8:15 am - FRI 11/01/02
The Entry Where I Demonstrate, Once Again, My Ability To Spin Gold Into Straw

There have been a couple "developments" since I last wrote...

On Wednesday, I checked my voicemail while at work, and there was one message (In response to a headshot I'd sent out on Monday).

It was for a play--the listing in Backstage was for an "Untitled Dramatic Project"--and after an awkward conversation with the producer/director (Not the first time that's happened in this circumstance, interestingly enough), I made an appointment to audition Saturday morning.

It's another "freebie"--Naturally--and it's being done at The Complex, which is just a couple doors down from the Coleman & Smith on Santa Monica, where I did Crossing the Line (And was going to do Corpus Christi. Thought about going to see Corpus Christi, by the way, but thought that would be a tad masochistic of me).

I'd like to be more excited than I am about all this, but 1)Jimmy really wants to get paid (At the bookstore, there's been a cutback in payroll for the past number of weeks), and 2)It's hard for Jimmy to get excited about a play, a director, and a venue he doesn't know (And did I mention it doesn't pay?).

There's also--and I'm embarrassed to admit this--some hesitancy over doing a play, because I'm afraid a full schedule of nightly rehearsals might force me to drive more, which would mean parking more (But that's one of those things that may end up being a "non-issue"-- especially since it's not that far from either work or home--so there's no point in worrying about it now). I'm embarrassed to admit that I hesitate to do this thing I supposedly love to do, because it might be inconvenient, but there it is.

Anyway, all worry and hesitancy aside, kudos to me for getting the headshot out there, and acting with all deliberate speed to make the appointment (The point of this little essay shouldn't be that I have doubts, but that I have doubts and am forging ahead anyway.

I looked, at work and at home, for a suitable contemporary dramatic monologue, but didn't find anything. So I ended up checking out a monologue book and am doing something from there (A piece from Other People's Money. For any young actors out there, this is not what you're supposed to do--you really need to read the play beforehand--But I think I read the play years back. Or at least I saw the movie. But anyway...).

For most of my "career" to date, I haven't had to have a prepared monologue, and I don't feel very comfortable with it. I'm woefully illiterate when it comes to plays, for one thing, and have a hard time judging what's an "appropriate" piece; You have to find something you're comfortable with, something appropriate to your type, something that fits what's being done (Comedy, Drama, Classical, Contemporary), and hopefully something that shows them you can do the particular thing you're up for (I'd much rather read from the script, and have all this guesswork taken out of the equation).

I just wish my first response to this sort of thing was to be excited and hopeful, instead of anxious and afraid. But whatever my "first response" happens to be, I have to do something, and this is something to do.

The other thing that happened recently is potentially even more fraught with peril...

For awhile now, I've had my eye on a woman, a regular customer at work, and after a long preamble, consisting of brief conversations over the past number of weeks, I finally asked her out Wednesday.

And she said "yes".

Her name is Cressandra. She's tall and slim, attractive, with long dark hair, and while I don't know exactly how old she is, her appearance and our brief conversations would indicate we're at least in the same ballpark.

Not being very good at this sort of thing, I babbled something about "going out for coffee sometime, if your husband or boyfriend wouldn't mind..." (Ha Ha Ha).

She said, "I am dating someone...but sure". She then said she had a writing deadline--I guessed she might be a writer. She's always on her laptop up in the cafe--and wouldn't be able to do anything till after the 4th.

We exchanged numbers, and that's where we left things (One of the difficulties in getting anything going here, in addition to my ineptitude and fear, has been that I'm at work, and am usually supposed to be somewhere else whenever I'm talking to her).

Again, this should be a happy thing, and again, kudos to me for finally getting up the nerve to ask.

But once again, I'm way more "anxious" and "afraid" than I am "happy".

I don't think I'd be quite as anxious if there wasn't some other guy in the picture. Granted, it's hard to imagine another guy being as smart and funny as Yours Truly, but it's also hard to imagine another guy being as low on the financial totem pole as Yours Truly (But the up-side on that front? She already knows where I work).

And where's the money for me to date with, assuming this gets past a first date?

Yada yada yada, blah blah blah...I'm falling into my regular pattern here, where feeling anxiety and upset makes me mad at myself, which is no good.

I'm going out for a show I don't know much about, that I don't know if I want to do, and sticking my toe into the dating pool for the first time in years, so some fear and anxiety is natural, normal, and completely understandable. Nothing to be upset with myself about, nothing that should cause me to spiral into some deep depression.

It only becomes a big deal if I let those feelings stop me from taking a chance. And I'm not going to do that.

I just have to remind myself that this stuff is scary, but also very positive. And the potential up-side is huge, while the down-side is nothing I haven't dealt with before.

But I do wish I felt happier about all this...

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