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1:47 pm - Thursday, Dec. 28, 2006
Fighting The Funk

Fighting The Funk

Thurs 12/28/06 (11:38 a.m.)

Fell myself slipping into a bit of a funk.

Looks like I’m not going to be one of the JS’ers going out on an audition this week. Which means, in all likelihood, nothing’s going to happen till-at least-the middle of next month (Unless I get a callback for the Legacy Foundation anti-smoking thing on the 4th. But I don’t want to put all my eggs in that particular basket, then have it fall through).

I don’t know if/when I’ll get a callback for Leatherheads (I’m assuming there’ll be callbacks; it would be nice if I just got a call from Brett and Molly saying I was cast, but I’m not counting on that). I have no clear idea about the “turn-around time” on movie casting. I just know it’s much slower than television.

And I’m starting to think I need to pull back from expecting too much from the coming “pilot season”; yes, I’m in a better position than I’ve been in the past, with representation and some credits, and I’m fully expecting to get out more. I’m also expecting to book more. But I don’t want to set myself up for a fall, for example, if I “only” get five or six gigs, when I wanted ten or twelve (Or if acting, once again, merely supplements my meager ArcLight income, instead of getting me out of ArcLight altogether, which is the dream).

That’s a tough line for me; I’ve come to think it’s important to have goals, and to know what I want out of a coming year–I think if you’re clear about what you want, it’s more likely to happen--but at the same time, I know me, and know that, emotionally, I can easily “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory”, by being disappointed that my victories were not bigger victories. Or as Jane often says, by “focusing on the black spot on the white piece of paper”.

Xmas Day at ArcLight was, in a word, not much fun.

Actually, for a time, dealing with a zillion people in a service environment can get me keyed up and excited (Though that might be a touch of hysteria we’re talking about here, instead of honest-to-goodness happiness...). But what happens, inevitably, is that my reserves of nervous energy/Xmas cheer/what-have-you, run out, while the people just keep coming.

And coming.

And coming.

And coming.

And I want to lie down, but I can’t. I want to go home, but I can’t. I start wanting to curse, scream, cry, hit someone–sometimes all at the same time--but none of those options are available to me. And I start thinking about how all the people coming in have the day off, and I don’t. And how just about all those people are going to have Xmas vacations, and I’m not. And I notice how many of these people are coming in with loved ones, while I’m alone. And I think about all the mistakes I’ve made in my life that have led to this point (Like “Dante” in Clerks, I think “I’m not even supposed to be here...!”).

And in the case of ArcLight, I think about how I not only didn’t get Xmas day off, and I’m not going to have any “Xmas vacation”, but due to the “demands of the business”, I’ve actually been drafted to work extra days this week and next.

I want to be done with ArcLight, and the kind of crap jobs I’ve had all my life. As I said during a conversation with Mark and Jane on Xmas morning, I’ve spent the first part of my adult life doing shit I could care less about, so I want to spend the last part doing what I really want to do.

Okay, that’s the end of the whining...

On the good side, I continued to get some nice things in the day or two after Xmas; I got a dvd of my Bahamas commercial from the ad agency (So Cary, if you’re reading this, you can take the spot off your Tivo), and another Target g.c. from Gail, meaning I now have an almost $200 Target shopping spree awaiting me.

And speaking of the commercial, more and more people are reporting having seen it–I’ve even gotten some comments from ArcLight guests, so I’m kinda/sorta a “celebrity”-and I should be getting the Internet check any day now (I expect to get that before I get any residuals).

And in recent weeks, I’ve gone to the movies twice with Casey R., who’s my best bud at ArcLight (We saw Letters From Iwo Jima last week, and The Good Shepherd yesterday; of the two, “Letters” was my fave, but I thought they were both quite good).

And next month, I have “my stories” to look forward to again (“Gray’s Anatomy”, “Heroes”, “Ugly Betty”, the newly revived “Must See Thursday” block of NBC comedies, etc.).

And I start up again with the casting workshops next month (My first one is on the 4th). Those almost always make me feel hopeful.

And even though I said I need to guard against expecting too much from the coming “pilot season”, I can’t help but be excited about the possibilities. Whatever happens, I pretty much know it’s going to be better than previous “pilot seasons”, because in “previous ‘pilot seasons’”, I was, as I think I’ve said before, pretty much invisible.

So there’s reason to feel good, and be hopeful about the coming year. I’m just feeling a bit worn out and at loose ends right now, a combo that often leaves me struggling against “the bad thoughts”.

But struggle I shall...


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