8:38 am - Thurs 7.29.2010
Good Enough For Now

(Since it covers part of what I wanted to write about, and since I'm lazy, the first part of this entry is the email I wrote Jane Z.)

I start this email not knowing exactly how I feel...which I guess is better than earlier today, when my car stalled a couple times on the way to my WW meetings in Santa Monica, and again on the way back home (On the way back I was on the freeway; for some reason, I take surface streets to get TO the meetings, but the freeway going home).

After the second time I stalled on the freeway, I was able to get over to the shoulder and call AAA (Which once again had me thinking of my AAA membership as "The Best Investment Ever"). So at this writing, the car is "in the shop", getting a new radiator and other stuff I can't remember.

I wasn't thrilled about all this, as you can imagine.

Part of "not knowing exactly how I feel" concerns not knowing what the damage is gonna be (the "new radiator and other stuff I can't remember", costing around $450, might be "tip of the iceberg" stuff) - but I received a small commercial residual check in today's mail, and JS has a larger one waiting for me in his office (Which he called to tell me I could pick up this week, or else wait for him to mail out NEXT week), so I'm HOPING that, worst case scenario, the fiscal "status quo" is maintained...shaky as it may be.

While I know it's not REALLY happening this way, I feel like "Everything's breaking down at once...!" - The bike, the car...and the man who operates them.

(It's true that the bike and the car have broken down in quick succession, but MY "breakdown" started YEARS ago!)

Anyway...

Change IS tough, isn't it? Even if it's something as positive as getting a new computer - which I'd say, on the whole, IS a pretty positive thing - it can feel overwhelming. I think there's "fear of failure" in there somewhere, the fear being that "I'm not going to be able to master this new situation/technology/what-have-you". I don't know exactly what we can do about that, except to, perhaps, remind ourselves of all the changes we've already successfully mastered on our way to being us.

I also get upset about change because it makes me feel powerless. I get mad sometimes when things change, because "There's not a damn thing I can do about it!". But as I said to someone recently, "Being mad because things change is basically being mad at life"...and there's not really much purpose to being mad at life.

Interesting thoughts/commentary on the group thing...

I think one thing I'm struggling with is a too-vague sense of what I WANT from it. So when things get frustrating, I don't have a very clear sense of "the greater good", if you know what I mean. I'm motivated enough, for now, to keep going, but I continue to not really quite know WHY...and I think it would HELP me to know why.

Well, I could drone on...but I'll save something for Diaryland.

I've started sweating my finances again, because my commercials haven't turned out to be the big money-makers I'd hoped they'd be, my two tv jobs in the first half of the year are seeming like ancient history, they're actually closing WW meetings here in LA (Because of low attendance), and things have been pretty quiet, acting-wise, since I got back from Michigan in June.

So "an expensive car repair" is not on the list of "Things I'd Like In My Life" right now.

But what can you do?

To quote Socrates, "Shit happens".

I have to eliminate from my fiscal thinking - from my thinking in general, really - the idea that "If absolutely nothing goes wrong, I'll be okay..."; that keeps me in a perpetual state of anxiety that something will go wrong...as things tend to do in this imperfect world we live in.

Instead, I want to foster the idea that "If/when things go wrong, I'll be able to deal".

And that's not an unrealistic, Pollyanna-ish thing to say; if I hadn't been able to "deal" when circumstances didn't go my way, I wouldn't be here today.

I just have to remember that.

Not every single day, not every single minute...but a lot.

It's a little more than just feeling "out-of-sorts" - more like feeling like crying a lot of the time, wondering "What's the point?", experiencing a rising panic over my future (Or lack of same), etc.

And I'm feeling increasingly stuck and alone when I feel this way.

And I've noticed that I've basically quit talking/writing about it - Maybe acknowledging feeling "bad", but not really letting on about just how bad "bad" is.

Clearly, I've lived long enough to know that it's not "polite" to share feeling like shit with casual acquaintances - and that's mostly all I've got (On a day-to-day basis) but there should be some place where I feel free to be honest about where I'm at.

Like group therapy perhaps?

Or individual counseling?

Or maybe in a journal?

I think that's what I need to do when I've fallen into a serious funk - Check the "reality of my situation".

The car thing isn't fun, and I'd prefer it not be happening, but it's not the end of the world.

And my ever-present bundle of worries and things to feel sad about? Well, I can't say that they're ridiculous - I'm a single guy, pushing 50, with no family, no savings, and a very shaky source of income. there's reasonable concerns to be drawn from that set of facts - but in the here-and-now, which is pretty much all that I know I have, I'm okay.

And on that upbeat (?) note, I'm going to hop in the shower (It's moving towards 10 am, and I told JS I'd pop by his office around 11:00).

I think what's been bothering me lately is that I'm having a very hard time convincing myself "I'm going to be okay".

And realistically, there's no way for me to know that I am.

But I'm okay now. And that's going to have to be enough.

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