2:09 pm - Tue 12/10/02
There are, at this point in my life, at least a couple things I know...
1) Buying Cap'n Crunch cereal, even if it's on sale, isn't really a "bargain", since I'll then eat nothing but Cap'n Crunch for the next couple days.
2) Making a "To Do" list for the next day, even if there's just one or two things on it, is very helpful for me. With it, I wake up in the morning with the mindset that I need to get this or that or the other thing done; Without it, I'll get up, and the first thing I'll do is log onto the computer, then maybe watch some tv, then take a nap, then before I know it, it's time to get ready for work, and nothing has been accomplished.
Once you really know certain things, you can't make excuses anymore. You either have to act upon what you know, or else admit to yourself that you want to gorge on kiddie cereal, or that you really don't want to get anything done on a given day.
Like with getting drunk...It's been many years now since I've gotten drunk--I hardly drink at all anymore--and while that has partly to do with a lack of social opportunity, and partly with the fact that hangovers don't get better with age, it mostly had to do with understanding what I was getting drunk for; When I drank too much, it always had something to do with having an opportunity, an excuse, to vent my feelings. And whether those feelings were positive (As they sometimes were), or negative (As was more often the case), it was never a good thing.
So I've had the urge to drink to excess a couple times since being out here, but knowing what I know, I know it's not a good idea (But it's also pretty easy not to act on that bad idea when I know it'll mean a blinding headache and puking my guts out the next day. Come to think of it, it would be kind of nice if that happened every time I was threatening to do something stupid or destructive...)
Not been feeling very good the past couple days, physically or otherwise, but I'm not taking it lying down (Actually, sometimes I have "taken it lying down"--I've become very dependent on those pre-work naps I mention in here--but you know what I mean...).
On one front, I recently offered my storytime services to John O., and we're probably going to start doing that within the next few weeks, on Saturday mornings.
One thing I realized, regarding the whole storytime thing, was that while one point of resistance to doing it was that Borders obviously doesn't value it very much--they don't pay anything extra for it, not even a gift certificate--another point was "fear of failure" on my part; I know I'm good at it, mind you, but what if I offer to do it here, and nothing happens?
(But as I just said to Lauren--I'm chatting with her as I write this--If it takes off, that would be fun, but if not, it's no big loss, either to Borders or to me.)
Another positive thing I did, or at least tried to do, was check on a relatively new procedure to cure sleep apnea (I saw it on the news awhile back--I think it's called Somnoplasty). I called my throat doctor and my insurance company about it; I didn't get very far, but basically, I have to find a doctor who does it--mine does not--then they have to fill out some form to send to my insurance company, to see if they'll pay for the procedure (The story I saw on the news said a lot of insurance companies won't, seeing it as a cure for snoring. I see that as another lame-ass way to get out of giving people the health care they're paying for).
If insurance won't pay for it, I'm going to get it done, one way or another; It struck me again just recently that a lot of what I assume is one psychological problem or another is really just simple chronic fatigue. And it's stealing my life from me, and it can't go on.
But for now...I've gotta get some sleep.
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