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11:40 pm - Tue 1/22/02 After having a couple days where I was in a pretty good mood, I've found myself sinking again recently. The pills Dr Strom gave me aren't doing anything; before I went in to see him, I'd had four days without the "morning sickness", but in the four days since, it's been back (Today was really bad). I'm disappointed and frustrated. Like I said in my last entry, waking up in a cold apartment as you feel the urge to puke rising... well, let's just say it doesn't get your day off to the best start POSSIBLE. And yesterday, I went in to work...and saw that I was scheduled for the CAFE. Now, in a previous draft of this entry, I got off on why that horrified me so, how angry and upset and impotent I felt, and then I realized that all I was doing was putting myself back in the place I was yesterday, which wasn't helping me. So let's just say this--I don't want to work in the fucking CAFE. I've done my TIME in the food service industry; Part of the POINT of working in a bookstore was to get AWAY from working in food (I don't know WHY serving people food and drink feels like humiliating servitude, while serving up books does not, but what can I say? There it is). And while my initial response to finding out the car still has, at the least, a continuing break issue, was to be not that upset, over the past couple days I've found myself back to worrying about what I'm going to do for WHEELS here. I LIKE the Corsica. Or I USED to anyway. It's not a cool car, it's not "sexy", but it's all I needed. But I've lost FAITH. I'm afraid of it now. I'm afraid that it's going to strand me somewhere, or worse yet, that it's going to get me hurt or killed. And even my little burst of industry with sending out the headshots--I mailed out five headshots for student films advertised in "Backstage"--didn't really work out the way I wanted it to emotionally. Why did actually doing something I'm SUPPOSED to be doing end up BOTHERING me? I think one of my "issues", one of the things that makes doing the right thing so hard for me, is that it often times doesn't give me any sense of accomplishment or pleasure. I never do ENOUGH of the right thing. I never do it WELL enough. There was that, and also the sobering realization that those five measly little mailings cost me over $5.OO. So ANYWAY, I've found myself sliding back down. Wallowing in the "Slough of Despond". But things really aren't much different than they were a few days previously, when I was in a better mood; Then, I knew the car was still "glitchy", I knew my "morning sickness" wasn't going away, and while I didn't know about the cafe thing--I'd gotten wind of some "cross training" plan, but somehow thought I would be exempt--Borders was still the low paying job that was making every other aspect of my life more difficult. I focus on the wrong things. I focus on my unhappiness. I focus on my feelings of anxiety, of upset, of LACK. Worrying is "praying for what you don't want", and I've been "praying" a LOT these days. I have to keep drawing my mind, and my heart, back to what I really want, to who I really AM. And I can't get discouraged because I have to keep doing it over and over again. I can't give up when I have a couple good days, then get depressed. I'm not going to just say some magic words to myself that are going to instantly "turn the key" and make me a better person from now on. I'm going to have to jump off the diving board. I'm going to have to do what I think is right, what I think would make me feel better about myself, about life, and hope for the best. I am enough. I have enough. There is enough. I can't operate from a position of fear, of lack, of unhappiness. It's freezing me in place, and that "deer in the headlight" look is NOT my best look. But I'm slipping into unconsciousness here, so I think I will take this up again on the morrow.
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