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2:22 pm - Sun 5/30/04
I Got No IDEA What To Title This

I Got No Idea What To Title This

Fri 5/28/04 (5:36 a.m.)

Waking up earlier than ever lately...

I seem to be "blocked" this morning (Actually, it started last night when I tried to write), so I'm going to just start typing as fast as I can in the hopes I'll speed right through it.

I'm feeling both glad and sad, in one big messy package, and am having a hard time sorting it out in my head.

Sat 5/29/04 (12:48 p.m.)

(I wrote a lot more on Friday, "blockage" notwithstanding, but it really wasn't "Diaryland-worthy". Basically, it managed to be very detailed without being the slightest bit interesting. But anyway...)

Fun news–I got a callback for the Alabama Power "Old Man Winter" spot!

It's always good to get a callback (And as of this writing, I'm a callback away from tying last year's total), but this one felt particularly nice, cause I kinda "went out on a limb" with the concept--"Old Man Winter, Biker Guy".

But before I break my arm patting myself on the back, it occurs to me–"They might have liked you in spite of your lame-ass ‘concept', Jim...". But whatever the case, I'm happy to have made the cut, cause to coin a phrase, "Daddy needs a new pair of everything...!".

No word on either of the "Nick" spots.

I have to assume, in the case of the "Sunburn" one, that that means I didn't get it (It's supposed to shoot on Tuesday. While it's not impossible the shoot date could have gotten pushed back, I don't think it's worth putting a lot of hope into that). But far as I know, the "Ice Cream" one, the one I'd rather book anyway, is still "in play", as is Northwest Natural, and of course, the "Old Man Winter" thing (The callback for that is Tuesday morning).

I only had four auditions this month, but I have to say, I've done pretty damned well with the opportunities presented; out of four auditions, I had three callbacks, and booked for Time Warner. That's a pretty good run, even if nothing else happens, but I'm hoping another booking is in there somewhere.

Sunday 5/30/04 (7:00 a.m.)

Lately, I've been hitting the sack earlier after getting home from work, but all it seems to mean is that I wake up that much earlier.

Gotta say, I'm pretty damned discouraged about this turn-of-events. For years now, no matter when I go to bed–And since I started working all nights at the bookstore, it's usually sometime after 2:00 a.m. before I finally turn in–I wake up long before I'm anything approaching "rested".

Every. Single. Day.

Add this to the fact that the sleep I do get pretty much sucks anyway, and Jimmy has hit new, record levels of fatigue and discomfort. My body hurts all the time, monotonous tasks (Like, for example, the "work" part of working at a bookstore) are misery, and I'm operating at half-mast pretty much 24/7 (Let me amend that last statement–On a good day, I'm operating at half-mast).

I've gotta do something about this, find a sleep expert or something, and not stop till I get the help I need. This used to be a question of just feeling "uncomfortable", but things have definitely taken a bad turn (And I can't be having things "taking a bad turn" at this point, while I've yet to become a big star). I feel like I'm now putting my health, and thus my future, at risk by ignoring the problem.

(The way my mornings typically start is that I'm awake in bed, or half-awake. Then after a time, I say to myself, "Guess I might as well get up...", look at my watch, and inevitably, see that I'm getting up, at best, only four or five hours after I went to bed.)

Well, some not-so-happy news on the acting front: The headshots we did at Cary and Kay's on my birthday didn't turn out. We don't know exactly what happened–defective film, a flaw in the developing process, or what–but the pictures are unuseable.

Kay's pretty uncomfortable and easily fatigued at this point–Which was evident that day–and of course, her health and happiness are paramount right now, so there aren't going to be any "re-shoots".

I'm not gonna lie–I was actually shocked at how bummed-out I was when Cary told me this. I mean, I was "making an effort not to cry" bummed-out.

(Just took a break to call Cary; One of the things I've been unhappy about in the time since he broke that news was that I never quite managed, during the course of the conversation, to thank them for their efforts. And that's not acceptable. Poor little needy orphan boy; it's far too easy for me to accept people's help as a given, and fall into being "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Guy, and that is not. fucking. acceptable.)

So anyway, Cary gave me a website address and phone # for someone Kay likes, who's pretty inexpensive, and we'll see what happens.

What I have to get out of my head is the fear that I'll spend hundreds of dollars now for a shitty result (I still feel burned by the crappy pictures I got from my last professional headshot "session"). Yes, Kay is a talented photographer, and I was very happy with the first headshot, but in all of Greater L.A., there has to be at least one or two other photographers who can "do me justice" as well.

Considering that I booked a commercial earlier this month, considering that I've been "Callback Guy" lately, and am soon to be "Two Week Vacation Guy", considering that my good friend Kevin is arriving on Wednesday (And taking me to Vegas, besides!), I'm not feeling as "high spirited" as you might imagine, under the circumstances.

But it's actually more complicated than "I should be happy, but instead I'm depressed".

Actually, all the things I've described do make me feel happy.

It would be hard to overstate how excited I get sometimes, to think that I'm actually doing what I only talked about doing for most of my life. Whatever happens now, I'll never be the person I was before. I'll never be that guy back in Lansing who didn't have the guts to try.

And each year out here, I've made more from acting than the year before. And in about a year-and-a-half of having a commercial agent, I've gone from getting a callback every five or six auditions to callbacks every two or three auditions. And while, logically, there's no way to predict exactly how things are going to go, there's no reason for me to expect that I won't keep making progress towards my goals (And what a kick it is to actually have "goals", and attainable goals at that!).

For years, I thought I couldn't do this.

Turns out I was mistaken.

That means more to me than I can effectively convey (Being "mistaken" about your weakness and inability to see things through is a nice thing to be mistaken about!).

But it's tough to have the uncertainty of all this go on and on and on. I don't know how much longer I'll be at Borders (I could book a huge national and be able to quit next month, or I could be stuck there for another couple years), but if I'm there long enough to get my 5-year red lanyard I'll use that lanyard to hang myself!

There's no guarantee I'll ever make enough money from acting to make a living. And if I don't make it as an actor, the future is going to look pretty fucking grim with no family, no savings, no nothing.

What if the only things I want in the world are to be an actor and to have someone special to love, and I don't end up with either?

(Here's an example of how my fears ride shotgun with my high hopes: I've fantasized about buying a Mini-Cooper when the serious acting money starts rolling in, but the other day I found myself thinking "When it's time to buy that new car, maybe I'd better get something big enough to sleep in if I have to...".)

And I think this is kind of interesting, because it's a novel sensation: I actually am afraid of success.

Not so much that I don't want it, or am going to sabotage it when it comes, but the fear is definitely there.

What if I scale the mountain, get to the top, and my big feeling is "That's it"?

What then?

One of the things that always held me back was the feeling that I could actually succeed, to some extent, but that it wouldn't be "on my own terms", or to an extent that really satisfied me (ex. What if I only ever got to play freaks and losers, and I didn't always want to play freaks and losers?).

And now, I think that's pretty much a given (That I won't be "satisfied"). I'll never get as far as I want to get. And acting, in and of itself, doesn't "satisfy" anyone anyway, from what I've seen.

Goes back to getting rid of the idea that happiness is the destination–"I'll be happy when..."–and latching onto the idea that happiness is the trip.

I've been writing this on and off all morning, and now it's almost time to go to work...

(Have I mentioned I see work pretty much as an imposition these days?)

There's loads more to say, but I'm out of time to say it, and imagine I've taxed your attention enough at this point anyway...

More later.


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