10:34 am - Sun 7/20/03
Some good news:
1. While calling JS yesterday to check on headshots, he informed me that he'd received my check for the HBO gig!
Still thinking I'd really like to get another gig before going back to Lansing, which gives me about a month-and-a-half.
Jane has expressed concerns about me getting something that would prevent my going back to Lansing in September; the odds are against that, but of course, if it happened, I'd have to roll with it (That would be a novel position for me to be in, not being able to do one thing I want to do because of another thing I want to do. Much more often, if I have a choice at all in a given situation, it's between "the lesser of two evils").
Here's something interesting; I'm starting to feel certain I'm going to be successful. I don't know how it's going to happen, I don't know to what extent, but I'm really feeling it; I'm going to be a working actor, and do what it is I came out here to do.
I have talent, I have a distinctive look, and I'm not leaving.
This is going to work out.
The dream is going to come true.
This is interesting to me in two ways; First, it's making me realize that I never really believed that before. I thought I did, but this feeling is so strange to me that I barely know how to process it.
The other thing is that it's not making me feel the way I thought it would. I guess I thought my days would be suffused with a warm, happy glow once I felt tapped on the shoulder by good fortune, by the knowledge that "There's really no reason you can't have this...".
But now I'm feeling more impatient to get out of the gate and really start running. I'm feeling like "Okay, I'm here and the next part of my life, the part where I'm living the life of my dreams, is over there. So how do I get from point "A" to point "B" as quickly as possible?"
That's not how I feel every minute of the day, but it's there; I want it, and I want it now. And it's not a pipe dream anymore; I'm going to actually make it happen.
And this speaks to some comments that people made regarding some of my recent ranting...
Jane, responding to the stuff about how much I want this, how I'm "not built to sustain life", etc and so forth, basically said (Amongst other things)that if I want it, I should go get it.
I have to agree.
And that was part of what I was trying to get at in my last entry; I feel like I need to get over what I'm missing in life, get over my fear and fatigue and whatever else is going on in the house of horrors of my subconscious, and just do this shit.
If I'm not "built to sustain life", then just admit that to myself and move on. Life, my genes, whatever, has bent me into a pretty interesting shape, and instead of bemoaning that, I should be using that...interestingness to my advantage.
The other thing was something that "Legion" said--And is that a cool screen name or what?--to the effect of "making the most of the good moments that come your way".
I think that's still something I'm not very good at. I take bad times, bad thoughts, bad moments, and blow them way out of proportion, while the good times, the happy feelings, the moments where I feel like everything is all right I barely notice.
Cause while I'm tired, and I get depressed or frustrated or what-have-you, in reality, my life is basically okay, and sometimes better than okay, much more often that not.
I have a lot of time to do what I want (This), I have a job I might have "issues" with, but that I enjoy more often than not, and I'm getting past my fear and lethargy and what-have-you to do what I think it is I'm here on Earth to do (Which is to perform in little skits for your viewing pleasure).
In short, it's really not that bad being me. Whatever I might say to the contrary.
And on that note, I'm going to sneak in a few more Zzzz's before work...
Oh, I wanted to say thanks to "Kookla", both for her comment in my guestbook, and for her nice mention of me in her diary (Somehow, I'm always pleasantly surprised at the idea that people sometimes think of me when I'm not around).
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