10:55 AM - 09.25.19
(Well, this will be interesting - I asked my Google device to set an alarm for one hour, so curious how much writing will happen in that time. Basically hoping to "speed up" my journal writing, and think a timer might help me focus. So anyway...here we go!)
Just posted an entry I wrote on Monday while I was shooting Shameless.
Re-reading it, I saw some clear foreshadowing about what happened later that night.
The day wasn't terrible, by any stretch of the imagination. There were lots of laughs, and I had that nice, feeling-a-part-of-things sense that sometimes eludes me on-set (And often eludes me in real life. But I digress...).
But alongside the laughs and the feeling of belonging was a lot of underlying disappointment and anger; I was unhappy with myself about not performing better (I'd been oddly half-assed about preparing for the day), frustrated with the battle to get online with my Chromebook (which I'd been looking forward to breaking out), and disappointed how I handled food (I went in wanting to restrain myself from overeating and, in particular, eating a lot of shit. But while I think I did better than if I hadn't went into the day with that intention...it still wasn't good).
In the evening, was writing about the day, expressing the sentiments I just expressed (Along with one that will become relevant in a moment - "When I look at my body in the mirror these days, I just want to punch myself in my fat fucking face").
I'm actually a little vague on the details here...I don't remember if I talked to Jane R. first then started writing afterward or was writing first, then we talked on the phone and I went back to my writing, or what - but at one point I was talking to Jane about my day and her day and our thing, and what-all and I remember at one point telling her "I feel so sour". I literally felt myself growing angrier and unhappier about my day (I remember trying to "rein myself in", with Jane's help, but I couldn't really shake this growing unhappiness and, as it turned out, anger at myself)
I was tired, and she was tired, and neither of us were our usual sparkling conversationalists, so by mutual agreement, it was a comparatively short conversation.
Then I either started writing or went back to writing...and I don't remember why it happened - what "triggered" me exactly - but suddenly I was clubbing myself in the head over and over (I actually stood up at one point so I could get more momentum, so I could do it harder).
When that...failed to satisfy, I started hitting myself in the face (Not "punching myself", exactly. More that "clubbing" thing I do to my head, so the palm-side of my fist is what's making contact).
While realizing this is all crazy, hitting myself in the face is even crazier, because I potentially do something I then have to explain somehow, which is humiliating.
And as an actor, my face is basically "The Moneymaker" (And I had an audition and a callback scheduled over the next two days. But more on those in a moment).
So I was trying to restrain myself...but I couldn't. At least I didn't in time, and I quickly raised a lump under my right eyebrow, that came down over much of my eyelid.
That stopped me.
I was horrified, and scared - "What the fuck did I just do??!!!" - and didn't know what to do next (Not only did I have a commercial audition the next day, but I had to work earlier in the morning).
It was late (Nearly 11 pm) and I wanted to call Mike F. (My therapist) or call Jane back, or figure out somebody I could talk to, but as sad and scared as I was, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
(The alarm just went off. Doesn't feel like much writing for an hour. But anyway...)
And the real, practical "order of business" anyway was to communicate with my commercial agent ("Hurt my face. Don't know if I can do the thing tomorrow") and try to get someone to work for me the next day at WW in the morning...which I did.
And I applied ice to the area, and considered how I had potentially just cost myself thousands of dollars because I really needed to hit myself in the face just then.
So...I have a problem.
As you might imagine, my latest self-harming episode was the lead topic of discussion in therapy the next day.
The session felt meaningful - basically the task ahead is to get my clearly displaced rage (Because "anger" doesn't seem to cover it) off of myself and onto where it belongs (And to figure out how to then process it more effectively) - but I felt desperate as we were wrapping up, saying almost tearfully to my therapist, "Give me something I can work with here to not do this!" (It's all very well and good to go into the weeds of why I do this and how to eventually not do this, but that isn't going to help me the next time I have a bad day on set, or can't get Internet or whatever-the-fuck sets me off).
So he asked me to "make a contract" with him, that when I have the urge to hit myself, instead I call him or Jane or someone (He also suggested going to the emergency room if there's no one available...but that's a non-started for me).
And while the idea of calling...whomever, to say "Hey, I really want to go to town on myself, do you have a moment to talk to me so I don't do that?" is deeply embarrassing, it's better than continuing to hurt myself, and dealing with the feeling that I'm a fucking crazy person.
So I'm going to try and make that happen.
Anyway, you're probably wondering how the auditions went (I would be, if I were you) - Did I go? Did I not go? - So I'll tell you what happened with that stuff.
Yesterday's audition wasn't till 4:00, and since my face had "calmed down" a bit overnight, I decided (And my agent agreed) that going was better than not going (I'd made it more unlikely that it would happen for me, but if I didn't go, it definitely wouldn't happen). I tried to rest and ice my face, and did makeup best I could (To at least mask the discoloration), and it went okay. I guess. Who knows? But I did it.
The other thing - today - was for a TV project I self-taped for a week ago. I was supposed to go to the actual office this time and do it again. Which, to be honest, I initially found really annoying - I don't like having to self-tape, and I'd spent $40 making it happen, so my first response was "Why didn't you just bring me in in the first fucking place?".
But I "got my mind right" fairly quickly (Thanks in part to a conversation about it with Jane); I didn't realize there was going to be this hoop to jump through and that was annoying...but the fact that I was being asked to jump through it demonstrated their interest based on the tape I'd done (Which I'm never sure anyone even watches) and put me squarely where I'd wanted to be in the first place - in their office.
And the project is another one of those secretive things where they don't tell you the title of the project and you audition with fake sides and you have to sign an NDA, so it's possible, like the last time that happened, that the role could be a bigger deal than the sides suggest.
Then last night I got a message from my agent - The session was cancelled.
There wasn't a lot of actual information in the message he forwarded me - The session was canceled, it would maybe be rescheduled, and the office would be closed today - so it's hard to know how to feel about it; on the one hand, it gives my face a chance to return to normal (I seem to have bruised my eyelid, which is something I wouldn't have known could even happen), and I wouldn't mind if they just cast me off the original tape (Why not?), but maybe it doesn't end up happening at all now, which would be a bummer.
I'd gotten a fill for work and decided to just let it slide (Rather than cancel it and go in), because, 1) I'm not nuts about my day job these days, and 2) I don't want to field questions about my face (Which looks better still today, but would still raise questions for a few nosy people)..
So that's where we are with that.
And I think that's more than enough for now.
So, till next time...
(2nd one-hour timer just went off.)
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