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4:42 pm - Sun 5.19.2013 Gotta leave around 5:30 - meeting up with Howard for a belated "Birthday meal", then we're going to see Michelle (As in "Josh & Michelle") do a thing at IO West - so I'm going to have to write quick if I want to get an entry in here. Speaking of entries, not very happy with my last one. It just feels truncated, and not in a good, zippy way, but in a "This was not a full-fledged effort, and when I re-read it, it doesn't say exactly what I meant". One thing that I had to laugh at myself about, concerning my birthday, was the fact that, a day or two before, I was having a talk with someone about a situation they'd been in, trying to get them to see the wisdom of "rolling with things", and salvaging a situation when things didn't turn out as planned. I'm good with the advice sometimes, not so good with the execution of my own advice when it comes to my own life...which probably puts me in the company of everyone else in the history of the world who'd given advice. Anyway... I think, in my last entry, I let myself off a little easy, kinda/sorta trying to make myself look good - or at least not too bad - with the whole "I don't acknowledge people's birthdays because it hurts me that I can't do enough for them". That's not a lie, but going with my "truncated" comment, it's not the whole truth either; I just don't remember people's birthdays most of the time. How long have I known Cary, Jane, and Kevin (To name three long-term friends of mine)? The answer? For decades now. And off the top of my head, I can't tell you when any of their birthdays are. I don't know what that's about. It's clearly not that I don't care about these people. But what's the deal there? I don't know why I haven't ever watched any till now, but I've started to watch shows about hoarding (I don't actually know if there are multiple shows about hoarding or not at this point - but the one I always seem to find on TLC is called Hoarding: Buried Alive). Like not thinking of myself as having an "issue" with food till I joined Weight Watchers, I didn't think of myself as having issues with "hoarding" till watching the show. But when I started watching the show, I definitely saw myself reflected in the dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors of the people who are "buried alive" in their stuff. They always refer to the people on the show as being "Class 5" hoarders - We're talking about people living in filth, in a veritable maze of their own making (Who sometimes can't actually live in their ostensible "living space" because of the mess, or are in threat of losing their living space because "The Hoard" is a health and safety hazard). I'm not there...but I can see 'there' from where I'm sitting. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of how I live, and never have people over as a result...which seems to be the M.O. of a lot of these folks, to "keep people at bay" with their accumulation of stuff. It seems, in a lot of cases, to reflect a great deal of upset and sadness, and an effort to "manage" that pain, by "collecting" or "compulsive shopping" or what-have-you. I don't know what my particular "pain" is exactly - at least not in terms of some particular "precipitating event" (Which often seems to be the case on the show - someone really starts going nuts with hoarding after some traumatic event, like the death of a spouse or something - but I know there is pain, and my home is pretty clearly a reflection of my dysfunctional efforts to "manage" it). Something that was said on one episode I particularly related to - The particular hoarder in question was spoken of in terms of his "perfectionist tendencies", which were a big part of his problem. I would never have thought of myself as a "perfectionist" for most of my life...but now I really do. And it's a big problem. It's very hard for me to do anything and have it not be perfect, whether that means trying to develop a skill, or just cleaning the house. There's never been a clearer case for "Perfect is the enemy of good" - It's hard to improve your lot in life if you get no real pleasure or satisfaction out of what you do because it's not "perfect". Cause if you get nothing from it, no sense of satisfaction or pleasure or what-have-you, why do it? Well, I'm out of time. Got just a few minutes to get myself together and head out to IO West.
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