11:18 pm - Tues 1.16.2013
From Here To...Where?

I'm feeling...unsatisfied.

While it's nice I've had auditions early in the new year - had one earlier today, as a matter of fact - none of them have been for anything I'd even bother telling anyone about, were I to book them.

Making money is important, of course, but that said, it'd be nice to have an audition that turned me on "artistically" (I feel a little silly referring to my "artistic desires", but trust me - you'd much rather I talk about those desires than the other ones).

I was thinking earlier about the conflict in my thinking on this issue - On the one hand, I crave bigger, more challenging things to do, but on the other hand, the longer I go without those "bigger, more challenging things to do", the more I question whether I'd be "up to the task" if I was actually presented with an honest-to-God "challenging thing to do".

Pretty much like sex, now that I think about it...

But there's a fear that supersedes all that doubt - because whatever my insecurities, I really do want more to do as an actor - and that fear is basically, "What if this is it?".

What if this is basically "where I live" as an actor - Day-Player Land, where I book a couple small roles a year, a commercial if I'm lucky, and never anything more?

What if?

I often think in terms of getting "from here to there".

But what if "here" is all there is? What if there's no "there" to get to?

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