10:53 am - Thurs 5.09.2013
Less Hysterical And More Angry

I often bemoan my waiting till late in the day to write in here, the implication being I wait as long as I do because I'm "avoiding something" (And that procrastination is also a "safety net", assuring I'm tired and won't have the wherewithal to "delve in too deeply" when the subject is too complicated/emotionally difficult).

But now, having done a couple entries early in the day - sometimes starting right as I wake up - I see another reason; if I give myself an open-ended amount of time to do this, it seems to then take forever to get it done, and becomes yet another thing I feel guilty about doing, "when I should be doing something more productive".

And thus far, I haven't noticed any particularly deep "delving" going on.

And I'm always tired, so on that front, it doesn't really matter when I write.

But anyway...

It feels as if things are slowing down on the acting front (Though I did have an audition for Sam & Cat, a Nickelodeon kid's show, on Friday. More on that in a moment).

I just finished writing about how the money that recently came in - from previous work, and the Teen Wolf and True Blood gigs - means "things are all right for now...but that's all it means".

Well, really, it seems like even that degree of "meaning" is fading for me, as I procrastinate in getting out checks to my representation - That's 25% off the top - in paying my union dues ($266), and as I lose hours at Weight Watchers due to low attendance (Though on the WW front, I'm due to work a couple "fills" in the next two weeks that will somewhat "balance the scales" for now).

In other words, I'm having a hard time catching a break from the anxiety that dogs me about just basically staying afloat (Let alone all the other things I wrote about in my last entry).

But I do have to get those commission checks out - It's wrong of me to make them wait so long for their money, and I don't like being that guy (Before it was kind of a necessity, as the reservoir was low enough I had to prioritize being able to pay rent and bills, but now it's basically just me anxiously thinking, "But if I send that money out, it won't be in my bank account any more...").

(Beyond that, while it's stressful to send those checks out, it's more stressful to have them hanging over my head; better to know what money I really have than to look at my bank balance and know a big chunk of it doesn't really belong to me.)

Speaking of money, went to the credit union yesterday to deposit some checks and make a contribution to my IRA.

In conversation with the banker who was doing my IRA contribution, he basically told me IRA's aren't very good right now, because the interest rates are so low that, deduct the yearly $25 charge, and you're actually losing money.

(Seems an odd thing for him to say to me as we were concluding that particular bit of business, though I guess I do appreciate the honesty...)

Anyway, that's got thinking of doing something I wasn't considering before, which is putting that IRA money into my WW 401K, to see if I can actually made money rather instead of lose it.

(This stuff is yet another thing that makes me feel very anxious - basically, "numbers make me sad". They always have. But that said, I can't have a banker tell me I'm losing money on my IRA and just say, "Duh... well, okay then, guess I'll just keep throwing money down that hole...!". I have to try and do something different.)

(...so I made the call to Fidelity - who do the WW 401K - and set those wheels in motion.)

I feel like I'm writing the dullest journal entry ever here.

The Sam & Cat audition was on Friday.

I always want to book things of course, but I particularly wanted to book this one, because it was on Nickelodeon; I haven't auditioned there in awhile, and I've never actually booked anything with them, so I'm eager to "crack the code", as it were.

Beyond that, unlike my recent Teen Wolf and True Blood gigs, it was an actual scene - A page-and-a-half or so with me and another actor, and I thought it was kind of fun.

Anyway, I went in, and did my thing, and was redirected by the young woman running the audition - who looked to be about 18 - to shade my reading to be more "angry" and less "hysterical".

So I did...but for some reason, the lines, which were fine the first time around, went somewhat awry - I definitely wasn't saying exactly what was on the page all the time (but unlike that terrible Perception audition, at least I didn't stop and have to have retake after retake).

I left feeling not-very-good about what happened, in part because of the line thing, but more because of the re-direct - I think it bothered me being "wrong" in my take on the scene. Cause that's how I felt, as if I had "made the wrong choice".

And part of that, I think, was a "linguistic issue" - The stage directions kept referring to my character (A Plumber on a reality show) as "freaking out", and my "operational definition" of that term means "becoming hysterical".

Also, later directions have him "screaming", which I think made me "go in another direction" than to just play him "angry" throughout (Looking at the scene, it was a big "issue" for me that it not be just "one high-pitched note").

Anyway, I left feeling oddly like, even though I followed the redirection, things hadn't gone well somehow.

In any case, whether I was "on the mark" in my assessment or not, I didn't book the gig.

Disappointing, and added to a couple other losses recently (The two Perception auditions and the Vonage commercial), it's given me the depressing feeling that I'm only booking gigs where I "don't do any acting", and losing gigs when I do.

That's not a very "helpful" feeling to have.

And it's not really true, at least not in an overall sense; Yes, I lose out on some auditions that I perceive as better "acting opportunities" than some things I book, but I've also booked a number of roles that, while small, (Cause they're all small roles), I do perceive as genuine parts, where I feel as if I've got "something to play" as an actor (Castle, NCIS, and my initial scene on Shameless, in addition to some work I've done on the show since, come to mind).

I just wish my mind were more "on my side" - It feels like I take every opportunity to think depressing, anxious, self-defeating thoughts, and constantly have to deal with how badly they make me feel (Alongside how badly my own body makes me feel, it's a full-time job "trying to make myself feel better").

It's really just "the name of the game" - Whether the auditions I have are "acting opportunities" I'm excited about or not, I'm going to book some of them and I'm not going to book others. That's just how it is.

I think the painful part here is that "there's no magic" where, when given the opportunity to "act", I'm going to always win out over the competition.

That's what I want, that's what I want to believe...but it's just not a realistic expectation.

And I'm wrestling with the letdown that happens after a burst of success and money, both in the sense that "it doesn't solve all my issues", and that things "return to normal" really quickly...and "normal" doesn't feel good, in many respects.

But I have things to look forward to - I'm going to meet up with Cary on Friday, to see an independent movie a friend of his made, I'm going to the movies with Howard and Beriau on Saturday (A Truffaut double feature at the New Beverly), I'm going to do something with Howard (And maybe Pat) on my birthday, and I'm going to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel on the 20th with Howard and Nathaniel.

And under the heading of "Burying The Lead", a woman contacted me from the Plenty of Fish dating website, we've spoken once on the phone, and we're set to meet up in Santa Monica on the 22nd.

Her name is Janet, she runs a marketing concern, and I called her when I got an email from the website saying she wanted to meet me.

When we talked, it felt like there was some common ground, and she seemed cool, so why not?

I could let this be another thing to feel anxious about, and I'm a little nervous, to be sure, but at the moment, I'm looking at it as "nothing ventured, nothing gained" - If we meet up and we like each other and its fun, great, but if we don't, we haven't really lost anything.

Well, like I said, if I start this in the morning, it can take me all day.

And even though I seem to have effectively stopped being able to take naps, I feel so tired right now I simply have to lie down.

Nitey-nite...

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