Uncertain - Sun 4/27/14
Feeling Good (About Myself)

Went to WW earlier today - As a member, not an employee.

(I'd been going for awhile on Sunday mornings, since I wasn't working, but then the meeting in West LA picked up again, so I was back working as the #2 there. But that meeting's fallen off again - for weeks now, actually - so the only thing that's prevented me from going back to the meeting at Beverly has been my own inertia. But anyway...)

The news regarding my weight was't good - really, why would it have been? - and I was struggling, and struggling hard, with letting that get me down afterwards.

But as I actually said during the meeting, I think succeeding (with losing/re-losing my weight, and pretty much at anything else), has nothing to do with me being angry at myself or depressed about the situation, and everything to do with, as much as possible, draining that negative shit out of things.

And getting myself back to meetings is a good first step.

I've wondered, a lot, just why I've been mired in the current, over-my-weight-goal situation for so long (I think, at this point, I've been "over-goal" for at least as long as I was "at-goal" once I hit "Lifetime" status).

I don't know that I've come up with a definitive answer to the question "Why are you just letting yourself be a big fat guy again?", but part of it has to do with there really being no reason not to; over-eating is comforting (In the moment, at least, eating makes me feel better...and I feel bad pretty much all the time), while there really hasn't been that much of a "reward" for losing my weight, comparatively speaking (And maybe even less of one for keeping it off, which, as I said, I did for the first couple years after becoming Lifetime).

(Editor's note: I just deleted a long section delineating benefits I'd hoped to get from my weight loss that didn't happen, because who really cares?)

Mon 4/28/14 (12:45 pm)

Where was I...?

I've given a great deal of thought to why I haven't done anything about being over my weight goal (By a lot), and it basically comes down to, "I'm not sufficiently motivated" (Either by potential rewards or possible punishments).

But I was thinking about it on Saturday, and the one clear "down-side" to my being overweight is, simply, "It makes me feel bad".

I was proud of myself when I lost my weight, and was keeping it off. I like myself better as a skinny guy. When I look at that guy, that feels like who I'm supposed to be.

Being halfway back to where I started makes me angry at myself. And I'm embarrassed that I work at WW and have let things go this wrong for so long now - I feel like a fucking hypocrite any time I talk to a member like I know something.

And that leads to a question I've been asking myself pretty much all my life - "Why is it seemingly okay for me to stay in situations, and to behave in ways, that make me feel bad?".

I don't want to go "into the weeds" here, and have the rest of this entry be about "What's wrong with me?", cause that's not the point.

The point is that I want to change the dynamic, and have the point of however-much-time-I-have-left to be "doing things that make me feel good about myself".

It will take more effort than just passively accepting feeling bad...but I'm guessing that effort will - eventually - be worth it.

I read that in a book once...

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