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9:18 AM - SAT 8.14.21 I'm not sure, but I think the drugs might be kicking in... I've been doing the Wellbutrin for a while now - Maybe two months? - and since I've never done it before, really (And thus, don't know exactly what to expect), my big questions have been, "When will it kick in?", "What's it going to do to me/for me?", and "How will I know it's doing it?". I guess the time it starts to work varies by person, and relief of physical symptoms (Sleeplessness, low energy, etc) starts happening sooner than the relief of depression part. But I've guessed what taking an antidepressant might be like, assuming it's the right one for me and is "working", is that unhappy events would still register as unhappy events but wouldn't "hit me so hard", and I wouldn't find myself depressed "for no reason" (ex. feeling like crying while in public). That's what I'm looking for, anyway. And that seems to be where I am right now. I noticed being happier-than-usual last week, when I had a couple of auditions that felt good, I had a Cameo, and I was enjoying spending time with Jane during her last week in town for a while. Which all makes sense - Why not be happy with those things going on? But this week, I realized one of those auditions didn't go anywhere (The other one is still "open", far as I know), there were no new auditions, no Cameos, Jane left for Santa Fe (And is gone till October), and there was nothing on my schedule this week but PT and a visit to my Orthopedist...but I'm okay. (Crap! My neighbor just texted me about his cat - Yesterday I told him he could borrow my car to take him/her/it to the vet today - reminding me I'm trapped here when I wanted to go out and take advantage of national "Free Comic Book Day", which I just realized was today. But maybe I can just give him the car keys and head out on my bike...? Anyway...) And beyond "not falling into depression because there isn't anything to specifically feel happy about", I don't seem to be stressing as much over my chronic stressors (Wondering if/when my unemployment will kick in again, wondering if I'm ever going to book something from a voiceover/self-tape audition, worrying about my iffy finances, worrying about mortality - my own and that of my few friends - and so on). While I can't be sure this isn't just a coincidental upturn in my mood, if this is "better living through chemistry", I kinda dig it. (Just texted my neighbor - "Can I just give you my keys, because I want to leave my apartment and don't want to be trapped here while you try to wrangle your cat?" - and he just got back to me to say he's postponing the vet visit tomorrow, so we're good to go...) And you know what? I thought I was going to "come back to this" and "finish it later"...but I just decided it's finished now. Till next time...
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