). The place was packed, with lots of children running around–it’s a “family clinic”–and I didn’t get out till shortly after noon.

I’d gone in primarily because of a persistent “tickle” in my throat, and a nail fungus I haven’t been able to successfully deal with on my own. But I also had questions about the dark circles under my eyes (Would the right allergy medication help?), and my sleep apnea situation.

The general health questionaire I filled out as a first-time patient asked, amongst other things, if I was “depressed”. And...well, since I am depressed, I said “yes”.

When the doctor saw that, she gave me a more in-depth questionaire about my depression, and sent me back outside to fill it out, while she attended to more patients.

I filled it out, and as I waited for the doctor to see me again, I started to lose my composure. I don’t know what happened, exactly. I just felt things crashing down on me.

And when the doctor was ready to see me again, and started asking about the questionaire–apparently, I had scored high enough for concern--I actually started crying.

I was horrified.

The doctor immediately gave me a prescription for Prozac, and the address for a county mental health clinic on Vine street (She was pretty insistent I go that day, if possible–I think she would have driven me there herself if she hadn’t had more patients–but I had a commercial audition later in the afternoon, and couldn’t go. I’m going to go soon, though. Maybe tomorrow).

The doctor examined me, did a throat culture, had me scheduled for a blood test (This Tuesday), and gave me some cough syrup for my throat.

So it took me a while to actually get in, and it took my entire morning, but they were pretty attentive to my needs once I did get in.

But now the big story in my mind–and I imagine in yours as well–is the whole “crying in the doctor’s office/depression thing”.

I’ve been struggling a lot, ever since after the Gilmore Girls shoot, really. I’ve been angry, stressed, depressed, and...well, just not good, for a good period of the time.

I don’t know that I’d define myself as “depressed” in a clinical sense, but it’s hard to guage (As Jane suggested in an email I have yet to respond to)–At what point does an appropriate response to difficult circumstances–feeling “frustrated” or “sad”-- shade over into bonafide “depression”? Sometimes–for me, anyway–it’s hard to know.

I just know I’ve been feeling under huge amounts of stress, I feel like my head’s in a vise, and I wish I would get some breathing room (Right now, financially, I have about 30 days “breathing room”; barring unforeseen circumstances, I’ll be in the very same situation next month...minus the Gilmore Girls money).

I did have a good commercial audition Wednesday. Not a national, but a fun spot–maybe two fun spots–for some water conservation group in Neveda (The callbacks were supposed to be Friday, but with the holiday and all, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d gotten postponed). So at least there’s potentially “something in the hopper” that could pay off/pan out; I got a great response from the casting people, and I would be shocked if I didn’t at least get a callback out of it.

The second audition for The Loop, on Tuesday, turned out to be pretty disappointing, and part of what threw me into further into a funk.

I just couldn’t figure out how to distinguish myself from anyone else doing the bit. And then I realized–or thought I realized–that there was no “distinguishing myself” to be done; it was just going to come down to what faces they liked with other faces.

And I know that’s just “the name of the game” much of the time, but I struggle not to get upset about that–If I see the sides, and think to myself “Anyone could do this...”, I never feel like I’m going to be the name drawn from the hat.

I guess it comes down to wanting to feel, even if you’re fooling yourself, that you have at least some measure of control over the situation, that by virtue of your talent, or personality, or whatever, you can swing things to your favor.

Well, this isn’t done, really, but I desperately need to catch a nap before work today...


previous - next

0 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!