11:15 pm - Mon 1/6/03
This entry really got AWAY from me

I realize it's now the textbook definition of "old news", but I haven't written about what I did on New Years Eve, and I think it's important; Otherwise, you're left with the impression that I spent the night sobbing into my pillow (And that was the original plan. But things didn't end up working out that way).

I actually spent the night with Brad W., my friend from work, the guy who's been very generous with loaning out his DVDs (Currently on loan? Three Days Of The Condor and The Parallax View).

He'd had a potential thing with a friend of his, but when that morphed into a thing with his friend and some other people, people he apparently didn't want to spend New Year's Eve with, he asked if I had plans, and if I didn't, would I like to do something?

And since all I had planned was the aforementioned sobbing, I said "sure".

(Now at this point, I'm tempted to say we went to a club and danced the night away, but that wouldn't quite be the truth; Actually, we went to an LA landmark called Canters, a bakery/deli/restaurant/bar, where we ate--He had the Turkey Salad, I had a Reuben, and we both had the potato salad, potato salad so good I told Brad I wanted to fill my bathtub with it and just go to town--and drank a gallon of coffee while we chatted, waiting for midnight to roll around.)

I like Brad (And not just because he's loaning me all those DVDs!). He's smart, for one thing--smarter than Yours Truly, if you can believe that!--He's funny, and I enjoy the fact that while he looks like a straight arrow, he's actually kind of twisted.

Anyway, that was New Year's Eve.

_________________________________________________

I've had a rough couple of days at work.

It's been a bad, almost lethal combination of boredom, fatigue, and general holiday letdown (Boredom and fatigue alone will typically do me in--it's a pretty effective one-two punch in terms of killing my will to live--but when you add " general holiday letdown" to the mix...Well, let's just say it's a wonder no one's gotten hurt! But so far, I've gotten through these intense bad feelings without cutting my throat at the info counter, or beating a customer to death with a hardcover of War and Peace. And you may not see it this way, but to me, I'm a bonafide "Profile in Courage" here! ).

I try to keep my anti-work feelings under wraps here, for the most part (If you think I'm pretty open about how much I don't like work, trust me--You don't have a clue).

I know there are a number of Puritans out there--And I'm thinking of one Puritan in particular here--who would not look kindly upon this sentiment, but here it is--I. Don't. Like. Work.

Sue me.

I've just never gotten anything out of it. I was never praised for a job well done. I've never found it spiritually fulfilling, or emotionally satisfying, and God knows I haven't found it financially rewarding!

On the other hand, have I felt bored while working, so bored I wanted to die? Have I felt frustrated? Have I felt like there's no point to whatever-it-was I was doing? Have I felt like I'm only working to keep myself alive in order to do more work?

You betcha.

That's one of the basic, primal appeals of acting for me; Before I got up on a stage, I have no memory of anyone ever saying I was good at anything (Forget about anyone saying I was good at anything; I don't think anyone ever even noticed me!).

This work thing has dogged me all my life. And I know some of my closest friends would not, do not, understand that. I think the general consensus is that you have to spend a lot of time doing things you don't want to do in life. That's "just the way it is".

But 40 hours a week? Week after week, year after year, until you're too old and tired to do it any more? Then you die?

Really?

(Hmmm...kind of surprised myself there...)

"I'm not going to be ashamed of what I have. I earned it."

Yes, yes you did. Congratulations.

Obviously, I'm missing something here. A part is missing, a piece has malfunctioned, the machine is not firing on all cylinders.

Why can't I just get to do something I want to do? I'm not proposing that someone pay me for sitting at home and jerking off all day.

But I want it all. I want to do the one thing I want to do, and I desperately don't want to do anything else. I know what I want to do, I just want to get to do it.

And why not? Why is life, why is my life, spent in perpetual frustration over how tired and bored I am? How pointless it all seems? How lonely I am? How life is flying by and I feel like I'm just watching it all from behind a thick pane of glass?

Why are things going this way? I genuinely don't understand.

Surprise surprise surprise...not so much that I feel like this, but that I'm saying it.

I haven't been able to stick with things. I was thinking about it today--"I always just want to be there", I wrote in my "pocket journal". I always just want to be in the middle of things, but I never am. I'm always feeling like I'm just starting, and don't know what I'm doing, or else I just missed whatever was going on, and now it's too late.

(Am I babbling? Rambling? I'm trying to do this quickly, but I guess it may come at the price of some coherence.)

Actually, things are getting off to a pretty fast start this year, in terms of acting; I sent out headshots on the 3rd, I have a commercial audition tomorrow, and auditions for two student films on Friday and Saturday.

And I think one of the things that bothering me right now is how my first response to these things, emotionally, was to panic. To feel almost overwhelming stress. And when I feel that, it really bothers me; This is supposed to be the good stuff (Well, not the good stuff--the good stuff is actually getting to act--but at least the stuff that's getting me to "The good stuff").

And I thought, "How come this can't be the only thing my life is about right now? How come the thing I want to do is the thing I have to sneak in from around the edges of my life?". I honestly think that if my life were just about going to this audition and that, that would be just about all the adversity I'd need for "character building" purposes.

Suddenly I don't want to do this anymore...

(Don't panic. I just mean I don't want to write anymore tonite)

previous - next