1:47 pm - Thursday, Dec. 28, 2006
Fighting The Funk

Thurs 12/28/06 (11:38 a.m.)

Fell myself slipping into a bit of a funk.

Looks like I�m not going to be one of the JS�ers going out on an audition this week. Which means, in all likelihood, nothing�s going to happen till-at least-the middle of next month (Unless I get a callback for the Legacy Foundation anti-smoking thing on the 4th. But I don�t want to put all my eggs in that particular basket, then have it fall through).

I don�t know if/when I�ll get a callback for Leatherheads (I�m assuming there�ll be callbacks; it would be nice if I just got a call from Brett and Molly saying I was cast, but I�m not counting on that). I have no clear idea about the �turn-around time� on movie casting. I just know it�s much slower than television.

And I�m starting to think I need to pull back from expecting too much from the coming �pilot season�; yes, I�m in a better position than I�ve been in the past, with representation and some credits, and I�m fully expecting to get out more. I�m also expecting to book more. But I don�t want to set myself up for a fall, for example, if I �only� get five or six gigs, when I wanted ten or twelve (Or if acting, once again, merely supplements my meager ArcLight income, instead of getting me out of ArcLight altogether, which is the dream).

That�s a tough line for me; I�ve come to think it�s important to have goals, and to know what I want out of a coming year�I think if you�re clear about what you want, it�s more likely to happen--but at the same time, I know me, and know that, emotionally, I can easily �snatch defeat from the jaws of victory�, by being disappointed that my victories were not bigger victories. Or as Jane often says, by �focusing on the black spot on the white piece of paper�.

Xmas Day at ArcLight was, in a word, not much fun.

Actually, for a time, dealing with a zillion people in a service environment can get me keyed up and excited (Though that might be a touch of hysteria we�re talking about here, instead of honest-to-goodness happiness...). But what happens, inevitably, is that my reserves of nervous energy/Xmas cheer/what-have-you, run out, while the people just keep coming.

And coming.

And coming.

And coming.

And I want to lie down, but I can�t. I want to go home, but I can�t. I start wanting to curse, scream, cry, hit someone�sometimes all at the same time--but none of those options are available to me. And I start thinking about how all the people coming in have the day off, and I don�t. And how just about all those people are going to have Xmas vacations, and I�m not. And I notice how many of these people are coming in with loved ones, while I�m alone. And I think about all the mistakes I�ve made in my life that have led to this point (Like �Dante� in Clerks, I think �I�m not even supposed to be here...!�).

And in the case of ArcLight, I think about how I not only didn�t get Xmas day off, and I�m not going to have any �Xmas vacation�, but due to the �demands of the business�, I�ve actually been drafted to work extra days this week and next.

I want to be done with ArcLight, and the kind of crap jobs I�ve had all my life. As I said during a conversation with Mark and Jane on Xmas morning, I�ve spent the first part of my adult life doing shit I could care less about, so I want to spend the last part doing what I really want to do.

Okay, that�s the end of the whining...

On the good side, I continued to get some nice things in the day or two after Xmas; I got a dvd of my Bahamas commercial from the ad agency (So Cary, if you�re reading this, you can take the spot off your Tivo), and another Target g.c. from Gail, meaning I now have an almost $200 Target shopping spree awaiting me.

And speaking of the commercial, more and more people are reporting having seen it�I�ve even gotten some comments from ArcLight guests, so I�m kinda/sorta a �celebrity�-and I should be getting the Internet check any day now (I expect to get that before I get any residuals).

And in recent weeks, I�ve gone to the movies twice with Casey R., who�s my best bud at ArcLight (We saw Letters From Iwo Jima last week, and The Good Shepherd yesterday; of the two, �Letters� was my fave, but I thought they were both quite good).

And next month, I have �my stories� to look forward to again (�Gray�s Anatomy�, �Heroes�, �Ugly Betty�, the newly revived �Must See Thursday� block of NBC comedies, etc.).

And I start up again with the casting workshops next month (My first one is on the 4th). Those almost always make me feel hopeful.

And even though I said I need to guard against expecting too much from the coming �pilot season�, I can�t help but be excited about the possibilities. Whatever happens, I pretty much know it�s going to be better than previous �pilot seasons�, because in �previous �pilot seasons��, I was, as I think I�ve said before, pretty much invisible.

So there�s reason to feel good, and be hopeful about the coming year. I�m just feeling a bit worn out and at loose ends right now, a combo that often leaves me struggling against �the bad thoughts�.

But struggle I shall...

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